The Girl Who Ate Everything

Blogging about food and whatever since 2004.

pain continues

You should have seen how much food was at today's recipe testing session in my "communications in food studies" class. Just...craploads.

I didn't eat anything. I lost my appetite when I found out we weren't testing our own recipes but rather other people's. I made a classmate's fried eggplant. How's that for something Robyn never eats? I don't even cook much. So over time it became less about not having an appetite and more about "God I fuckin...hate being here...there's too much food." The desserts looked best; two kinds of peanut butter cookies (one with Valrhona chocolate), a coconut custard thing, jackfruit and banana spring rolls (made by my teacher), sweet potato...something. Oh, and a Jewish sweet noodle thing. The savory dishes looked good too. OH, and macaroons. That was my recipe.

So that was fun. Not. I felt like crap. I had to pretend i didn't for as long as I could while interacting with classmates to the best of my ability, which is not...a very good ability. Nothing is wrong with my classmates; I just didn't want to be there. Two other girls didn't eat anything but that's because they have to keep kosher.

I feel sick. But not really. After class (my teacher's babysitter brought in her baby daughter and I gotta say, she's really cute for a baby/toddler) I went out to Gould Plaza to call my mum because I didn't know who else to talk to. Of course, talking to my mum doesn't help much but at least I know she listens...maybe. Even if she can't help. I started crying while talking to her. Not perceptibly, I think, but I hate tearing up, especially for really stupid things. And I still feel like crying but I'll just think of something else, like how isn't working right now because the bandwidth got used up. That doesn't usually happen. I just have to allot more.

Hate food. Or rather. Hate getting fat from eating food. Today was chilly but I wore a skirt because my favorite pants don't fit comfortably enough. They were fine two weeks ago. I wonder if it'll take me two weeks to get back to them being comfortable again. Wow, school would be over by then.

Anyway, I figured being depressed now would be better than eating and feeling guilty from that. I can't think of anything that I can eat without feeling guilty today. One of my classmates made a nice salad but I didn't want it. I mean, I don't really want salads anyway. There were also loads of apples but i didn't want apples. All I want is food that's uneahtlhy, thus I can't really eat anything. Because I shouldn't eat that.

I bet I'll be fine in a few days, which just makes this all even stupider.

I ended up eating 2 navel oranges today after a 20-hour fast. I wasn't even hungry; it was just there. I have one orange left. So tomorrow I'll either just eat one orange or something else. I'm scared of "something else".

In my western lit class we had to read essays by Montaigne (maybe i misspelled that) and in one of them he said how it's who you eat with that's more important than what you eat, or possibly every other aspect of eating. I think that's a good point. Kind of. To an extent. I'm more comfortable eating by myself than people I'm not really good friends with. The people in my class are great, but I'm not close to any of them.

And I'm better off not eating at all. The people who tell me to eat less (friends and family) are of course the ones I'd eat with the most. And it doesn't really make sense to do that.


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