I've come to the conclusion that I'm eating way too much. I haven't weighed myself in weeks, preferring to play dumb rather than see how much mass has collected in my body. I'm sure my girth has increased a substantial amount as the pants I use as a way to tell that I've gotten too fat have gotten tighter, telling me that I have indeed gotten too fat.
What does this mean? I've been trying to figure out how to go about eating tomorrow and then I realized it would be easier to not eat at all. However, I have a registration session, which in the Food and Nutrition Department means "free food". There's a huge kitchen on the floor, it makes sense. I hope they don't have too much food or that I can resist what they have.
My asthma has been getting worse. I don't think wheat causes my asthma but it must aggravate it, meaning I should stop eating it altogether. (sigh) It seems like any food will make me likely to get asthma except fruit and nuts (or whatever's raw). Despite the asthma, which started getting worst last week, I still went out to bakeries, trying new wheat-filled morsels of doom. I would even GET asthmatic while walking to these places. God, isn't that like a smoker who can hardly breath reaching for another cigarette?
I don't think I should major in food studies as that gives me another unavoidable food situation, yet finding out how far I've gotten in my required classes makes me figure that it's best I just get it over with. I don't have to do anything with it as a career and I have the feeling I'll be suicidal by that time anyway. I keep waiting for it, to be depressed enough to be really suicidal, but instead I just think living is pointless for me. I'm not even depressed, I just don't see the point of life. That's acceptable, right? I can still be happy figuring that I'll die at some point. Ah, we all have things to look forward to.
...and while a warmed bun from a Chinatown bakery would be something to look forward to, I don't see how I can. It's an indulgence that just makes me fat and wheezy, quite an unfavorable combination. I took 13 photos of a bun today (whole and partially eaten). Who takes that many photos of a bun? Actually, it's great practice for photography but it must not help my problem that much. I can easily take 40 crappy photos at a concert but there's no mental problem there. I think.
I have no point. Just wanted to vent in this entry. I also thought that if I wrote down my goal of not eating anything tomorrow it would be more likely to happen. I won't bring my wallet to school, thus I can't buy anything on my walk to school (which is what I'm afraid of) nor anything on the way back home. I highly doubt I'll get hungry; it's all a mental exercise.