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February 2005 Archives

February 1, 2005

pain

I'm in a fairly good mood (besides that I have to pee, but I feel like I can hold it a bit longer). I'm reading an interesting essay entitled "pain" (yes, lowercase p) assigned for my "Writing the Essay" class from Mercer Street, an NYU-published book of essays from the school's expository writing program. It's about...well, pain. Instead of confusing me like my last assignment (which my teacher said was the hardest essay we'd have to read all year...thank god, philosphy irks me) this essay made me think. Or mull over things. Think may imply some meaningful thought, which...probably isn't going on.

The emotional component of pain doesn't necessarily lie in the realm of science. It is characterized primarily by raw human experience for which there is no technological equivalent.

I guess it speaks to me in light of recent events, some of which I'm barred from speaking about at the moment, but you'll hear about it sooner or later this year. Overall I guess I haven't had that many bad experiences in my life. I can think of...one. Two. TWO. At least two. I mean, two experiences that were really scary or depressing because of emotional things. Don't worry, if you're reading this it probably had nothing to do with you. The thing is that one was resolved while the other wasn't. Oh well, no biggie.

I don't want to think about all the bad things that have happened to me, do I? Haha! No way. For now I'll think about...something else.

Oh, updated beck beck beck with new stuff. The E-Pro video is so...weird...I have to watch it again. It's surreal. I'm not even going to describe it. One thing I will say is that Shynola did it and it looks like...something they'd do, if that means anything. Not really. Anyhoo! I still have to pee.

February 6, 2005

oh well

I'm really glad I'm not deaf or else I wouldn't be able to listen to music. I could feel it if I were deaf, I guess, but I need music in the same way that some people need television. Or heroin.

My weekend has been uneventful but I had an awsome Friday. All around good from start to finish. Diana slept over the night before and we woke up nice and early. I went to the library to do a bit of studying (which didn't get very far) and then met up with Mimi for lunching. We ate at Montien, which we had never seen before but it was surprisingly good. Always nice to discover yummy places. Then we played...pool. I've never been inside a pool hall before but there are a few around NYU and Mimi goes to them somewhat frequently (somewhat frequently meaning more than once). While I beat her in the first game, I completely sucked after that. There is such a thing as beginner's luck. Of course, what I really wanted was ice cream so we headed to Ben & Jerry's for some milkshakes, making that the second time I've ever had a milkshake. The verdict: I'd much rather eat ice cream than drink it, but I got to use a spoon to scoopy up the chocolate chip and slivered almond dregs at the bottom of my cup, which was the best part (besides drinking a few hundred calories).

And then...afternoon came. Actually, it was already afternoon by the time I was shooting pool (very badly) and slurping a shake, but the funness of Friday was meeting Arthur, a guy I met on 15 megs of fame (I'm there, although I'd rather not make it too easy for you to find me since I don't update it anymore and the songs are shitty; I recommend Levy for being awesome and Arthur for being awesome). I met him outside where he works in Midtown at around 6 PM and then we went to his place in the Bronx (or just plain Bronx?).

Okay, that sounds sketchy but I'd like to believe I have good judgement. Last year I met four Internet friends and they were all awesome, as in "I can't imagine my life without you" awesome. I'm very lucky to meet so many cool people online. To sum up, one was from New Zealand (but I met her in London), another from Florida, another from Virginia, and another from New Jersey. And now I met someone from...NYC! Woo. And my best friend, Diana, started off as an Internet friend way back in 1998.

So of course, Arthur is totally cool and is one of the coolest people I have ever met. We decided to meet up because he has a drum set and...hey, I play drums! It was my first time playing drums with someone else who played guitar and I'm not sure how else to say how cool it was besides IT WAS SO COOL! We all have silly dreams and one of mine (for years) is to play in a band. So right now it seems like I'm in a two person band. Hey, it works. I kind of suck at the drums but it's one of those things you don't forget if you've done it once and you can still move your arms and legs. Arthur has a crapload of guitars, which I didn't know so I brought my acoustic with me. The music room needs some decorations, maybe I can take care of that...

And after mucking around and playing junk, we just hung out, listened to music, talked...about what I don't know but it was interesting. I didn't have to feign interest like in every conversation I have with my roommate at least (it's unfortunate but true). It's amazing that someone as shy as me can find someone that just makes me feel at ease. Anyhoo, Arthur is a wickedly good artist and his music could go somewhere...and jesus, I feel inadequate.

