brainmush Archives

June 1, 2004

screwed as always

I like my brain. I mean, it's been a pretty good brain thus far. It allows me to walk, talk, eat, sleep, put on my clothes, drive a car, type incessant crap, play the guitar, play the's quite nice. Of course, there have been times when it has let me down, like keeping me up all night and preventing me from sleeping or doing the opposite during classes that occur before 10 AM. And sometimes it just goes stupid. Stupid stupid. Like right now it's being stupid by ignoring whatever I learned in English class and spitting out lots of babbling junk. Blorp. Blorp? Huh? So what was I saying? I don't know.

I say "screwed as always" because that is life. Being screwed. Or being en route to the state of screwiness. When I say I'm screwed, it can only involve one of two things (or both, if I'm in an especially bad state): school or social life. Most of my problems from last year came from both of these things and as I'm not finished with school, you can guess what the problem is. I don't feel an inclination to be social, which might be my first problem. What's my motivation to hang out with other people when it usually just feels awkward and not fun? And why would I want to subject people to my company when my company is no better than a garden snail? I dunno, it beats the hell out of me. I have more fun being in my room, sitting on my bum as it grows to massive proportions, than being around other people, sitting on my bum as it grows to massive proportions.

I'm an awkward child/person, or to put it more nicely, I'm "unique." But of course, everyone is unique! In his/her own special way! Joy! Humans make me nervous, more so if I know the other person and am expected to social with the person. I'm fine around strangers, even better around people who are older than me, but peers my own age are something else. I'm not sure how I even got this far in life with my kind of personality. Shouldn't I have been eaten by a lion by now? Hm. Well. Too bad that didn't happen. I feel really bad for anyone here who has to talk to me for some reason. God knows what they think of me.

I want to go to sleep. Mmmrraaar.

Today I got especially annoyed when my room suddenly reeked of marijuana due to some people smoking it downstairs. If I were a pissy person, I would've gone down to ask them to stop, but I'm not pissy. I'm passive and pessimistic. Nice combination. Most people don't know what I'm like when I'm angry because I tend to not be angry, just depressed. I was a combination of the two and thought about how I'd just go home if I could, or sleep outside if it weren't cold and rainy. I don't want to smell like I just got out of a bar. But where the hell are the non smokers and drinkers around here? I'm not the only one. I think. I don't really understand what's appealing about smoking and drinking. It's not that pleasurable, is it? Anything that smells so disgusting can't be good. Don't people realize that their body is trying to tell them something? That's why we have SENSES, people. Tastes bad? Probably not all that good for you. The sad thing I find about most people is that their bodies are smart but their brains aren't. You get one human body; why damage it?

I'm trying to be more in tune with my body because lately I've been stuffing it with fruit and nuts against its will, resulting in a sickly Robyn. You know when nuts and fruit are too much for you, you're basically screwed. Tomorrow I might fast or just eat very light raw food while taking some cleansing herb junk. I have to wake up early to get all the herb junk in...which sucks. Hohum, I hope it'll be good for my intestines.

This weekend I went on a massive CD buying spree. Right now I'm listening to stuff. I met up with Cristen in NYC and we saw Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and...Spring. It was a good movie, although there was probably tons of symbolism in it that I didn't pick up. After that we went to Other Music and headed to Life Thyme to eat some YUMMY FOOD! Mm. Food. Their dessert portions are always too large, but that doesn't stop me from eating the entire thing...which results in me feeling nauseous. Doh. Anyhoo, as for CDs, I bought "Light and Magic" (Ladytron), "Chiff-Chaffs and Willow Warblers" (Minotaur Shock), "Tides" (Arovane) and "& Yet & Yet" (Do Make Say Think). I've listened to everything already and it's all pretty nice stuff. Yay for blowing $60+.

Cristen has been my friend since 8th grade. It's kind of amazing...okay, not really. There are other friends I've had since 8th grade. In many ways, we're nothing alike, but we do luv each other. She's about 3 feet taller than me so sometimes I would joke around and call her mommy ...okay that's a little weird. My real mum is slightly taller than I am. Anyhoo! Cristen = cool, although hanging out with her brough some questions to my mind. How often do people talk on their cell phones for a somewhat extended period of time while walking with another person?'s not a big deal, but it's not something I can really relate to because just about no one calls my cell phone or would want to talk to me in general.

I used to have this other very good friend who was almost my complete opposite except that we both liked Beck. It was strange. I don't know why I was so drawn to someone who was nothing like me. If it were possible though, I'd still want to be friends with her (not that it's completely impossible, but I have no idea what she's up to).

If it were up to me, there are a lot of friendships that I wouldn't have destroyed. But I guess there's no use in thinking about that...

...thinking is such a bother. Time for bed.

[Okay, maybe not quite yet. This weekend I implemented some of my redesign. I also organized my poofy shirts, to some degree. All the styles in that photo are the only ones I have. If you're interested in anything, leave a comment or contact know how, yes?]

June 7, 2004

stinky weather and such

It was pretty cold last week (considering it's June) and now it's gotten humid and muggy. Lovely. Especially when you live in a house that smells weird. I can't even pinpoint what the smell is, besides "TH smell". That's not really a good thing. A lot of things aren't good, actually. ...nah, I won't get into some stupid depressed mode, although last night I felt like dying and all that fun stuff. If I didn't like my mum I probably wouldn't mind killing myself, but I'd have to really hate my family to do that. And I don't. *phew* Lucky me. Of course, suicide is a bad idea, unless you know absolutely no one and have no contact with the outside world, in which case no one will notice that you're gone.

On that note...hello! Today I ate five bananas, one orange, and one fruit cup. And a lot of honey, but I don't think that does much to me. It's quite yummy. In a week I lost about four pounds, but I think a lot of it (maybe three pounds) was just water. It's all good. In the first week of my cleanse I was already getting rid of weird intestinal crap. [shudders]

I saw Harry Potter on Friday with my mum and my first impression was that I was a little disappointed. I was really excited to see it and I thought it would be better. It wasn't bad by any means, but my expectations were probably too high. I haven't read the book in a while but I feel like the movie left out a lot (of course, it always will but maybe some other stuff could've found it's way into the movie) or changed things. I don't really recall, I'll have to read the book again.

On Saturday I went to an old house a faculty member bought to repair in order to do some house work, ie, deconstruction. One of my housemates, Ryan, came too, which was good because he's actually done the kind of work before. We had to toss a bunch of spackle and wood with nails in em that were ripped out of walls out a window and in garbage bins and roll up this huge ass carpet and lug it down the stairs to bring outside (the faculty member's daughter and her boyfriend were helping too). I got to smash a wall with a hammer to get more spackle off...quite fun. Surprisingly, my arms don't even hurt (my legs are still aching though). Ryan and I also had to take down a drywall ceiling, which was about as pleasant as you could imagine having lots of dust and dirt falling on your head could feel like. We had to toss all that stuff out of a window as well. In another room we did more tossing and it was completely dust the end of the day, I thought my lungs were coated in dust. We went through a few dust masks and we all got super heavy gloves and protective eyewear. Ryan and I made $80, but I don't think I'd be willing to do it again. I'm glad I got the experience now I will never go into the construction business.

I'm not sure what happened all of last week. Not much? Trying to eat less (which didn't work today cos I had a bunch of bananas in my room) and not doing very well with current website making stuff. I'm just LAZY! ERGH! Still haven't put the new poofy shirts on my site cos my laptop can't connect to the internet right now (I'm using the communal computer each media studies hose's a nice powerful mac, although I don't know which one).

Today is Even's birthday! There's something to celebrate. Makes my day a little bit happier...but not by much. Not that today was a really BAD day, it just wasn't that exciting. Not that it ever is. What am I expecting, that a fairy will emerge in my room and start singing showtunes? That would be downright frightening.

It's frustrating to not really have anyone to talk to in real life. I know that's not really true, as everyone here is cool and would talk to me if I really wanted to, but I don't want to bother them. Last night a bunch of us were just sitting around and talking (I was half asleep on a comfy futon...not in this house, of course, which is kind of devoid of furniture) and it was kind of depressing because people were talking about things I had no experience with and am not sure if I want any experience with: alcohol, relationships, cooked food...okay, I have experiences with cooked food, but it's been a while you know? I haven't cooked anything myself in one and a half years.

