April 17, 2006
doom bunny and other miscellany
- the horror
(wardrobe provided by sharing machine)
I am not nearly as cool as Emotion Eric (check out his donut face), but I've been told that I make very odd facial expressions without knowing it. Once while walking in the West Village one of my friends pointed out some young kids and apparently I screwed up my face in such a way that would've made more sense if "some young kids" was secret code for "a pile of rotting rat carcasses dipped in sewage and stuffed in sheep stomachs". I think she was exaggerating though...
"ROBYN, your face is hiliarious!" [points at my hilarious face]
"But...I didn't do anything!"
"Yeah you did, your face was like"—[imitates my face, does not look so hot]
"WAS NOT, WAS NOOOOT."
"What is it with you and kids?"
"NOTHING, I LOVE DEM KIDZZZ...wait, what's that OH MY GOD, TINY PEOPLE."
Anyway, as I was saying...actually, I wasn't saying anything.
I couldn't get the right look of horror on my face while staring at the half pound chocolate bunny of doom. If you can tell me what emotion I'm trying to convey, your prize will be that you will not have to eat this chocolate bunny. Let me explain.
If you zoom into the photo (and god knows you want a good look at that zit on my face; yes, the reign of inexplicably clear skin is over), you'll see that the bunny is described as "Milk Chocolate Flavored". Flavored is the key word here. Milk chocolate flavored? What the f...time to look at the ingredients.
- sugar
- partially hydrogenated vegetable oil (palm kernel and/or palm)
- whey
- cocoa
- skim milk
- lactose
- soy lecithin (an emulsifier)
- artificial flavors
- and may containt peanuts/nuts
Oh. My god. What is this monstrosity? This bunny-shaped, 1200 calorie partially hydrogenated oil sugar brick? The only thing protecting me from the brick is a micron-thick (well, not a micron, but work with me here) of plastic wrap. We need to wrap this in something a little more substantial, and then shoot it into space so that aliens have more reason to destory the human race.
Why do I have such an abomination in my possession? My roommate went to a friend's house for Easter and came back with too much candy. "This chocolate bunny weighs half a pound—here, you take it!" I obliged because I like chocolate and it was a nice gesture, I think. But this isn't chocolate! This is...(turns package over)...Dutchtown Novelties' way of destroying all that is good in the world of real chocolate bunnies that are not parading around as merely milk chocolate "flavored". Also, I think they want to make me cry.
I know I eat a lot of crap, but I have my limits. I'd eat some kind of heart clogging hydrogenated chocolate bar full of caramel and crispy things and nuts if it were delicious enough, but plain "chocolate"? NOT WORTH IT. I wouldn't even feed that to my enemies.
So, my dear bunny, frolicking in drug-induced purple grass with drug-induced smiling flowers—into the trash you go.
(Note: If you like this chocolate bar, that's fine with me. God knows I'm not one to knock people who eat junk food.)
Check out my designated website of the day/century: Pimp My Snack (via Candy Addict). It's disgustingly excessive, enough to repel any normal human, but my god, it's genius. If you can't look at everything, at least check out the Monster Jammie Dodger (I heart Jammie Dodgers!) and it's beautiful splodge design. The writing is hilarious (ohh, those Brits), and the photos are ...well, scary. The taste of paradise versus the taste of pimpadise, anyone? Even though just looking at that pimped Bounty makes my stomach turn, I'd still want to eat a chunk of it. Because I'm a moron.
A random question for readers!: Anyone here from Sweden? Or Stockholm? Or familiar with it? I might visit there with Rebecca. Might. Because. Why not? Yeah? We don't know Swedish, but we figure that'll be okay.
My roommate asked me if I ate the chocolate bunny. I'm just going to keep saying no until she forgets. Ha ha ha. SHe's rather health conscious, so I'd be surprised if she didn't look at the label and think, "...Um." Then again, I've seen empty boxes of Entenmann's cookies in the trash. (I think overall she must eat healthier than I do. I suck.)
