April 4, 2005
bread addict
Today I woke up with the most incredibly feeling of fatness. Well, it was after I woke up and went to the bathroom, but I knew I've been eating too much lately and you know what terrible things happen when you overeat? THE SKY FALLS IN AND YOUR FAMILY TURNS INTO GIANT FROGS and GOD HATES YOU, YES YOU.
Just kidding! I think. I ate a too large breakfast/lunch consisting of oranges and some foods I shouldn't talk about because they weren't mine (ultimate guilt-inducer). And at some point I realized that delicious sweet pastries were driving me nuts. Gotta cut them out for just a while. I mean, I ate FOUR PASTRIES yesterday! Insane!
However, if pastries were out of the picture, something else had to come in. Remember my predicament with buying loaves of bread? Well, I craved a loaf of bread. All day (seriously, ALL DAY in school) I kept thinking about a lovely European style loaf of bread (not a brick-shaped loaf) while at the same time thinking about how I shouldn't buy a loaf of bread beacuse I WILL EAT THE WHOLE THING.
And this went on for hours. Thank god I only had two classes. I really don't know what happened in my second class besides that the teacher was telling us Renaissance-era jokes and it was amusing. My teacher is cool, but I'm not interested in the class's subject. That would make it...ENJOYABLE.
After that class, which got out at 4:40 PM, I walked back to my dorm (wallet-less to prevent impulse buys) and stopped into some shops in Little Italy on the way. I don't do much food shopping in Little Italy seeing as most of it is restaurants (not that Chinatown isn't mainly restaurants and non-food related shops but there are also loads of produce stands) but I went to Italian Food Center on Grand Street to check out the breads (tomorrow I want to try Sullivan Street Bakery). And they had bread. And I had no wallet. So I continued to my dorm, got my wallet, took off my tights and pea coat because the weather was warm and went back out in the nice breeze and sunshine to get me some BREAD.
And I did. I got a sicilian twist loaf for $2.25 and went on my merry way to find fruit. Mott Street was as densely packed as Disney World in August so I continued on my merry way down to Mulberry and Canal where a cart was selling lots of yummy Chinese food for a dollar. Good lord, a DOLLAR. I had to get something, in this case vegetable mei fun (very thin rice noodles; delicious). I looked around some more for fruit but couldn't find anything cheap enough (god, why am I so cheap?) so I went to East Broadway, where I got 8 navel oranges for $2. Yes, I shop around.
I got back to my dorm to eat almost two hours after my class ended. !! Not that I spent ALL that time walking; I browsed a bit, took a short breather in my room beforehand, talked to my mum to ask her how bad it would be if I ate a loaf of bread (pretty bad), but overall I walked to and from school along with walking to and from Italian Food Center. At least five miles?
It's a little scary that I'll spend so much time walking for the sake of food, in this case a loaf of bread. I hadn't planned on getting the oranges and definitely not the mei fun. It was a LOT of mei fun and I ate all of it. Also ate an orange and almost finished the loaf of bread, which was pretty big.
I don't need this much food. It's disturbing how much time I spend thinking about food, what to eat, what not to eat, how I'm eating too much and I'll regret it later, yet I go ahead and do it anyway. I wish I were happier with who I am, but I'm not very happy at all. I'm content enough with life (or should be) but I can't think of many good things about myself. I should weigh less, exercise more, eat less, eat healthier (although I don't think I'm doing that badly...er, mainly eating rice, wheat, fruit, and oil), study more, procrastinate less, be smarter, be slimmer, be someone else.
I'm not very comfortable with the idea that I should accept myself for who I am instead of thinking that I suck. In one way, if I suck I should try to improve myself but in another way if this is just the way I am I should be happy with it. Or something.
...ugh. No one has any idea what goes on in my mind and I can't even explain it myself.
Posted by roboppy at 7:41 PM
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This sounds like me the last couple of years. I'm getting better slowly, but for ages I've just been obsessed with food. And I'm always trying to lose weight, but I'm also always wanting to eat... and eventually I cave and eat heaps and heaps. Sigh. I think dieting = food obsession, though. Maybe try to focus on other aspects of yourself, completely unrelated to your weight? You're a good writer. And I bet you're not even fat, just a perfectionist! :)
Posted by: Meg at April 19, 2010 8:07 AM [#]