God, something above my eyebrow is itchy. I hate it when that happens. I also started getting signs of my period today, which would be very alarming if I weren't on the cleanse. It has to be this cleanse since it's only been a few weeks since my last period. Arrgh...annoying. It supports the idea of menstruation that I believe in, in that it's a way to get rid of toxins and explains why so many people experience painful cramps and PMS and whatever other crap. THEY'RE FULL OF TOXINS! Get over it. That may not apply to everyone, but I believe it applies to the majority of people. And if you eat crap and have a crappy lifestyle and happen to have very painful periods, then...change something.

I could bitch some more. But it's too personal. Screw me. Lalala. I'm going to be up all night thinking about crap that doesn't matter.

I tried to teach myself some PHP today and it's fairly easy...some of it, at least. I could make a simple form. Check these out:

bad word
favorite fruit

Fun times. PHP reminds me of C++ except that now I'm not in school it doesn't scare me. C++ literally made me cry.

June 15, 2004

the not so cool disease

I'm not a very cool person. I can deal with that. I suppose. Anyway, what's the point of this entry? I have no idea. I guess this blog is my way of talking to myself without being as crazy as actually opening my mouth and speaking. I'm not sure if that's bad or good. Without a blog, would I just talk aloud to myself all the time? "Robyn, you suck." "Ohh...yeah, okay." Actually, things aren't that bad but right now I'm not in a great mood. I tend to update this blog when my head is in a less than joyful state. Sorry.

What has gone on in the past week? Well last Wednesday nearly all the media students went to Storm King for a little field trip. Last Wednesday was also one of the hottest and most humid days in existence on par with a level of hell (one of the upper levels). It was a fun day besides the buckets of sweating part. I'm surprised no one collapsed from dehydration. After leaving Storm King a bunch of us went to some malls to walk around. Because...that's what you do in the Poughkeepsie area. Go to malls or find a huge ass outdoor sculpture museum.

Wednesday night was especially odd as my brain did a 360 and made me walk around aimlessly (in a large circle) for an hour and cap off the night by sitting in a tree and taking strange photos of myself. Joy. Wednesday.

Not much else happened that week. I left early on Friday to come home for the weekend, during which I met up with Aliza and saw the Harry Potter movie again in an IMAX theater. I guess twice is enough, or once on a regular screen and once on a huge ass screen is enough. I'm currently reading the book...good stuff. I think I've read it at least three times before but I always forget stuff.

Now I am back in school. Yay. Monday. An unexciting Monday. As usual I was first in the cloisters, although I was one of the first to leave as well. Not much happened today besides me being kind of confused about my project, seeing as I don't know what to do. That's usually a problem. I ate too much honey today, if that's notable...perhaps. People don't usually eat honey out of jars by the spoonful but I was getting desperate. I ate too much today, although it was just fruit and honey. I'm glad my teeth are still intact.

I'm more comfortable here than before but I'm still rather unsocial. I feel so different, not that I'm actually all that different from everyone else, but what is it about me that makes me so...not-fitting-in? Argh. No one knows. I'll never know. And no one can give me answers so it's a bit frustrating. I guess I'm talking to myself again. Tralala. I have another question that no one can answer.

As "typical teenage girl"-ish this will make me sound, how come those of the male persuasion have never taken any interest in me? You know what I mean. I don't think I've ever publicly asked this before. There's pretty much only been one time someone liked me, but that was almost not real. For the record I'll say it's not. So what the hell is wrong with me/the rest of the world? I'm going to be 19 soon and it's not at all unbelievable that I went all throughout high school with minimal contact with the opposite sex, but I did go to a regular, co-ed public high school. It would make more sense if I had gone to an all-girls school. I should've just gone to an all-women's college, but they didn't like me. Ugh. Whatever. I'm not going to change anything now so that guys will like me so I'm wondering what's "wrong" with how I am just being me. I hope it's not too egotistical for me to say that I don't think I'm a very unappealing person. Last time I checked I was still human. Yup. And I still have all the appendages I was born with.

Damn, I'm really self-centered. Sorry.

I guess overall though my life is about 1000% easier than other people's lives involving relationships. So I'll count my blessings. I feel like all other people do is bitch about their exes and things like that. Just...SHUT UP! Honestly. Shut up. It's annoying. No one wants to hear you whine. I can sympathize if this happens for the first time to someone, but if it happens five times it's really hard to feel sorry for the person. Like "Damn, I touched that stove five times and I keep getting burned! I wonder WHY." Gee, I have no fucking clue. Now...leave me alone.

[I'm not really that bitter. It was kind of fun typing that last paragraph though. :)]

June 19, 2004

I hate being a dumbass

I had typed up a pretty long entry and then Firefox suddenly quit. By now I've learned to type everything in some external text editor, but since I'm using a mac I figured I didn't need to. Guess I was wrong. I've hardly every had program crash on me on a mac so you's just my luck. Thanks. Today sucks a lot of ass. Now I wonder why I bother writing anything at all when most of the time I don't talk about the things I'm really thinking about. I don't even write about that stuff in my own paper journal. I think I'm too scared to even know what I'm thinking...

Uh. Anyway. On Thursday I went to NYU for a transfers orientation and to register for my classes. All six of em:

  1. New student seminar - required, non credit class
  2. Intro/food/food science - also has a lab, which is a cooking class...hehe. Nope, I don't have to cook.
  3. Intro to modern chem - has a lab
  4. Computers in nutrition - I might be exempt from this depending on how computer savvy I am...not very
  5. Writing the essay - I heard this class is awful and it's a crapshoot whether you get a good teacher or not. I chose a teacher with an Indian name that I recognized...let's hope that doesn't screw me over.
  6. Nutrition and health

I don't have classes on Monday and I only have one morning class on Friday. So I'm kind of afraid of the other three weekdays. I think I'll manage, but it'll be such a change from Vassar where I didn't have to commute anywhere (I'll practically be doing that since I'm certain I'll be living at the Water Street residence) and I only took four classes a semester. Also, nearly all my classes are in different buildings. I'm going to have to memorize how to get around Washington Square park and where all the buildings are. That shouldn't be very hard but still, it's just more stress me out.

Besides registering for classes during the orientation, I also had to take a writing test. We had to write about the relationship between people and amusement parks, or something weird like that. I wrote an incredibly crappy essay, but I think it was semi-coherent. The school basically wants to know if we can hold a pen and if we know the English language. There were four other girls transferring into the nutrition major...woo, cool. The student who helped us get around campus was really nice and she's going to be a sophomore so I'll probably get to see her again.

I really hope that I don't get screwed over living in the city. I feel like I'm screwed all the time, or today in particular I feel screwed. Like I'll always be alone and such stuff like that. Swell. I just haven't really hung out with anyone today so I feel very much alone despite being surrounded by people. That happens a lot though...I could be in a crowd of people and feel like there isn't a person in sight. That doesn't happen much in the city though. Too many people? Hm.

I did other stuff in the city besides just go to the orientation since I had a lot of time to kill. I took a walk to the Visionaire gallery to see The Dunny Show. Those things look pretty cute online but in real life they're actually kinda scary. I also stopped by Zakka since it was close by. I got to buy the issue of Idea about Scandinavia that I've been wanting for a few months. There goes $45. While walking down West Broadway I went into a bunch of clothing stores for fun and I ended up buying two shirts from this one store.

I ate dinner at Life Thyme, consisting of a raw pizza and raw spirulina pie. Mm, now that is delicious. It was a big indulgence though, which is why I need to semi-fast now. Today and yesterday all I ate was my Ejuva cleanse herbs, water, and honey. I feel okay. So. It can't be that bad, eh? I guess it wouldn't be worth it to eat "real" food and screw up my cleanse for the moment. I can bear not eating for a few days.