So even though it took me an hour or more to get home on the subway, partially because I'm a dumbass and forgot that the 2 train goes to m stop, I had a great night and a new happiness for the human race, even though a lot of it seems to be going to shit (couldn't think of another appropriate word). My life is getting a bit weird, but I can't say much about it now until things are move final. Don't worry, it's nothing life threatening. Life changing, for better or worse.

Still don't like school. I feel like I'm wasting my time not doing things I really want to do. People ask me what I want to do...well, web stuff, comic stuff, stuffed animal stuff, design stuff, music stuff. I think I have a lot of choices, although web stuff is probably the most productive thing. I'd have to learn a million other website related languages though to do that...I think. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. As much as I dislike my designs, I know they're better than some stuff out there that people actually get paid for, but my skills are inadequate in most work environments because I just don't know enough. I guess people don't want webmasters who only know html, css, some bits about web standards, and photoshop. Without flash, I'm nothing. Which is crap.

Oh well. Ranty. I dislike school, but I like life besides school. Kings of Convenience show on Monday should do some spirit uplifting things and I'm looking forward to March to see Doves and Levy.

Music saves me, as usual.

From Unconscious Mutterings:

  1. Shelter :: house
  2. Karate Kid :: movie
  3. Andrew :: I don't know anyone named Andrew
  4. Rib :: cage
  5. Push it :: out
  6. Creep :: Radiohead
  7. Chainlink :: fence
  8. Squash :: soup
  9. No mercy :: clothing?
  10. Superhero :: superman

February 12, 2005

shouldn't be blogging

I don't know why I have this website. Just a way for me to take up more real estate on the Internet, perhaps. And I don't have much to say except I've possibly never felt so hopeless in my life. The only upside is that in the future I will probably feel more hopeless. I'm a bit young for this to be the most hopeless time of my entirely lifespan, but this is the oldest I am at...this point in life. I'm not making sense at this point.

I ate honey today. And water. I need the honey to drink the water or I'd probably forget to drink. I think I'm saving a lot of money on food. Ha ha.

My pants don't fit well.

I'm so shy I can't even cry properly when I'm alone in my room. I had the fear of my roommate coming back at any moment so I shoved my head into a towel. A towel that was nearly fresh out of the dryer. Kind of nice. But not. Crying triggered by stupid self centered thoughts isn't good.

Thinking about all the suffering in the world doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Things will always be worse. Does that mean I should be happier about where I am? Probably. And since it doesn't actually make me feel any happier, I feel worse.

I've come to the conclusion that I really can't do anything I enjoy in my future. I mean, hobbies and such aren't reasonable endeavours. I practiced guitar today. That was nice. But I still suck. I don't know how the Kings of Convenience do it. Norwegian air? Websites suck. Comics very much suck.

I absorb other people's words too easily. No matter what I'll never believe I'm actually that smart or talented. I don't know why but my mum thinks it has something to do with my dad's lack of fathering when I was little. That sounds like psychobabble to me. I think I would've ended up the same if my dad were always around. I think I'm doomed.

At this point I feel like the only point to being alive is to not disappoint my parents too much. They brought me into the world. I didn't want to be born. Since they wanted me, I could at the very least make them feel better about having a daughter. Pass college even if I hate it, find a place to live, not get murdered on the Lower East Side like that woman last month. Yay. I'm not going to do well in college anyway seeing as how I'm a food studies major and I'm afraid of food right now, hence the honey and water. I'll probably be afraid of honey too.

...or it's not that I'm afraid of food, I just don't want to eat it. It all sickens me. Other people can eat it but I can't. Why? Because. I know I'm relatively healthy but I hate that I gained more than 20 pounds when I started eating cooked food. I guess eating raw honey makes me a raw foodist again. Haha. Ha.

Food is probably masking some other problem that I can't identify.

I can't write this paper about Jesus and parables and money and stuff I don't know. My mum said I can just make up stuff since it's my interpretation but I'm not even good at making up stuff. And I can't make up stuff about something I barely know anything about, like the Bible. And I don't care. This class makes me feel stupid, which is a pretty bad feeling. It's not the worst feeling in the world but the feeling will constantly plague me as long as i have to go to school. I haven't gotten the impression that over the years i've gotten any smarter. I guess I've gained something but I don't know what. My self esteem is at an all time low.

Tomorrow I just want to stay in my room all day and...well, do my homework out of neccessity, not because I want to. My mum said I could see a psychologist on campus since, hey, we're already paying for it, but I don't want to. Nor do I really want to talk to anyone, thus no IM-ing, no cell phone. Don't e-mail me. I know one person e-mailed me, I have to reply to that.

I just had this morbid idea that if I killed myself then at the very least I wouldn't be able to disappoint people in the future. Thankfully I know that it's a stupid idea. I wouldn't kill myself. Not instantly, at least. Isn't that why the USPS doesn't make postage stamps of people who are alive?

