June 1, 2005
documenting the shitty feelings
[documenting in process]
I was in a good mood. Until today. Am I just naturally moody or am I bipolar? Bipolar Robyn...sounds like some kind of messed up cartoon character. "She'll make you laugh and then two seconds later she'll make you cry, WEE!"
I guess I'll talk about the bad first and then the good. Or do people usually do it the other way around? Er. Well. I went to bed after 6 AM last night/this morning because I suck, so I woke up at around 2:15 PM. It's not necessarily a crapload of sleep, and I woke up at 10 AM because for the first time in my life, I got a wrong number on my cell phone. Great. It took me a while to get back to sleep but I eventually did.
When I woke up, my mum and brother had just got home from eating out. I was hoping we could all eat out together because eating out with people is something I don't do much. A few times a month, maybe, and that's including my own family. Yeah, the diet thing doesn't lend itself to doing any social activities that involve eating. No wonder I'm miserable.
I'm also a really crappy daughter for being a broken record that never stops complaining. My mum thought she had done the right thing by going out for lunch without asking me this morning because she asked me last night and I said no. I didn't think she was actually going out though and I WOULD have gone out if she asked me this morning. To be honest, I've given the indication all last week that I didn't want to go out to eat; even shopping for food can me feel depressed to the point of crying. But it figures on the ONLY DAY that she and my brother go out to eat while I'm still home is the only day I would've actually wanted to go.
I became stupidly mad at my mum but I know it's my fault. I wouldn't have such a problem with eating if I weren't so prone to gaining weight, but I guess I was born with that problem. As I said before, I didn't care to get into this whole LIFE business, not that anyone gets to choose (see why I don't want kids?). I don't really enjoy life, not that it's bad (I know I live a good life) but being stressed from eating is one of the most annoying things ever. Also, living in the suburbs where you have no good friends is no day in the park either, especially when you know friends live kind of close, just that they're in the next state over...or really far in another country.
Begrudgingly, I took half of the baby watermelon I had started eating two days ago out of the fridge for lunch. It was thoughtless eating. Nothing was wrong with the melon, I just didn't enjoy it: next to no chewing involved, water in a solid, slightly mashy form. Eating alone once again, like most times.
Maybe I wouldn't have had fun eating out with my family either. I haven't done it in more than a week. Eating at home isn't fun since we rarely all eat at the same time.
I hate that I can't be more comfortable with myself. I don't think I care enough about my weight or I'd do something more drastic about it, but I care more about it in a bad way than most people. Caring about one's weight gives me mixed messages: don't obsess over it, don't eat crappy food, don't restrict yourself, oh but maybe you should since you don't need that many calories, exercise even though it doesn't really do much for you, eat out with people, you don't have to eat what everyone else eats, you can't eat what everyone else eats.
I want the messages to stop, but even if they did I'll always remember them. Oh well.
Oh, so the good thing that happened...well, at least I can remember that something good happened. Lia invited me and a bunch of her friends to eat at Ping's Seafood Restaurant yesterday. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go and probably changed my mind on this three times, but I did go because I knew I wouldn't feel that bad. Obviously, nothing bad happened and I met a bunch of seriously cool people (other flickr people: ranjit, Nina, and kathryn).
I was struck by how nice it felt to eat out with a bunch of people, even though I had never met them before (it also became clearer to me that I eat more sensibly with people I don't know well, thank god). That probably goes to show how sparingly I eat out with people, especially a bunch of them. I wasn't happy because of what we were eating (it was good, although I didn't actually eat much seafood--photographic evidence) but happy because I was with people. Whoa. I suppose humans need other humans, as much as I avoid things like that.
To be honest, it's not so much that I avoid it as much as that I don't have the opportunity to do things like that. I don't have very good friends around here, and I have very few friends who enjoy eating like I do. Actually, I only have one, basically the only friend I made in NYU solely through the means of being in the same class (others were made through other friends or known through other means).
So I had a fun dinner, many thanks to Lia and everyone else. I left a bit early to catch my bus, which was great because I'M A MORON and someone walked west on Canal Street, completely passing the blue trains and ending up by the 1, or even further towards the Holland Tunnel. Um. Despite checking my subway map, I was still a dumbass and thought the blue trains were west of the red ones, which is true if you're more up north in Manhattan. I ended up walking something like 20 minutes to take the 1 to Times Square when I could've walked 5 minutes from the restaurant and taken a yellow train to the same place. I guess I won't make that mistake again. Not sure how I totally missed the station for the C/E.
Strangely enough, even though I was stressed and semi-running around with a heavy laptop bag, I didn't get asthmatic. I distinctly remember coughing while waiting for the subway and finding it odd that I wasn't wheezing. I can't explain that. I didn't wake up too wheezy today, which is a good sign. Not that I ate very healthily last night...could've been worse.
So today I'll have nothing to do. I can't decide whether I should just eat raw food or forget the whole "cutting out all grains" idea and actually eat rice, in which case i'm not on much of a diet. I have nothing against meat, I just wanted to cut out grains and dairy. I suck at this diet thing.
And I'm not really in a good mood at the moment, but at least I was for a while yesterday.
Posted by roboppy at 3:10 PM