Today I didn't do much besides go out for a few hours to lie by Sunset Lake and write letters and study Norwegian. Other than that I've been in my house ALL DAY LONG, and I haven't done much to show for it. I took a nap. I read. I listened to music. I'm listening to My Bloody Valentine right now. "Loveless" is a good album...dreamy and layer-ee. Another good thing (although unrelated) is Blankets by Craig Thompson. I practically read the whole book in a day (well, less than a day) but it's pretty easy. I was thinking that the story wouldn't have been that great if it were just prose, but with the drawings it was really beautiful. Or maybe I'm being too harsh because I'm not that into love type stories, but it was really good. READ IT!

So. ... was kinda depressing. I went into my "Why the hell am I here and why was I born and why don't people like me?" mode. I semi hung out with some of my housemates, until they started smoking pot and the smell was unbearable. But it was nice of the dude to offer to hang out with me. I generally don't like hanging out with people though because I think I'll bother them. People almost never ask me to hang out with them, so I just get really self doesn't help that I live in a house where nothing happens. I keep thinking about how my summer would be going if I lived in the house I was supposed to live in originally. I guess I'll never know.

I think there are a lot of things I'll never know.

Unconscious mutterings:

  1. Abundance::food
  2. Casino::gambling
  3. Shell::turtle
  4. Overpriced::money
  5. Cancellation::check
  6. Eternal::sunshine
  7. Lyrics::music
  8. Faith::religion
  9. Because::i said so
  10. Wimp::weak

October 17, 2004

a day of nothingness

So I'm sitting in my room on this possibly lovely Sunday afternoon. I wouldn't know because I haven't been outside yet. I went to bed at around 6 AM and woke up at 1:30 PM, although I had an unrestful night for some reason. I woke up at 9 AM to change from my shorts into long pants, which helped a bit. It's not even that cold...what's wrong with me?

[takes a peek outside]'s cloudy. Lovely. I suppose I'm best off staying inside in my pajamas then. I'm trying to get work done, and I'm being semi-successful. I'm also trying to eat less, which has been working pretty well over the past few days, even despite the 12 ounces of granola I ate within a 24 hour period (aka, about 1200 calories). When I say I can't buy large amounts of food because I will eat it all (I ate most of the package within a few hours) I really mean it. I rarely go to supermarkets, but I wanted to go to one near my dorm with Mary that I had never been to before. It's a nice supermarket (Jubilee) but too tempting. :(

Food. Still having food issues as always, but I'm losing weight! Thank god. So I'm at about the same level as I was a few months ago, which isn't great but better than where I was a few years ago. My aim is still to fit into my pants that I wore last year, which wouldn't be a big deal for most people but I gained about 20 pounds over the past year. Uncool. Damn pants!

Today I ate two persimmons. As in, that's all I ate. I wouldn't recommend this in the long run but for one day when I'm essentially expending nil energy (I know I burn something like 1000 calories just by sitting here all day...meh). My plan is to eat persimmons for a few days, just enough so that I don't die from carbohydrate deficiency.

I'm still happy, but sad too. Oh well.

I want to go back to sleep.

November 16, 2004

alive and feelin' fine

For some reason, right now I'm thinking about snow and how nice it is to walk through a blizzard and be surrounded by whiteness. And I'm thinking about the music that would go along with such walking.

A lot has happened in the past week, most likely. I neglect this blog because...well, I know not a lot of people read it. But I did spend time designing it and such, but the content? Where is it? Doh.

I'm listening to Rufus Wainwright's new album, Want Two, right now. I first heard Agnus Dei when I saw him play at John Harm's Center. It was absolutely beautiful then, but the album version is just cathartic. This is good walking-through-snow music. Play at full volume with headphones.

So what happened this week? Well. I don't remember a lot of it, unfortunately. I write a lot of stupid stuff in my livejournal but I'd rather not reread it. I'll summarize in convenient bullet form:

  • Visited Vassar, saw friends, saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show, was somewhat horrified
  • Walked through my first snowstorm of the season in Poughkeepsie
  • Ate a really bad slice of pumpkin pie, courtesy of the Vassar ACDC
  • Made ice cream with my mum for the first time, made of milk, heavy cream, honey, egg yolks, and ginger
  • Did interning for Filter twice (Mondays), acquired craploads of CDs and new music loves (right now, Elefant and Moving Units)
  • For Filter interning, ventured into the Lower East Side by myself and found out it's deserted at 9:30 PM, which doesn't make it very threatening
  • Ate a lot of muffins that were either pumpkin or carrot flavor; have to figure out a way to cut down muffin consumption
  • Ate at three places in Chinatown on Friday...during lunch time
  • Decided I really love music more than anything else, ie, more than food

Okay, I have to read some more about food and cram for a test. Lovely.

November 27, 2004

not doing much

The title is self explanatory. I've been inside for two days now as I haven't had much need to do anything. Except I do have a big research paper due in a few weeks that I've barely started. I really need to focus more on school work but I've never been very interested in school. Despite that, I've done well enough in it to get this far. I know I'm lucky to be going to college and, heck, I'm lucky overall for being alive with all extremities intact. But no matter how much you have, you'll always want more. :(

So what do I want? No idea. …okay, loads of things. Talent in something. Skills that I'm not getting right now. To actually read craigslist job postings and think I can do that! I don't see how I'm going to be able to do anything in this world.

Ultimate dream…write simple nice songs and not be afraid to play them and make people happy. Oh, and to be happy. Not that I'm unhappy. I'm one of the happier people that I know, although food puts me in odd extremes. But generally, I don't get extremely mad or angry. I can be extremely happy, depression doesn't happy much. I guess I'm lucky. I don't know what I'm looking for at this age.

I'm too unproductive. I haven't figured out what use I am on this planet. Okay, that's a tad bleak. Well. Yup.

There's a guitar I want. It'll take a while to save up for. It would be easier if I just didn't eat for a few months but that won't really work. Food money won't translate to guitar money.

Money is ugh.

December 28, 2004

tsunami relief effort

From by way of Brooklyn Vegan:

CNN International provided the following list of agencies raising funds for Tsunami victims.

Action Against Hunger (212-967-7800) -- -- The agency says it's raised $8,000 so far in the U.S. Anne-Sophie Fournier, AAH's New York Executive Director, told CNN that there are about 15 ex-pats working in Sri Lanka, and more volunteers are on the way to Thailand and Indonesia.

Air Serv International (540-428-2323) -- -- The agency is working with U.S. and European government agencies to begin relief flights into Sri Lanka, southeast India and Maldives as early as Wednesday.

American Jewish World Service (212-736-2597) -- -- The agency said it has raised nearly $200,000 through phone and Internet contributions and is working with its 24 project partners around the world on relief efforts. The relief agency told CNN it has found local shopkeepers whose shops weren't destroyed and asked them to make donations until more supplies arrive.

Direct Relief International (805-964-4767) -- -- The agency said shipping giant FedEx Corp. has offered free air freight services. It has also asked consumer products maker Johnson & Johnson to match donations.

Plan USA (800-556-7918) -- -- The agency has been working to raise money for food, shelter and clean water with about 100 staffers in Sri Lanka working with people on the ground. Hugh Minor, spokesman for Plan USA, said the response has been positive, with one individual donating $50,000.

Project Hope (800-544-4673) -- -- The agency has sent medical supplies and medicines to Thailand and Indonesia. Project Hope said it's received offers of medical supplies and individual donations but did not specify a dollar figure.

World Emergency Relief (760-930-8001) -- -- The agency has shipped 5,000 pounds of sheets, blankets and food to Columbo, Sri Lanka and sent 250 boxes from England with food, hygiene supplies and tents. The agency plans to ship 300,000 pounds more food within the next week, mostly to Thailand.

You can also donate at (thanks Diana). I donated (well, donated my mum's money) at Action Against Hunger.