I wonder when Magnet is touring and whether I'll feel better by then.

February 19, 2005

wow, doing things

And a week later, I am back. Back and feeling better than I did a week ago but still confused about things. I mean...confused about life. I still don't know what to do but I'm still unhealthily obsessed with food in some way or another and am probably the last person that should be majoring in food studies. On Thursday my communications/journalism teacher took the class out for lunch to practice our writing and I really didn't want to go. I'm glad I DID go because I got to talk to my teacher about my frustrations and it made me feel marginally better, but it disturbs me that the idea of eating out with my classmates (who are all cool) made me feel uncomfortable. I'm socially regressing, if that's even possible.

But! But. I hung out with Arthur for more music practicing stuff. I suck at drums but I think it's a good place for me. Kind of. I mean, I enjoy doing it and it's easier than playing guitar and singing. :) We also watched the funniest episode of Angel in the entire history of everything called Smile Time. I've never actually watched a full episode of Angel before but nothing, NOTHING will ever compare to that one. I can't even describe it; you have to watch it. Okay, ANGEL TURNS INTO A PUPPET AND IT'S THE FUNNIEST THING EVER. God yes.

When Arthur told me his parents had a bowl of bite-sized chocolates something inside me cried. CHOCS. Oh, you need some backstory: yesterday I went chocolate hunting with my mum. We hit La Maison du Chocolat on 70-something St and Richart off 5th Ave after strolling through central park to see The Gates:

The Gates

My mum wasn't that impressed at first but ended up buying some merchandise. I thought they were nice. They were larger than I thought they'd be and even though it looks kinda boring in photos it's cooler when you're actually there...ish.

After the chocolat hunting I've become a chocolate craving maniac. MANIAC. I ate five mini chocs in record time! And I wanted more. I dragged Arthur with me down from the Bronx to Wholesome Market near Union Square, my choice location for grocery shopping because they have organic/good stuff at good prices and give a 10% student discount. I bought celery, hummus, and Sundrops (like uncrappy M&Ms) for dinner. I'm still hungry. :(

I had a lovely time seeing Emiliana Torrini perform tonight at the Used Book Cafe (more at the music blog):

Emiliana Torrini at Housing Works Used Book Cafe

Makes me wish I could write songs like hers. I need Fisherman's Woman. Giimmeeee.

February 26, 2005

hi.

Movable Type sucks. Spam comments suck. Word Press handles all that crap much better.

Life is like a pile of crap. I hate food. I crave it even though I'm not hungry and I can't figure out what it's connected to, because it must be connected to something else, if not the innate human desire to eat. It's not that.

I was happy on Friday afternoon, wandering around Brooklyn in search of Scandinavian foodstuffs. I bought some Norwegian chocolate bars and fish pudding and some middle eastern nougat pieces. All yummy.

However, I ate it all. I didn't meat to eat it all, but I did. Then I just felt disgusted with myself. Friday's caloric consumption was probably astronomical.

Trying to find a safe way to vomit goes nowhere as there is no safe way except when your body really wants to vomit. Oh well. I'm very tempted to buy some ipecac syrup but seeing as I don't even drink coffee or alcohol due to my belief that they're somewhat toxic, buying something to make me throw up seems like a worse idea.

I don't know what I care about. I have friends but unfortunately not enough for me to...care...about something. That was poorly stated. I care about my friends but even they know we don't hang out much/ever and we're not incredibl close. I don't have an incredibly close friends. I have semi-close friends. It's certainly better than nothing.

I don't want to get married or have kids, nor do I have much hope for the future, so I really don't see the point of living except that it would be sad for kids to die before their parents. I don't want my parents to die or anything but if they were dead it would make the whole "hmm, should I live?" question easier.

There's a society that pushes the idea of voluntary human extinction. Or something. I'm all for that. Not that I'd make other people do it, but if you don't feel like continuing the human race, no harm done. One of the last thing the world needs is another human with my genes.

I want a persimmon but I know my body doesn't need any more persimmons shoved into it. I ate cane sugar today because it was one of the only edible things I had besides fruit. It tasted good. Then I threw it out because I knew I'd eat it if I didn't. Now I wish I still had it. Who the hell eats plain sugar with a spoon? It's not that different from eating honey with a spoon but...man, I want sugar. Or something else. I don't know.

Right now I'm going to live for the concerts happening later this month and the possibility of Magnet concerts in the near future. And more drum practicing.

About February 2005

This page contains all entries posted to roboppy.net in February 2005. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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