April 23, 2005
fast
So I haven't eaten in more than 25 hours. I feel fine though. Calvin Trillin talked about fat people eating due to visual cues but otherwise not knowing the feeling of true hunger. That's definitely me. I used to get sick of hearing people moan about not having eaten in a three hour period but maybe they're genuinely hungry and I just don't get it.
...actually, I don't think they're really hungry. I've probably done that too but I know I'm not hungry. I hope I don't get feverish tomorrow since that's what happened a few days ago. I didn't even do a full fast (I ate an orange somewhere in between) but I woke up feeling un-good. However, that sickly feeling isn't as bad as the psychological guilt of eating too much. Last night I ate way too much so I felt physically bad in addition to psychologically. Bad combination.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't get hungry, but I don't get un-hungry. Even when I feel like I've eaten too much, I continue to eat as long as there's food in front of me (never bring me to a buffet!). I can eat whenever, or choose not to if I'm depressed enough. I have no food in my dorm or else I'd eat it, even though I'm not hungry. It's very important that I don't have extra food to munch on. My roommate is the complete opposite; she constantly has to throw out food that has gone bad and she is in the process of using up old food in creative ways.
I wish I could live alone, I really do. Or live with a friend. But I get neither. I should just be thankful to be alive, but I don't even enjoy living that much. I live because I'm not about to kill myself. I guess I'd be afraid if someone were to hold a gun to my head, but I don't have a zest for life. Zest. I mean, if you have to eat to live, and if I have problems with eating (of course, my blog shows that I've enjoyed it too but if you have such sharp contrasts between enjoying and hating food like I do, let me know) then living isn't that enjoyable. Besides that, I suck at everything I do but that's not something fit for this blog...
My pants aren't as comfortable as I'd like them to be. I haven't figured out a good way to make them more comfortable besides to lose weight and I haven't figured out a good way to lose weight besides to stop eating. If I last another day, I'll let you know.
All I "crave" is a loaf of bread, but I know that's not healthy. Most of the foods I crave besides fruit aren't healthy and I feel a bit guilty eating those foods. But if I can't eat what I want and be satisfied, I'd rather eat nothing. I'm only 19, I really shouldn't mess myself up eating crap. I can think of the things I don't ingest (coffee, alcohol, soda, ...drugs) but it's not good enough. Nothing's good enough. It goes beyond food; there are too many high standards and I keep mine low but it's not good enough.
Posted by roboppy at 11:24 PM
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