January 5, 2005

2005 is swell

Yesterday I went to bed sometime after 7 AM. When the sun starts coming up then you know you've stayed up a tad too late. I was trying to install Blosxom (because what I really need in life is another way to blog) and it worked. But. I haven't figured out how to make it do what I want it to do. It's actually too simple at this point, until I figure out what plugins I need or WHAT TO DO, GOD DAMMIT or maybe I won't make another blog because I really don't need to do that. Um. Yeah. I'll do things the old fashion way of just making pages and uploading them and blargh. I think I'm too lazy to do all the bloxsom stuff (my plan was to use it for a music blog).

My head hurts. I've watched the first season of Futurama and almost all of the second in their entirety twice. No, I don't loaf around and do nothing while the TV spits out electrical rays, giving me brain damage in the process. I also made POOFIES! This is mildly exciting since I haven't made any since last summer. It's not a big money maker but that's part of the reason I'm making them. So for roughly a million hours of labor I can make maybe $200. Sweet. Maybe because I was watching TV or because I hadn't made poofies in a while, it took me between 1.5 and 2 hours to make each Poofy. I didn't stuff them yet so it's probably closer to 2 hours. That's sad. It's a small part of my day of course. Last time I checked there were 24 hours in a day which means in theory, if I were a robot and did not require sleep or food, I could make 12 Poofies in one day. Over the past three days I've made 7 (unstuffed) Poofies. Not too bad for three days. I used to spread em out so I'd do one each day. I know I've made over 100 Poofies by now but I don't know the exact number.

Damn, I'm procrastinating and pushing off sleep. I'm reading and being completely fascinated in the process. Here I am doing essentially nothing but losing brain cells and these people went all over the US and saw a gazillion landmarks, met a gazillion people, covered a gazillion miles...a gazillion is a large number. So large, in fact, it's not even real. Maybe in the future someone will have figured out the numerical value of gazillion. Their experience with September 11th and being at ground zero is amazing but right now I'm looking at their cheap ass NYC tour. I'd consider doing this if I hadn't done almost everything on the list already. I haven't done numbers 1, 2, 4, 10 (I haven't been very close to City Hall but I've seen it, as I live near there, and I've walked under the Brooklyn Bridge a crapload of times by now), 12, 14, 16, 20, 25, and 30. So I've done enough, eh? Not in one day though and not recently. But I don't think I'll wanna do it all again by myself. IN ONE DAY. After reading that though, I feel rather adventurous and feel guilty for spending the entire day inside. I live in NYC and I didn't go outside at all today. That should be illegal.

So what will I do today? Probably wake up late and then be too lazy to go anywhere. Oops. What do I want to do...damn, I need more interests. I can't think of anything. On Saturday morning I walked down Broadway and everything was so empty, being New Year's Eve, except for the craploads of tourists (at least more than I'm used to seeing around here). It felt...just strange. Is my room the only place that doesn't feel strange? What the hell? I'm screwed. Maybe I need more friends. Yetta actually called me last night and asked if I would go to a taping of Carson Daly with her today! My initial reaction that I made after thinking for about half a second was that I wasn't interested in Keifer Sutherland or the other guests (not that I have anything against them, but I can't think of many [or any] actors/actresses that interests me enough to the point that I'd go to a TV show taping). After I got off the phone and though longer than a split second I realized that I probably should've gone just for the sake of getting out of my dorm and wandering around midtown, which may results in the purchase of FOOD but ...meh.

Oh, food. I looked in the mirror the other day and realized how fat I was getting. Very. I haven't weighed myself in more than a month (I used to weigh myself every day) because I'm too scared. :( I know the obvious thing to do is eat less but I didn't accomplish that today. I ate two persimmons, a pork bun, 6 dumplings, 1/2 pint of ice cream, two cups of hot white chocolate (because the mug fits that much), some chocolate, and a few ounces of snap peas. CRAP, I forgot to drink more water! Unless I eat something weird that makes me thirsty, I forget to drink water. Maybe I should eat drier food; that would get the message across.

I'm not unhappy but I'm not really happy either. Somewhere in between. I really need to lose weight. Oh well, at least I didn't eat any pastries today.

January 6, 2005

nothing's going on

Since I'm in New Jersey right now staring out the dining room windows at the grayness that is NEW JERSEY, I'm going to do the "nothing's going on dance". [sits] That is the dance: sitting. Because nothing's going on. That explains why I'm blogging one day after my last entry (although more than 24 hours after), even though there is nothing to blog about except the sad weather and the adventure that is sitting while staring at the sad weather.

Actually, this is the first time this season I've seen such sucky weather. I saw snow ages ago in Poughkeepsie but it was sunny and nice. Last night I could hear frozen rain pelting down on the house. Now the roads have that gray mushy crap snow/dirt/parasite mixture that takes the fun out of having snow on the ground. I wonder what it's like in NYC right now. I'll find out tonight when I go back to my dorm.

I came home because I needed to pick up some things (to be exact, poofy stuffing, another season of Futurama DVDs, a book for my upcoming writing course, other junk) and it's not like I had anything better to do. Ha ha!

My goal right now is to lose weight. Time, until death. My decaying body will surely lose weight, right? Um. Oh, this is food related: Starbucks in New York City. I live near a gazillion of these. No matter where you are in Manhattan, you probably live near a handful of these. I feel like I've walked by a lot of these locations though and I can't recall seeing a Starbucks. Either I'm not observant enough or they're not there anymore.

Fooding has been boring lately. I shouldn't go fooding at all, but...but. Buuuh! I thought about not eating lunch today since i woke up so late but then my mum (my insanely small, skinny mum who regularly comments on how she doesn't gain weight; she's 50 by the way, so she seems pretty safe) cooked rice noodles. The noods! I love the noods. So I ate the noods with soy sauce and seaweed.

I know it's a while before my vacation ends but I'm already dreading school. I get to do some Filter-ing tomorrow though, which will be the only semi-productive thing I've done all week. They've got a new couch. DID YOU HEAR ME? A COUCH! The Filter office/apt is now suitable for more than two people to sit in!

I haven't even seen other people besides my own family all week. The last friend I saw wasn't even from NYC and now he's in Taiwan. My life is weird, although at least I'm not obsessed with Pikachu.

January 11, 2005

rambling entry

I woke up at nearly 5 today, which almost makes sense because I went to bed after 7 am. I don't know how to stop this cycle unless I have to wake up early. Then again I woke up at noon yesterday..and went to bed at 7 AM anyway. Since I'm not obligated to wake up or go out...blah.

When I went to sleep and looked outside I got the strangest feeling. "Haven't I been here before?" Obviously I was in my dorm room but it was another feeling. I realized it felt like being in Taiwan when I'd have to wake up at 6-something AM for school. Being in the city surrounded by buildings (I lived higher up in Taiwan though) made it feel even more so. The same colored sky in NJ wouldn't have felt like Taiwan. I dunno why I'm mentioning that, it was just weird to tap into a feeling from years past.

Surely you know about the iPod shuffle by now. When I first heard of it I thought "...why would I want that?" And then I thought about how carrying an ipod around while walking, as small as it is, gets annoying and scrolling through a bagillion artists and playlists is blah. I don't feel the need to get the ipod shuffle but it's a really good idea. Mac mini is nice too...good lord, it's like the size of my external harddrive. How sad (on my part, the non mac user). I still like laptops the most but that is..nifty.

Strange marketing campaigns: Wrangler drops frozen jeans on cities. One-ton ice blocks with Wrangler jeans in them dropped in German cities. Memorable, but would that make me want to buy the pants? Mrrh?

Last night I got weird abdomen aches. I have no idea when that has happened before, which scares me. It's either from too much cupcake or Italian food, both of which I rarely eat. Or maybe my body is reaching the threshold of how much crap I can stuff in it. I feel fine now although since I woke up so late I have no desire to eat. I'll probably feel like complete crap tomorrow judging from prior experience of fasting for too long but the idea of eating now is a bit sickening.

I'm getting a little tired of making websites. I still enjoy it but I wish it were a job...actually, maybe I only enjoy it because it's not a job? I do get satisfaction out of it without any monetary value but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't want to get paid for anything I do.

Ah whatever, I should stop complaining. I slept a lot. Yay. If it weren't for music I'd have issues.

