I popped the can open with a satisfying [klnkshzzz]. (I bet there's a better onomatopoeic word for that, but I'm too lazy to look it up.) The power of the carbonation propelled a split-second mist of liquid that moved too fast for me to see, but I saw its remains in the form of bright, nearly phosphorescent yellow-green beads around the top of the can. Sweet. Jesus. Was I going to drink this stuff?
Yes. I was thirsty. And I'll try anything at least once, even if it's based off a fictional beverage from a movie called Idiocracy. I've seen the movie, which isn't necessarily something to be proud of. (But it's kind of an awesome movie from a design point of view.)
What is this beverage? It's Brawndo, THE THIRST MUTILATOR. The can explains more:
Brawndo's got electrolytes. And that's what plants crave. They crave electrolytes. Which is what Brawndo has. And that's why plants crave Brawndo. Not water, like from the toilet.
If you haven't seen the movie, you're probably thinking, "What the frig?" Basically, in the bleak future when the average IQ is -34, anything that water would be used for (except for what's in the toilet) has been replaced by Brawndo. Meaning that they also use it to "water" their plants. Which is why the food supply is going to shit. Because, despite what the can says, plants can't live on Brawndo.
I just thought I'd set that all up for ya.
So what does Brawndo taste like? I...just...don't know. Like some sort of mildly tart candy, but not as sweet as Red Bull, which I've only tried once in my life because one sip was all my body could take. Brawndo tastes like nothing found in nature. It tastes green. And yellow. And glowing. God knows what these chemicals are doing to my kidneys right now. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning a completely different person/species. That is, if I actually go to sleep. I think this stuff is supposed to pump me full of "awake" chemicals, which I like to believe have no effect on me because my lethargic tendencies cannot be broken by mere drugs.
In conclusion, I don't know why anyone would ever buy Brawndo and drink it on multiple occasions unless they had no taste buds or wanted to collect the cans or really, really liked Idiocracy. What's my excuse? My can was free from ROFLcon (along with the...uh, Roflcondoms) and when something is free, new, edible, and unlikely to kill me (right away), I ingest it.
And then I blog about it. For you.
I'll end with this Impulsive Buy-like rating system.
Price: Free / my dignity / my health
Size: 16 fluid ounces
Acquired at: ROFLcon
Pros: Safer to drink than gasoline. Contains vitamins. Unopened, makes a good paperweight. Can is recyclable.
Cons: Not recommended for children, pregnant women, or people sensitive to caffeine. You should drink water instead. Effects on my organs and sleeping patterns not yet determined, but are probably not good.
UPDATE (the morning after): I feel human. I'm not sure it had any effect on my sleeping patterns because I usually go to bed between 2 and 3 a.m. But I woke up easily and went to bed...maybe a little less easily. Something I did notice is that my parotid glands felt more inflamed than usual. (I know i should go to an ear, nose, and throat doctor about that problem, but it doesn't really affect my way of life that much so I pretty much ignore it except I couldn't ignore it last night, it was like INSANT REACTION to the Brawndo, holy shit).
Sooo yeah, I'm never drinking it again.