I decided to take the 9PM bus back to NYC after a less than enjoable day of not doing much beyond sitting on my bum in front of my laptop and eating calorically dense and nutrionally sparse foodstuffs. I felt awful mindless eating the "artisan" chocolate chips (I'm not sure how to refer to them as they're not of any brand but come from a local French chocolate shop) that had been in the fridge for months in addition to some chocolate covered almonds from La Maison du Chocolat that my mum forgot she still had. How one forgets she has French chocolate covered almonds is mindboggling, but then again...I'm weird.
(That wasn't much of a "then again".)
While on the bus listening to The Innocence Mission I drew pictures in my head of trees and swirls as Karen Peris softly sang about ...well, not trees and swirls, yet that's what I thought of. I'd draw them on paper but they would look disappointing compared to what I had imagined. My hands aren't capable of reproducing the images in my head (which aren't that impressive or creative to begin with).
By the time I got to the Port Authority Terminal I started feeling woozy and staring out the window on the A train with the tiles of the station walls whizzing by didn't help. All the shit I ate today culminated in a semi-nauseous Robyn, "semi" because I never felt bad enough to throw up but I couldn't help but hover over the toilet when I got to my dorm. Of course, nothing happened, so I retreated to my bed and huddled under my sheet. Every so often a rippling would course through my stomach.
I don't know what to do about my food issue, whatever the issue is. All I know is that it makes me cry sometimes, happy other times, and suicidal every now and then. Right now I'm not crying or suicidal, so all is well. However, I ate cooked food Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which doesn't leave any more "fooding" days for the rest of the week, this week being my vacation. Oh well. Not sure what to do about that. I cried today thinking about having to write a review for a Japanese supermarket for my food communications class. I already wrote one for last week's class but my teacher decided it was too far from campus and that I should visit another one that's closer. No biggie, right? Yes, it's no big deal for most people but it took me hours to write that first review (then again, that's because I'm stupid and slow) and I'm one of the last people that should ever go grocery shopping. My plan is to not bring my wallet with me to make sure I don't buy anything but it's depressing that I can't even enjoy going to a Japanese supermarket. I cried because I don't want to do the assignment, which will probably take me ages if I want to write it well, and I don't want to be surrounded by food that I'll want to eat but shouldn't eat.
I always feel fat. I know I'm overreacting as I'm not obese but I can't help it. I wish I could refrain from eating altogether but as I have to be in suitable standing-for-hours condition in order to attend Tuesday's Doves concert I'll probably have to eat something. If I had no plans I could probably stay in my dorm for a few days living off of books. Damn concerts.
I started reading Untangling My Chopsticks, a book I'd highly recommend to anyone who likes Japanese food or Japan. Before I tried veganism and raw foodism, Japanese food was my favorite. In particular, my favorite dishes were unajyu (grilled eel), tonkatsu (fried pork) and curry (I like sushi too but nowhere near as much as the aforementioned dishes...except eel sushi). Eel was really the best though and always my first choice at any Japanese restaurant. Sadly, I almost completely forgot about my penchant for Japanese food until reading this book. Since ending my raw food diet and living in NYC I've mainly been eating Chinese food, probably because I live by Chinatown and it's cheap. I tend to gravitate towards Asian food anyway but the difference between Japanese food and Chinese food (and culture in general from what I gather) is so vast....I ought to get back into eating Japanese food.
Then again, I have to stop eating so much. So maybe not. (sigh) I got the idea of eating unajyu while reading the book and was excited but I don't feel like I should. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything, actually. I'm under the impression that I don't deserve to live, which might make me suicidal but not in a normal sense (what is a "normal" sense of suicide?). I just don't see the point of living, or rather I don't think think I have any point in living. I don't see how my life is going to go anywhere with my continuing dislike towards school (which isn't reasonable at all) and lack of interest in human relations, two things that seem pretty important in life. Oh well.
I digressed.
I don't know much about Chinese culture but my overall idea of it is that it's not that great. It's a broad generalization; there's something great about all civilizations, I hope. It's just that when I look at the pieces of Japanese culture I have access to compared to Chinese culture, there are a lot of Japanese things that I like while there isn't much about Chinese culture that I appreciate besides steamed buns. Yup, that's it. STEAMED BUNS. I haven't even eaten a steamed bun in months. Oh well, I guess a lot of Americans don't like American culture so it's no big deal if I don't like Chinese culture.
It makes me sad that I'm not proud of my heritage, but I don't know a lot about it. I can't say I ever had to learn about Chinese stuff in school and I've never been to China. My parents are from Taiwan, which I guess isn't like China but it's more accurate to say I'm Chinese than Taiwanese, right? ...actually, I don't know. If you're Taiwanese (and came from China, not indigenous Taiwanese) then you're also Chinese but being Chinese obviously doesn't mean you're Taiwanese. I'm just blabbing here without any central idea.
After writing this entry I've come to the conclusion that I have too much time. And I suck. And I still don't want to go to the Japanese grocery store.