January 20, 2005


School has started, which is always a bitch (for lack of a better word). It's not bad so far but I can tell it's going to be a lot more work than last year. Three of my classes last semester barely had any homework while this year, that's not really the case. I know I had it too easy last semester but as I'm sitting here BLOGGING instead of doing homework (I haven't done any homework since I got back to my dorm about 5 hours ago). I'm also eating weird stuff, which is never a good idea. Damn food, it's too easy to find what you want in NYC (I wanted something without wheat or rice that I'd like, and I did).

But no food talk. Or music talk.

I was looking at Clark Macleod's photo site and running across those from Taipei made me miss the city. I haven't gone through the hundreds of photos on the site but here are some that made me reminisce about a particular memory of Taipei (not that anyone will care but I barely update this thing, I don't think it matters):

Shop shop shop: I may be wrong but I think the right-most building is Mitsukoshi (department store). When I lived in Taipei (1996-1997) this building was new and there was almost nothing else around there. It didn't feel like an abandoned area, just an oddly undeveloped area (they obviously had plans for it). Warner Village was built afterwards and it was DAMN CROWDED. Scary crowded. I saw Titanic there and sat all the way in the back. Nice theater though. Most theaters in Taipei are iffy so I guess it was a nice change but the lines to buy tickets were horrendous at the time. Maybe they have machines you can buy tickets from with credit cards now (that's usually what I use at theaters).

The MRT: This was also pretty new when I lived in Taipei. It didn't go very far so I took the bus most of the time. Also, I don't think I lived very close to a stop. Then again, living in NYC I never take buses or cabs. THe way I see it, I'm always close enough to a subway and a subway is always close enough to where I wanna go. And if something is within a 20 minute walk, I can just walk there. Hell, 40 minutes is "walking distance" too if the weather doesn't suck and I have no time limit. The problem is finding reasons to go out (in NYC, yes I know this is stupid).

Downtown street: Not taken in Taipei but lots of streets look like this. I had totally forgotten.

es-light, es-leet, es-leeté?: I NEVER HAD ANY IDEA HOW TO PRONOUNCE THE DAMN NAME OF THIS STORE!!! I went with "es-leet", whatever that means. Eslite is a nice bookstore chain which I liked because it had many books in English. I frequently bought Mad Magazine there and loads of novels for leisure reading (remember the time of leisure reading? barely). The branch I lived near had loads of nice shops in the basement that bored me at the time but I'd probably find more interesting now. Actually, there was a separate children's bookstore in the basement. There was also a designer stationery-esque store and a weird furniture store. Similar to B&N or Borders, Eslite also had a cafe. Once I took a bunch of friends to Eslite and we had some overpriced water and tea. Oops. (We were 12 years old at the time so we must've looked kind of strange.)

Ah well, that's it for now. If I were growing up in Taiwan now, things would be different. First off, I'd have a digital camera and probably a blog (I started my first website while in Taiwan, although it was far from a blog or anything any other human should have been subjected to looking at).

I've also been thinking about how I don't care enough my education. I wish I cared, but my heart isn't into it. My heart is into things I can't excel greatly at (or don't think I could make a living out of); drawing stupid comics, playing music, making websites. I'm not totally hopeless but I wonder what all my family's money and my effort is being channeled into. So I can get a degree and then do whatever I want? Or maybe not. Once I start thinking about all the things I'd rather do I forget how lucky I already am. So on top of not caring enough about the things I should care about, I'm also selfish. I don't know how to not be a burden to society while I'm still living here yet I don't know how to make things better. I just hope the little things I can do to help other makes some kind of difference. Small stupid things, but...helpful. Maybe.

January 28, 2005

just to say hello

Actually, that's not true. There has been a lot on my mind in the past week but nothing I can explain in a cohesive manner. I don't know why this seems to be my most neglected blog. Actually, when I think about it a LOT has happened in the past week, such as the massive amounts of snow and actually going out sometimes and being completely food-stressed and somewhat doing well on my no grains diet. I slipped a little today because I went to Sugar Sweet Sunshine Bakery with Diana and wanted banana pudding, the least grain-based product there. Only problem is that banana pudding traditionally has vanilla wafers layered in it and when scooped out and splodged into a cup the vanilla wafers totally mix in. I was doing pretty well until the end when the bakery was closing and I frantically tried to get any other bits of banana or pudding into my system while avoiding the vanilla wafers that infiltrated every bit of luscious pudding. Not so good. I think I managed to eat a third of the cup. Great pudding but I just can't have it again. :(

Lately I've been having many doubts about school. I have no passion for it. ...I feel like I've talked about this before but it can be said again. School. Boo. I have nothing against education, I just don't feel like I belong there and nothing can convince me that EVERYONE is meant to go to college. The only reason I'm there is because my parents can pay for it. It's not like I didn't try at all to get in (I did well all throughout high school, although I did the minimum) but I'm not paying for any of it. If I had to pay for school I'd stay at home and go to Rutgers. Rutgers is a perfectly good school but doesn't carry the prestige of NYU, ooh, I care so much. If you want an education, almost any education is better than none. But what do I want to do?

The only thing I've done consistently for the past many years and don't totally suck at is web design. I wish I could do that for a living, especially when I see the table-laden websites that still plague the Internet in all their complicated HTML and such things but I know I can't with the limited web knowledge I have. I don't know about programming or databases and for god's sake I'M NOT GOING TO LEARN FLASH! Flash is not crutial to web design! I surely wouldn't mind knowing it but there are more important things. I hate seeing job requests for web designers or developers on craigslist and they never list anything about having to know CSS or web standards. I feel like these people are living in the in, a year or more. One normal year is a gazillion Internet years. Many Internet generations have passed in that time period.

I love music as well, but that's far from being a reasonable thing to pursue. You can't do stuff you suck at. I may have found someone to collaborate with on music, which is exciting.

Food is still the biggest stress. At least it makes me happy sometimes but I don't know if it's worth it. School never makes me happy but may not make me as depressed as food. But at some point I'll stop going to school while I can never stop eating food. Until I'm dead, at least. No wonder eating disorders and such a...disorder. Not that I have one (not diagnosable at least) but good lord, I can't let my food issues go. Thinking about them make me want to cry sometimes.

This was random. Anyway. Long live non-grain filled foods and good music.

February 1, 2005


I'm in a fairly good mood (besides that I have to pee, but I feel like I can hold it a bit longer). I'm reading an interesting essay entitled "pain" (yes, lowercase p) assigned for my "Writing the Essay" class from Mercer Street, an NYU-published book of essays from the school's expository writing program. It's about...well, pain. Instead of confusing me like my last assignment (which my teacher said was the hardest essay we'd have to read all year...thank god, philosphy irks me) this essay made me think. Or mull over things. Think may imply some meaningful thought, which...probably isn't going on.

The emotional component of pain doesn't necessarily lie in the realm of science. It is characterized primarily by raw human experience for which there is no technological equivalent.

I guess it speaks to me in light of recent events, some of which I'm barred from speaking about at the moment, but you'll hear about it sooner or later this year. Overall I guess I haven't had that many bad experiences in my life. I can think Two. TWO. At least two. I mean, two experiences that were really scary or depressing because of emotional things. Don't worry, if you're reading this it probably had nothing to do with you. The thing is that one was resolved while the other wasn't. Oh well, no biggie.

I don't want to think about all the bad things that have happened to me, do I? Haha! No way. For now I'll think about...something else.

Oh, updated beck beck beck with new stuff. The E-Pro video is so...weird...I have to watch it again. It's surreal. I'm not even going to describe it. One thing I will say is that Shynola did it and it looks like...something they'd do, if that means anything. Not really. Anyhoo! I still have to pee.

February 6, 2005

oh well

I'm really glad I'm not deaf or else I wouldn't be able to listen to music. I could feel it if I were deaf, I guess, but I need music in the same way that some people need television. Or heroin.

