I don't know why I have this website. Just a way for me to take up more real estate on the Internet, perhaps. And I don't have much to say except I've possibly never felt so hopeless in my life. The only upside is that in the future I will probably feel more hopeless. I'm a bit young for this to be the most hopeless time of my entirely lifespan, but this is the oldest I am at...this point in life. I'm not making sense at this point.
I ate honey today. And water. I need the honey to drink the water or I'd probably forget to drink. I think I'm saving a lot of money on food. Ha ha.
My pants don't fit well.
I'm so shy I can't even cry properly when I'm alone in my room. I had the fear of my roommate coming back at any moment so I shoved my head into a towel. A towel that was nearly fresh out of the dryer. Kind of nice. But not. Crying triggered by stupid self centered thoughts isn't good.
Thinking about all the suffering in the world doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Things will always be worse. Does that mean I should be happier about where I am? Probably. And since it doesn't actually make me feel any happier, I feel worse.
I've come to the conclusion that I really can't do anything I enjoy in my future. I mean, hobbies and such aren't reasonable endeavours. I practiced guitar today. That was nice. But I still suck. I don't know how the Kings of Convenience do it. Norwegian air? Websites suck. Comics very much suck.
I absorb other people's words too easily. No matter what I'll never believe I'm actually that smart or talented. I don't know why but my mum thinks it has something to do with my dad's lack of fathering when I was little. That sounds like psychobabble to me. I think I would've ended up the same if my dad were always around. I think I'm doomed.
At this point I feel like the only point to being alive is to not disappoint my parents too much. They brought me into the world. I didn't want to be born. Since they wanted me, I could at the very least make them feel better about having a daughter. Pass college even if I hate it, find a place to live, not get murdered on the Lower East Side like that woman last month. Yay. I'm not going to do well in college anyway seeing as how I'm a food studies major and I'm afraid of food right now, hence the honey and water. I'll probably be afraid of honey too.
...or it's not that I'm afraid of food, I just don't want to eat it. It all sickens me. Other people can eat it but I can't. Why? Because. I know I'm relatively healthy but I hate that I gained more than 20 pounds when I started eating cooked food. I guess eating raw honey makes me a raw foodist again. Haha. Ha.
Food is probably masking some other problem that I can't identify.
I can't write this paper about Jesus and parables and money and stuff I don't know. My mum said I can just make up stuff since it's my interpretation but I'm not even good at making up stuff. And I can't make up stuff about something I barely know anything about, like the Bible. And I don't care. This class makes me feel stupid, which is a pretty bad feeling. It's not the worst feeling in the world but the feeling will constantly plague me as long as i have to go to school. I haven't gotten the impression that over the years i've gotten any smarter. I guess I've gained something but I don't know what. My self esteem is at an all time low.
Tomorrow I just want to stay in my room all day and...well, do my homework out of neccessity, not because I want to. My mum said I could see a psychologist on campus since, hey, we're already paying for it, but I don't want to. Nor do I really want to talk to anyone, thus no IM-ing, no cell phone. Don't e-mail me. I know one person e-mailed me, I have to reply to that.
I just had this morbid idea that if I killed myself then at the very least I wouldn't be able to disappoint people in the future. Thankfully I know that it's a stupid idea. I wouldn't kill myself. Not instantly, at least. Isn't that why the USPS doesn't make postage stamps of people who are alive?
I wonder when Magnet is touring and whether I'll feel better by then.