- M&Ms
She gave me a fun sized pack of M&Ms, surely tastier than the brick-of-trans-fat bunny. I have a bone to pick (where did that phrase come from?) with anything called "fun sized" though—IT'S A LIE. If anything, it's the opposite of fun and should be renamed, "so small it makes you wanna kill yourself"-sized. All these tiny packets do is leave you unsatisfied and increase rubbish in landfills when you open 20 fun-sized packets of M&Ms. What would be fun-sized is if you got a giant tub and filled it with candy, then romped around in it like in those brightly colored ball rooms for kids. Remember how frickin' fun those were?! My god, we need to bring those back for adults. That, and inflatable bounce castles. If there was a gym whose facilities consisted soley of ball rooms and bounce castles, I'd buy a membership, and then after making a crapload of money from as-of-now-unknown-career, I'd buy the gym.
Dude, you'd so go to my gym.
Oh, the M&Ms! I haven't eaten those in ages; they're quite good. A gajillion Americans can't be that wrong, I guess. Strangely, they only came in green, blue, and yellow. Surely if I had a regular sized packet, the odds would've been in my favor that I would receive more than three kinds of food coloring. Just like the term "fun-sized", the five colors advertised on the package are also a lie. This candy is full of deception, I tell you.
I consumed it in 0.08543 seconds.
- bread bread bread!!!
I also ate a lot of this bread.
ADDENDUM: I DO NOT KNOW WHY THE HOLES ARE SQUARE. Square yeast? Um. no.
This ends your pointless update of the day. I think I have, like, homework to do or something, because last time I checked I was still in college. They haven't kicked me out yet.
Posted by roboppy at 11:23 PM
Comments (25)
Oh God. I hate you, Robyn. You're going to make me stay up late with Emotion Eric.
Mmm, milk chocolate flavoring.
Posted by: Allen Wong at April 18, 2006 12:08 AM [#]
Annie and santos: Uhh...
I DO NOT KNOW, OH MY GOD. It's kinda neat though, eh?
Allen: Hehe...your comment sounded funny. Um. Yeah, Emotion Eric is freakin' awesome. I don't even remember the first time I went to that site. Thank god it's easy to remember.
Sigh. Just when I thought I was safe, I get to the bottom of the post, and there's MORE BREAD! Damn you, Robyn. And to make matters worse, it's too early to go out and buy some, so I'm just sitting here, dreaming about yeasty goodness.
Posted by: Martha at April 18, 2006 6:11 AM [#]
i love your website, robyn. you're a funny girl and your pics are great. they never fail to make me hungry. im a lot like you--when there's food i cannot help but finish everything in one sitting.
i will eat that bunny. where im from, hydrogenated chocolate is cheap and good. hahahah.
Posted by: fearmymoxie at April 18, 2006 6:47 AM [#]
Amen, sister. There is nothing "fun" about miniature sized candy. If you owned a gym like that I would visit NYC just for that, or possibly even relocate. One request: the snack bar must be filled with jumbo-sized candy and chocolate bunnies made from real chocolate. :)
Marvo: I take it that you have much experience with bouncing M&Ms off a wall in order to find out that they don't bounce well? Or did you give up after one try?
IT DOES NOT SOUND FUN. I think you tell lies.
Amanda: Truth is funny! Glad you liked it. :) I'm sad though that real Jammie Dodgers aren't actually the size of a hubcap.
Martha: Oh, the bread craziness doesn't end, I'm sorry! GO GET SOME BREAD.
fearmymoxie: Glad you like my site! I must ask though that you do not eat the bunny. NO HYDROGENATED CHOCOLATE PRODUCT FOR YOU! Or any human! Ahh!
Cathy: This gym is sounding less like a gym and more like...um, the opposite of a gym. Hmmm. People would get hyper from all the candy and then have to bounce around a bit. And then go back for more candy. Man, I think such a fun place would be illegal.
Posted by: roboppy at April 18, 2006 9:11 AM [#]
Robyn,
Thanks for the link, but just for the record, my site is called Candy Addict not candyblog. While my site *is* a candy blog, its name is Candy Addict, not Candy Blog. Candy Blog is Cybele's excellent candy blog/site (definitely worth visiting too)
Just wanted to clarify that.