My weekend has been uneventful but I had an awsome Friday. All around good from start to finish. Diana slept over the night before and we woke up nice and early. I went to the library to do a bit of studying (which didn't get very far) and then met up with Mimi for lunching. We ate at Montien, which we had never seen before but it was surprisingly good. Always nice to discover yummy places. Then we played...pool. I've never been inside a pool hall before but there are a few around NYU and Mimi goes to them somewhat frequently (somewhat frequently meaning more than once). While I beat her in the first game, I completely sucked after that. There is such a thing as beginner's luck. Of course, what I really wanted was ice cream so we headed to Ben & Jerry's for some milkshakes, making that the second time I've ever had a milkshake. The verdict: I'd much rather eat ice cream than drink it, but I got to use a spoon to scoopy up the chocolate chip and slivered almond dregs at the bottom of my cup, which was the best part (besides drinking a few hundred calories).

And then...afternoon came. Actually, it was already afternoon by the time I was shooting pool (very badly) and slurping a shake, but the funness of Friday was meeting Arthur, a guy I met on 15 megs of fame (I'm there, although I'd rather not make it too easy for you to find me since I don't update it anymore and the songs are shitty; I recommend Levy for being awesome and Arthur for being awesome). I met him outside where he works in Midtown at around 6 PM and then we went to his place in the Bronx (or just plain Bronx?).

Okay, that sounds sketchy but I'd like to believe I have good judgement. Last year I met four Internet friends and they were all awesome, as in "I can't imagine my life without you" awesome. I'm very lucky to meet so many cool people online. To sum up, one was from New Zealand (but I met her in London), another from Florida, another from Virginia, and another from New Jersey. And now I met someone from...NYC! Woo. And my best friend, Diana, started off as an Internet friend way back in 1998.

So of course, Arthur is totally cool and is one of the coolest people I have ever met. We decided to meet up because he has a drum set and...hey, I play drums! It was my first time playing drums with someone else who played guitar and I'm not sure how else to say how cool it was besides IT WAS SO COOL! We all have silly dreams and one of mine (for years) is to play in a band. So right now it seems like I'm in a two person band. Hey, it works. I kind of suck at the drums but it's one of those things you don't forget if you've done it once and you can still move your arms and legs. Arthur has a crapload of guitars, which I didn't know so I brought my acoustic with me. The music room needs some decorations, maybe I can take care of that...

And after mucking around and playing junk, we just hung out, listened to music, talked...about what I don't know but it was interesting. I didn't have to feign interest like in every conversation I have with my roommate at least (it's unfortunate but true). It's amazing that someone as shy as me can find someone that just makes me feel at ease. Anyhoo, Arthur is a wickedly good artist and his music could go somewhere...and jesus, I feel inadequate.

So even though it took me an hour or more to get home on the subway, partially because I'm a dumbass and forgot that the 2 train goes to m stop, I had a great night and a new happiness for the human race, even though a lot of it seems to be going to shit (couldn't think of another appropriate word). My life is getting a bit weird, but I can't say much about it now until things are move final. Don't worry, it's nothing life threatening. Life changing, for better or worse.

Still don't like school. I feel like I'm wasting my time not doing things I really want to do. People ask me what I want to do...well, web stuff, comic stuff, stuffed animal stuff, design stuff, music stuff. I think I have a lot of choices, although web stuff is probably the most productive thing. I'd have to learn a million other website related languages though to do that...I think. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. As much as I dislike my designs, I know they're better than some stuff out there that people actually get paid for, but my skills are inadequate in most work environments because I just don't know enough. I guess people don't want webmasters who only know html, css, some bits about web standards, and photoshop. Without flash, I'm nothing. Which is crap.

Oh well. Ranty. I dislike school, but I like life besides school. Kings of Convenience show on Monday should do some spirit uplifting things and I'm looking forward to March to see Doves and Levy.

Music saves me, as usual.

From Unconscious Mutterings:

  1. Shelter :: house
  2. Karate Kid :: movie
  3. Andrew :: I don't know anyone named Andrew
  4. Rib :: cage
  5. Push it :: out
  6. Creep :: Radiohead
  7. Chainlink :: fence
  8. Squash :: soup
  9. No mercy :: clothing?
  10. Superhero :: superman

February 12, 2005

shouldn't be blogging

I don't know why I have this website. Just a way for me to take up more real estate on the Internet, perhaps. And I don't have much to say except I've possibly never felt so hopeless in my life. The only upside is that in the future I will probably feel more hopeless. I'm a bit young for this to be the most hopeless time of my entirely lifespan, but this is the oldest I am at...this point in life. I'm not making sense at this point.

I ate honey today. And water. I need the honey to drink the water or I'd probably forget to drink. I think I'm saving a lot of money on food. Ha ha.

My pants don't fit well.

I'm so shy I can't even cry properly when I'm alone in my room. I had the fear of my roommate coming back at any moment so I shoved my head into a towel. A towel that was nearly fresh out of the dryer. Kind of nice. But not. Crying triggered by stupid self centered thoughts isn't good.

Thinking about all the suffering in the world doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Things will always be worse. Does that mean I should be happier about where I am? Probably. And since it doesn't actually make me feel any happier, I feel worse.

I've come to the conclusion that I really can't do anything I enjoy in my future. I mean, hobbies and such aren't reasonable endeavours. I practiced guitar today. That was nice. But I still suck. I don't know how the Kings of Convenience do it. Norwegian air? Websites suck. Comics very much suck.

I absorb other people's words too easily. No matter what I'll never believe I'm actually that smart or talented. I don't know why but my mum thinks it has something to do with my dad's lack of fathering when I was little. That sounds like psychobabble to me. I think I would've ended up the same if my dad were always around. I think I'm doomed.

At this point I feel like the only point to being alive is to not disappoint my parents too much. They brought me into the world. I didn't want to be born. Since they wanted me, I could at the very least make them feel better about having a daughter. Pass college even if I hate it, find a place to live, not get murdered on the Lower East Side like that woman last month. Yay. I'm not going to do well in college anyway seeing as how I'm a food studies major and I'm afraid of food right now, hence the honey and water. I'll probably be afraid of honey too.

...or it's not that I'm afraid of food, I just don't want to eat it. It all sickens me. Other people can eat it but I can't. Why? Because. I know I'm relatively healthy but I hate that I gained more than 20 pounds when I started eating cooked food. I guess eating raw honey makes me a raw foodist again. Haha. Ha.

Food is probably masking some other problem that I can't identify.

I can't write this paper about Jesus and parables and money and stuff I don't know. My mum said I can just make up stuff since it's my interpretation but I'm not even good at making up stuff. And I can't make up stuff about something I barely know anything about, like the Bible. And I don't care. This class makes me feel stupid, which is a pretty bad feeling. It's not the worst feeling in the world but the feeling will constantly plague me as long as i have to go to school. I haven't gotten the impression that over the years i've gotten any smarter. I guess I've gained something but I don't know what. My self esteem is at an all time low.

Tomorrow I just want to stay in my room all day and...well, do my homework out of neccessity, not because I want to. My mum said I could see a psychologist on campus since, hey, we're already paying for it, but I don't want to. Nor do I really want to talk to anyone, thus no IM-ing, no cell phone. Don't e-mail me. I know one person e-mailed me, I have to reply to that.

I just had this morbid idea that if I killed myself then at the very least I wouldn't be able to disappoint people in the future. Thankfully I know that it's a stupid idea. I wouldn't kill myself. Not instantly, at least. Isn't that why the USPS doesn't make postage stamps of people who are alive?

I wonder when Magnet is touring and whether I'll feel better by then.

February 26, 2005


Movable Type sucks. Spam comments suck. Word Press handles all that crap much better.

Life is like a pile of crap. I hate food. I crave it even though I'm not hungry and I can't figure out what it's connected to, because it must be connected to something else, if not the innate human desire to eat. It's not that.

I was happy on Friday afternoon, wandering around Brooklyn in search of Scandinavian foodstuffs. I bought some Norwegian chocolate bars and fish pudding and some middle eastern nougat pieces. All yummy.

However, I ate it all. I didn't meat to eat it all, but I did. Then I just felt disgusted with myself. Friday's caloric consumption was probably astronomical.

