May 20, 2005
mrrh
I tried on those fat gauging pants that you may have heard me talk about before. Well. I don't think they had ever been so tight in my life. My life! That's very very bad.
So while I was supposed to go out for lunch with my brother and our friend Jesse from Maryland who is visiting us for a while, I just couldn't. I was in a sucky mood, of course, so I slept in late although I woke up before they left. My brother reminded me that Jesse was my friend and that I could just not eat anything or if I ate a salad that wouldn't be the end of the world (we were going to a salad place) but I knew if I ate lunch I'd be more likely to eat dinner.
I know that I'm the one who's off base, as always, but it made me mad to hear my brother say those things. Yesterday he was mad at me since I was mad at him for buying a 1 pound bag of potato chips and NOT EATING ANY OF THEM, not until Jesse and I ate most of it. And I ate a lot of chips for lunch yesterday since he and Jesse went out. I don't think he should get mad at me for buying something he KNOWS I'd eat (yet never buy myself). I told him he should put the chips somewhere that I can't find them but he said he couldn't since mum won't allow food out of the kitchen. If he eats chips so sparingly, he shouldn't buy them at all. He bought them partially because we had a guest over, so I can understand, but it still wasn't necessary. In my dorm I almost NEVER buy snacks and I only bought a bag of chips once because I realize what a mistake it was after I consumed the whole thing in a day. I think it was a 6 ounce bag. I still remember it!
I hate how people are alarmed when I decide I "can't" eat and tell me to control my eating when I do. This is how I do it. Nothing reasonable has worked. Here's what has worked: eating a no-wheat vegetarian diet (which I did to ease into a raw food diet), eating a raw food diet, fasting, or eating just honey and water for a few days, or as long as I can bear. Since I gave up on the raw food thing after one and a half years, I've been eating...well, junk. Not the worst junk, but not that great either. Ever since coming off raw food I feel like i've been addicted to baked goods. Last fall I laid off the wheat and rice for about two weeks while having to do a diet assessment assignment for class and by the end I couldn't take it anymore.
My asthma is the worst it's been since before I ate raw food, my mucus is getting heavier, and I'M 19 YEARS OLD so this doesn't provide a very good look into my future as a wheezing mucus-filled adult.
I don't know why I can't just eat reasonably. I tend to eat more than normal people because I'm not satisfied but even when I feel like my stomach is going to explode, I still want to eat because something's "missing". Usually something sweet. I did the honey + water diet for days and I was relatively happy on that because what I usually want IS sugar. I also have a tendency to not drink anything because I rarely get thirsty, so eating honey was a sure way to get me to drink craploads of water. I'm not saying people should do this--I did it because I REALLY like honey. I've never even heard of people just eating honey for days, but I figured it would be a way to stop me from eating loads of food and not feel totally unsatisfied.
So why can't I do something like this now? I was in my dorm before where I could control the kitchen, ie, have nothing in it besides condiments and fruit (of course, my roommate had food; don't get me started on that) but now that I'm at home, in the SUBURBS, I'm surrounded by my family's food. My brother has a tendency to make his food last a millennium and my mum...well, she doesn't buy much stuff either but she did buy a pack of rugelach before realizing that she wasn't supposed to eat chocolate due to some kind of supplement she's taking. Good job. I ate a bunch of em even though I'd never buy rugelach (not that it doesn't taste good, I just prefer other things).
So it's a little past 3:30 PM and I still haven't eaten anything. I'm pretty sure I can last all day (actually, I think I'll end up eating honey...oh well). Guilt should keep me from eating anything. I'm annoyed with myself because I KNOW I'm the one at fault for staying home instead of going out with my brother and Jesse because I don't want to eat but they know that I have issues with food. My brother doesn't really care since he's slim and doesn't eat much. I'd be much better off living alone or in the city where I'd at least have to exercise. It's been more than 36 hours since I actually went outside. I'm surrounded by trees but I have no desire to walk around aimlessly just for the sake of getting some fresh air. If I felt more useless, I'd go back to sleep.
Posted by roboppy at 3:19 PM
Comments (4)
I can relate to this and even though I hate pinpointing at people, this is some form of bulimia. (the never having enough, feeling that something is missing inside, still empty). This all or nothing behavior is quite difficult to handle and it's more harmful for your mental state than your body. I'm sure you heard this babble before but everything is healthy in controlled amounts. Yeah there's a thrill in eating larger amounts, the excitement and anticipation that comes from restraining too often. But if you compare that pleasure you get from tasting "forbidden foods" to the guilt you feel, is it worth it?Anyway, this is definitely not all about food, but other nourishments as well, like love and the lack of it.
I REALLY don't want to sound like some patronizing bitch, I'm no nutritionist or anything, I actually have quite similar disorders so if you want to talk(or, as a matter of fact, type), I'd be glad, my email is linked.
It's a good guess that all of us who have food blogs occasionally go through these spells. Don't beat yourself up over it. It does happen.
I've been through my share of weird diets. They never work. Eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. It's not simple, I know, but somewhere along the way, you have to see that food is not the enemy.
Posted by: Lori at May 21, 2005 9:12 AM [#]
I know it's been 5 years, but I'm still going to comment. Because I have to. I tried the link to your email but can't get it to work.
I've read almost all your posts now (I found your blog about a week ago and have been reading NONstop ever since) and everything you have said about food and eating too much and self-control and obsessive behavior, well, it's like you're inside my head. The raw vegan thing (I only made it a year..), the honey thing, the eating-waaay-more-than-anyone-else thing, the eating until you loathe yourself but not being completely satisfied thing, the hating visiting home because of the well-stocked pantry thing, the eating your roommates food thing, the not keeping food around because you will eat it all thing, ALL OF THIS: I am the EXACT same way. Kind of weird, but exact. Anyway, all this to say that if you haven't read Good Calories, Bad Calories (by Gary Taubes), RUN TO THE LIBRARY AND READ IT. It had pretty much set me free, and trust me, you and I are the same, from everything I've read.
Posted by: Emily at February 15, 2010 10:54 PM [#]
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Posted by: Amy at May 20, 2005 5:51 PM [#]