April 19, 2005
just one of those days
After yesterday's mega food indulgence I tried to make sure not to eat as much today. How so? Um. Hm. Leaving the wallet at home helps.
But it's not enough because I have "campus cash" on my ID card and THAT MONEY CAN BUY FOOD. Dammit. The next step is to not have any campus cash but I'll have to use it up first. Seeing as I won't make craploads of photocopies, the easiest way to use it up will be to buy food. I did use it a few times to buy groceries but I've stopped buying loads of groceries.
Uh. So. This isn't a very happy entry as I failed my plan to not eat a lot. I didn't eat craploads but I ate more than I was planning to, which was to just eat some oranges and not buy anything. I stayed in the Kimmel Center for about five hours before I got to the point of ...wanting food. At some point I realized I had nothing, absolutely NOTHING to look forward to that day because I wasn't planning to buy food. If I were going to a concert that would be something to look forward to but all I had was a class. Not very cool. So despite not being hungry, I got something to eat.
I ended up going to Space Market on University Place and buying a grilled vegetable wrap (last time I had something like that was last year) and an apple yogurt muffin, or something. They were both okay, not great. So that was about $7 down the tube on food that was just okay. No more muffins from Space Market! The wrap was pretty good (had pesto and mozzerella, ie, CRAPLOADS OF CALORIES) but I'm not really into wraps. I got it because I figured just eating a muffin wasn't very balanced, not that I practice nutritional balance, but...anyway.
I felt so guilty before hand just THINKING about eating. After I ate I felt less guilty because hey, I already did it. Can't do anything about that. It seemed really stupid to think about eating when I wasn't hungry and didn't have to eat. I didn't even have any cash on me! ARGH! STUPID CAMPUS CASH, DAMN YOU.
I almost wanted to cry at one point thinking about Thursday. Is Thursday evil? In general no, but this Thursday my food communications class is going to do recipe testing. I have a macaroon recipe, which is easy, but I'm worried about eating lots of food that other people are eating. It's stupid but that's how much this stuff stresses me.
Don't ask me why I'm a food studies major. :(
Today was a bad day. A bad day of gluttony and not doing much to stop it. My day started off badly as I walked to school with a backpack that must've weighed ...a lot (more than 10 pounds?) at 11 AM meaning the sun was in prime position to fry everything on the ground and I was ready to fall asleep by the time I got to school. I did fall asleep later while in the student lounge. How sad. But I did walk to school and that's about 1.5 miles. I don't know if that counts as exercise but I sure hope carrying a heavy backpack for that far while walking at a medium pace counts for something.
...or maybe it doesn't. I'm just fooling myself. All the walking in the world won't make it okay for me to eat what I'd really like. I know I shouldn't live in NYC but I definitely don't want to live in the suburbs or, god forbid, go to a college in the middle of nowhere where the food is the suck.
If I could eat without blimping up, I'd be happier. If I were more athletic, that'd be nice too. If I weren't "addicted" to wheat that would make life easier. My life is already hella easy and I know it, but I can't help to dwell on all this stupid stuff, ie, my stomach. Humans have to eat and I kind of hate that.
While walking home through Soho/Little Italy I passed loads of restaurants stuffed to the gills with young people just out having a good time eating with friends. I've rarely done anything like that. I mean, I don't eat out that late (after 9PM) if I eat out at all. Only once did I eat out mega late, sometime after midnight. I wish I could do that, but I don't really fit the mold of a New Yorker. Too fat for one thing. I don't know how I ever get those instances of non-guilt while stuffing my face because when I look back at those times I feel pretty guilty.
I don't think I could ever really enjoy food besides those weird euphoric moments (where I eat EVERYTHING) as long as I'm overweight. And the only time I wasn't overweight was when I was a raw foodist. Sorry, but you can't fully enjoy the food of the world when all you can eat is raw food. Maybe raw foodists love life and eating "pure" living food but I can't do that anymore. It's not like I didn't try it. 1.5 years of my life, remember.
I did wear cuter clothes though. Ah. Superficial. I'll forget about it. I really like the skirt I'm wearing now. It's not like I want more clothes, but I wish I could fit better into the ones I already have.
Posted by roboppy at 10:16 PM
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