Trying to find a safe way to vomit goes nowhere as there is no safe way except when your body really wants to vomit. Oh well. I'm very tempted to buy some ipecac syrup but seeing as I don't even drink coffee or alcohol due to my belief that they're somewhat toxic, buying something to make me throw up seems like a worse idea.

I don't know what I care about. I have friends but unfortunately not enough for me something. That was poorly stated. I care about my friends but even they know we don't hang out much/ever and we're not incredibl close. I don't have an incredibly close friends. I have semi-close friends. It's certainly better than nothing.

I don't want to get married or have kids, nor do I have much hope for the future, so I really don't see the point of living except that it would be sad for kids to die before their parents. I don't want my parents to die or anything but if they were dead it would make the whole "hmm, should I live?" question easier.

There's a society that pushes the idea of voluntary human extinction. Or something. I'm all for that. Not that I'd make other people do it, but if you don't feel like continuing the human race, no harm done. One of the last thing the world needs is another human with my genes.

I want a persimmon but I know my body doesn't need any more persimmons shoved into it. I ate cane sugar today because it was one of the only edible things I had besides fruit. It tasted good. Then I threw it out because I knew I'd eat it if I didn't. Now I wish I still had it. Who the hell eats plain sugar with a spoon? It's not that different from eating honey with a spoon, I want sugar. Or something else. I don't know.

Right now I'm going to live for the concerts happening later this month and the possibility of Magnet concerts in the near future. And more drum practicing.

April 3, 2005

laugh out loud

While in Kimmel Center's student lounge, I could hear a group of students in the adjoining room doing activities and laughing like crazy. I suddenly had the desire to laugh loud and moronically, pushing the laughter over the edge so that it wasn't necessarily authentic but because it sounded so stupid, real laugher would follow and I'd be in a cycle of obnoxious, convulsive over-laughing (and probably getting asthmatic in the process) and normal laughing. It probably wasn't too long ago that I did something like that but I can't recall any recent events that called for such laughing.

A bunch of balloons is floating outside. I wonder where they'll end up. They're floating higher now so I guess the air pressure will eventually pop them. Explosion: what a way to go.

If not for Diana I would have totally forgotten about setting my clock ahead. Damn, one hour of my life taken away. However, it's nice to think that while it's 4:30 PM, I'm looking at a 3:30 sky. ...and another however is that the sky isn't worth looking at as it's shrouded with fog and gray clouds. The future world of smog and death can be yours right now if you live in NYC! This is what I get to walk back to my dorm in: sweet.

If I don't force myself to walk, I don't know how I'd get any exercise. I'm not determined enough about exercising to go to a gym, but I have no problem walking two miles to get a bagel. Yes, today I walked from my dorm in the Financial District to Ess-A-Bagel on 1st Avenue and 21st Street (and before that I stopped into Something Sweet for a "black and white"). I've heard that NYC is famous for bagels yet I never tried one from here. I like bagels but rarely eat them (or any kind of non-sweet baked good) so it was a nice food to revisit. A crispy ring covered with everything (since I got the "everything bagel") with doughy, soft, dense insides equals one happy mouth. I like plain old bread also but the chewiness of bagels makes it more fun to eat; I enjoy chewing as long as it doesn't result in my jaw aching for a day (which is what would happen when I used to eat a lot of raw carrots).

As someone who loves food, I usually can't tell the difference between similar foods from different establishments. Bagels, for instance; I've had them many times before and they generally all taste the same except for toppings. Some people can make distinctions, such as "This place's bagels weren't crispy compared to this other place" or "This bagel was just awful, go to so-and-so instead." My conclusion about Ess-A-Bagel is that I got a huge, delicious bagel for 70 cents from a place where I could actually see the vat from whence bagels are born and the service was friendly. I went there because 1) it's was on the way (actually, it wasn't THAT on the way as I walked about a mile back down to the American Apparel store to meet Diana) and 2) I heard they made the best bagels.

The best of anything is hard to judge of course as everyone has different tastes. I think it's easier to point out whatever places suck, although if a place really sucked then I can't imagine it'd be in business very long. It's more accurate to say something is good, delicious, has a ____ flavor, has okay ____, is friendly to dogs, has an owner who glares at you and wishes you were dead, and so on. But I guess I don't mind when something is labeled "the best" besides that I may be disappointed since hearing such an accolade causes me to walk to it, even if that means walking with a laptop in my backpack for an hour in gloomy weather that turns from "bearable" to "shit, it's raining".

So this rain is the shit. Not sure how else to say it. Okay, how about "This rain makes me want to die and take everyone to Hell with me." Mm, yes. While walking to my dorm last night, the rain became increasingly worse, resulting in the frontsides of my pants to be soaked and for my brain to fill with murderous tendencies. I guess I'm not used enough to this rain to become comfortable with it. Maybe I should move to Manchester. Or Bergen. Or Dumfries.

Ah well, back to writing a very bad essay about Antigone. I'm supposed to have five pages but I only have three and a half. I'm basically filling it with crap at the moment (actually, the whole thing is full of crap) in attempt to reach at least four pages. Sad.

May 1, 2005


Today while walking home from school (well, more like Chinatown since I ate dinner there for the grand sum of $1.90--however, I spent about $11 on brunch) I thought about some friends that I am no longer friends with yet I told personal things to. I guess that would make them secrets. It weirded me out a bit to think that there are people out there with strange bits of into tucked away in their grey matter about ME. They may not remember the things right away but if you poked them in the right place with an electric what-cha-ma-jigger they'd probably bolt upright and be like "YUP, ROBYN LIKES TO EAT BABIES!" or something like that. I do not like to eat babies though. I swear. Um.

So. I'm looking at post secret and picking the ones that are funny. There are plenty of depressing things on this page buuuut I'll glance over them for the moment.

I don't have a lot of secrets, now that I think about it. I have one stupid secret, but it's not a secret. It's just a stupid anecdote.

When I was in 7th grade in Taiwan, my friends and I were sitting in the courtyard of our school. Nearby sat a lonely bowl of butter pecan ice cream. While I'm more of a pig now than I was back then, I ate the ice cream. Or ate some of it. I didn't just pick it up and eat it, I asked my friend if she thought I should eat it. We thought it was funny. A little bit later, an 8th grade girl came over asking if we saw her ice cream.

...uh. Nooo, not at all! The bowl wasn't in view at the time because we put it behind something. I told my friend to throw it out, or rather fractically motioned for her to chuck it. The 8th grader KNEW I ate it, or that we did something with it. She obviously wasn't just inquiring as to where her ice cream was.

I think I was scared of 8th graders when I was in 7th grade. Haha.

The end.

May 26, 2005

oh boy

The problem with life

I don't dislike life enough to kill myself. And I realize that I can't get hit by a car/truck/other automobile unless I go outside. I don't go outside much.

I suppose it's for the best.

My circulation is amazingly poor.

May 27, 2005

the sun's coming up

Just thought you'd like to know.

The "continue reading" link is a bit misleading when I write these ridiculously short entries. I could make up a bunch of filler but I'd rather not.

..and when I see the word "filler" I think of Filler Bunny.

May 28, 2005

What is this for?

I haven't figured out what this blog is for. I already document my other two obsessions rather well (a little too well), leaving this this blog, period. I used to write daily in a paper journal until blogs took over my brain and I forgot how to hold a pencil.

Obviously more happens in my life than just music and food. For the past few days I've been making Poofy plush dolls in preparation for the MoCCA Art Festival (god knows if anyone will actually buy them). Since I don't like to sit around sewing without doing anything else, I watched the entire series of The Office (the entirety only spanning two seasons) as the DVD had been sitting by the TV for a long time, largely unwatched. (My brother is the DVD buyer in the family and he told me he has only watched one episode so far, or perhaps less than that. Euh. Alright.) The first episode was a bit "eh" to me but I guess I wasn't used to the show for a few reasons: 1) it's a fake but believable documentary and 2) it's British. After the first episode I found that I loved the whole series (it didn't hurt that I watched the episodes non-stop), although my hatred for David grew steadily. You're not supposed to hate David, so that made me feel kind of bad. I did love Martin Freeman as Tim though...probably a good thing I already saw Hitchiker's Guide or else I'd see Arthur and think, "It's TIM!"