Thanks,
Brian
http://candyaddict.com
thats got to be the most appetizing pic of m&ms
Posted by: carol at April 18, 2006 12:15 PM [#]
Woo..I live in Sweden if that might be any sort of information of genereal interest..or not..but yeah, Sweden is great in many ways, just don't go with the so called food recommendations, like "oh I heard they have this fish that is very...weird tasting" (which is sort of flattering) and that is weird meaning very much not edible. Truth to be told, I never ate it myself though, since I'm one of those vegetarians, but eh..sorry about the blabla:ing, I love your blog though! and, you may ask me anything that's worth knowing ,and not, about Sweden.
Posted by: Hanna at April 18, 2006 12:24 PM [#]
Hey, glad you liked the plum cake! I usually don't bake whole cakes or batches of cookies (we have the same problem), but it was Easter, you know. Wish you had been there, you could have taken half of it home with you. Come to Berlin!
I've actually been reading your blog for a long time-- it's great, we have a lot of the same weaknesses. =o) Keep it up.
Oh, do tell! Where did the bread come from? You're such a bread fiend, and I truly admire you for that :)
Just finished the last bite of the Ranger cookie you sent - delicious! I can't believe I ate everything so quickly. hehe. (that Levain cookie seriously shocked me with it's awesomeness. Never knew cookie dough has such potential.) Did the package come yet? I'm starting to get worried...it should have arrived last week :-, let me know! Or we'll have to track it down somehow, there are so many things I want you to try in there!
Brian: Ahh, how did I notice the name of your blog IN THE URL?! I changed it, thanks for pointing it out. :) I read Cybele's blog too, hehe...okay, that's not surprising.
Rich: All the goodness of Crisco! Who wouldn't love that? Yeah? Um.
Carol: But you know what would be better? If it can in A GIANT TUB.
Hanna: Thanks for the info! My friend and I are back to "We don't know where we wanna go", but if I get questions about Sweden and food then I know where to go now. :) I'd totally try the funky fish; it would be an interesting thing to write about!
Houska: PLUM CAKE!!! I really want to try that! I'm not going to, but...(sigh)...
I shall go to Berlin someday!
Kathy: I got the bread from Bread Alone in the greenmarket. It's preeeettty good, not my fave though. :\ There weren't as many vendors because of Easter methinks.
The package hasn't come yet, uh ohh. I hope the mailroom didn't screw up.
Sweden is great, hah - think you would love it! And: it's definetly loads better then norway!
I live right outside stockholm and could tell you everything there is to know!
Posted by: Sophia at April 18, 2006 4:06 PM [#]
How about this: an M&M the size of your head? How would you bite the darned thing? I dunno, but the thought of chipping away at it every day. . . "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" Who cares when you have giant M&Ms!
I think the square holes in your bread are from the yeast molecules that just weren't cool enough to hang out with the "in crowd." Yeah, yeah, that's it. Good thing I'm not a science teacher.
Sophie: Ohh, you're gonna hate me...after more discsussion, we're leaning towards Norway. :O Partially because I actually know someone who lives there, so it's more convenient. I swear, we're not going to stalk musicians! I think.
...But of course, I'd love to visit Sweden too. Ahh! I'll contact you if I ever do. ;)
Mochene: Holy crap, that sounds like a Pimp My Snack project! Hehe. I'm thinking of something kinda flat though, not like...basketball-esque. That way you have the nice candy-to-chocolate ratio. Or something? I dunno. So it'd be like a candy coated chocolate disc.
SCIENCE! Yeah, I suck at that.
Tommy: Sugar bunny = scary.
Ok, normally I don't comment twice in one day, but those links you have are crazy. I'm caught on Emotion Eric and it's after 2 in the morning! I should just shut down the computer and curl up into the fetal position on my bed and rock myself to sleep.
Yeah, it'll be all right in the morning.
hmm..spotted a red dot on ur face...must be painful.....
Posted by: foodcrazee at April 20, 2006 7:30 AM [#]
Eddie: I think stores need to PAY customers to take doom bunnies.
I stopped doing math when high school ended. BWAHAHA YESS.
Mochene: DOUBLE COMMENT, OMG.
The internet owns our lives. It sucks.
foodcrazee: The swelling has gone down! Yes! I guess my body dealt with it. That and everything else, like...the crap I eat.
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Why does the bread have square holes?
Posted by: Annie at April 17, 2006 11:49 PM [#]