So why did I like the show so much? Sometimes it was overly awkward but real life is awkward. Although I hope not that awkward (good lord, I hope to never find myself working in an office like that). There was no cheesy background music, gags weren't too obvious, and the love story wasn't sickening. I'm just frightened thinking that people like David and Gareth (and most annoying people than them) exist in the world.

On a totally different note, I'm not sure how much of a web designer I am (that's partially a, wait, I'm not really sure) but this article about skills of a web designer is eye-opening as it shows me HOW MANY SKILLS I LACK. OOH YEAH! I have a feeling I will never possess the programming skill, or when I do attain it I'll be dead beacuse I'll have smashed my head into a computer. Or jumped out a window. I'm not particularly good at communicating (or listening) and I don't know about the patience or adaptability things. I'm most interested in information architecture (need to work on it, at least), visual design, and web development. I have a long way to go but I am still young and maybe I have my health...(stomach gurgles)

June 6, 2005

Legs feel like jello

Yesterday I took a massive walking tour across the Williamsburg Bridge and around Williamsburg, accompanied by Alex, in order to see Sondre Lerche play to a coffeehouse of sweaty fans . The absence of the L train was a blessing in disguise, as my suburban body was crying out for some form of physical activity and I figured, “Hey, we can WALK over that bridge!” It looks impossibly long but only takes about 30-40 minutes to walk, which isn’t bad at all. Not having been to Williamsburg many times (I’ve primarily seen it in the moonlight), I was surprised by how nice it was. Too bad that niceness translates to “You will never live here”. It reminds me of Ridgewood, the coolest town (er, village) near me, but with a younger crowd. After seeing Sondre, we headed back over the bridge and walked to Chinatown to eat Vietnamese food and ice cream (I got sorbet; still on that “no dairy” thing, ye know).

What a lovely day. If only every day could be like that, I would feel less like a big useless blob that sits around all day in front of her laptop; I’d be a big useless blob that walks around and eats!

Seriously, being a useless untalented student is getting to me. I read about all the great things other people have done, whether because of their studies, hobbies or acts of good will, and wonder if I’ll ever do great things. I’d be better off focusing my energy on actually doing great things instead of wondering whether I’m going to do them, but if I did that then I wouldn’t be in this situation. Sitting my bum. Being useless.

Of course, not everyone is meant to do “great things”. Should I be content with a mediocre life? One of my friends said I need to be surrounded by more inspirational people. I know plenty of cool people online but as for a constant presence, there isn’t anyone. My family isn’t much of a source of anything; my mum seems to have given up on life getting any better, which greatly depresses me. If I were more determined, I’d find a job, save money, and move out of my house/the suburbs right away, but if I were determined…

Ah, being totally random. Mind splodge. I’m not a sad person, just not a person with a lust for life.

Today I played my drums for the first time in ages (months, perhaps) and it was refreshingly fun. It would’ve been better if my mum wasn’t in the room; I’m too self-conscious. I know she doesn’t care how I play but I’m generall bad at doing anything musical around people, the exception being when I played clarinet in wind ensemble. I guess the problem is when I play by myself and every mistake is painfully obvious. I know I’d practice better if I were alone. You can see why I’d never be in a real band, eh? How many people do you know who like playing the drum kit but aren’t making any progress towards being in a band?

I’m strange.

Lastly, I’m in the process of redo-ing Most of the site doesn’t work yet but hopefully that’ll change, or else I’ll have wasted a lot of time.

June 25, 2005

a new camera?

mm, cupcakes

I didn't eat those cupcakes, but they sure look tasty.

First off, I need a new camera. Actually, I "need" a camera about as badly as I need any kind of electronic gadget (as in, not at all). How can I think of buying a new camera when every single day, 30,000 children are dying as a result of extreme poverty? (I'm not trying to make light of poverty, but it happened to be on my mind. And considering all the eating I've done today, it's probably not such a good thing to mention.) Many people have said that they like my food photos (thank you) but did you know that I have to photoshop EVERY photo I take? Every. One. Levels and contrast are usually pretty bad and colors can be horrendous. While looking around flickr, I've noticed many excellent quality photos that I know haven't been photoshopped, all taken with Canon cameras. My camera is a Sony DSCP72, which I thought was a pretty good camera for its cost and size until my friend told me it wasn't. Actually, I still thought it wasn't bad after he said that, and in general it isn't a "bad" camera, but the main reason I got it (and why my previous camera was also a Sony) is because my mum has a Sony credit card and it was cheaper (or perhaps free) to buy. Even if I were actually a good photographer, it wouldn't matter because my camera churns out not so great photos. I can't effectively portray the deliciousness of those cupcakes and THAT PAINS ME.

Oh well. I suppose I need around $300 to get a new camera and while I do have that much money to spare, I've been in debt since last summer (in debt to my mum). So technically...I don't. I've made around $1000 this summer so far, but I stuck a chunk of that into my paypal account and the other chunk into my savings. My savings could pay off the money that I owe my mum, but I want to leave the money in the bank since interest actually builds up after a while (no, not craploads, but I "made" $10 in the past year by letting my money sit in a bank; not too shabby, and there wasn't a whole lot in there to begin with).

I feel so spoiled talking about things I want to buy, especially expensive things. For god's sake, I got a new laptop this summer and I didn't have to pay for it! If I want a new camera, I should pay for it.

...of course, if I really wanted to make money I'd find a random job and not spend all my time blogging. I am very, very lucky to have what I have, with the exception of living in the suburbs.

...nevermind. I think I just came to the conclusion that I shouldn't buy a new camera yet. My camera now makes a weird whirring sound when I turn it off and half the time is completely out of focus when I turn it on, but that's still better than having no camera at all.

July 18, 2005

Harry Potter

Finishing a Harry Potter book always fills me with sadness. "It's over! WHY? No! But I just had 100 more pages to go! I think. Dammit!" I wonder what I'll feel like when the last book comes out. Suicidal?

Alright, I'm not that obsessed. I didn't go to any midnight parties, opting to nonchalantly pick up the book on Saturday afternoon at B&N. I started reading it around 9 PM, read into the night, slept, and finished it the following afternoon. Even though I didn't love it as much as the previous books (even though it's more than 600 pages long, I felt like it had a big "TO BE CONTINUED" slapped on the end, making me twitchy having to wait for the next one), I still loved it. I guess I shouldn't talk much about it, in the off chance that you haven't read it yet (and why is that?) it. If you like Harry Potter, that is. In which case, you wouldn't need anyone to tell you to read it.

I first read Harry Potter about six years ago. My mum and I were shopping at BJs and she picked up the second Harry Potter book. "I heard this was good, want to read it?" I unenthusiastically agreed, all the while thinking "What the heck is Harry Potter?" Judging from the cover illustration, I would've thought it was too kiddie if it weren't so hefty. I started reading it that night and was amazed by how much I loved it. I know it's not the most amazing literary series for kids in the history of all literature, but it's definitely my favorite. I think it has to do with the combination of the magical and non-magical worlds as I'm not usually into fantasy stories (those involving magic/witches/wizards; I'm a fan of some science fiction, which would also be "fantasy" but it's a little different, eh?). I've tried reading "Lord of the Rings" and "The Hobbit", both of which resulted in me blanking out and never finishing them.

I don't read enough novels. (sigh) For whatever reason, I've never been that interested in adult novels. All my favorite authors write for children or young adults; do I refuse to grow up? I've been forced to read many books in school of course, and none of them left much impract on me except for the ones I got to choose (in 9th grade I got to read a Arther C. Clarke book, and even though I haven't read many of his books I'd say he's one of my favorite authors). Most of the books I read for adults are non-fiction and food related (not surprising). Last night before going to bed I was reading Chocolate Bar and I don't even bake! AHH!

...anyway, I think I'll re-read the 5th Harry Potter book. I need to refresh my memory. After that, maybe I'll read the 6th one again.

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