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Eating dinner while reading the food and drink section of the latest NY Press may not have been one of my best ideas. As you probably know, my brain is 50% air (or possibly jello) and the other 50% is obsessed with food. As for the 0% dedicated towards other things, like respiratory function and walking, well...I can't explain everything.

My diet for the past two weeks or so has been sans meat, dairy, and grains. Almost soy free too except one day when I ate something that had soy cheese in it. Today was my first day without any nuts as well, except for the day I only ate three apples all day (resulting in some weird apple/fasting hangover the next morning). I feel fine physically but mentally I feel like I'm missing out on a lot, ie, great little restaunts of which there are 5.2 gazillion of in the city. It aches me to read about numerous dumpling places. Dumplings = ooh yes. I don't know if I'm more attached to them because I'm Chinese but obviously craploads of non-Asians like dumplings. Actually, how could you NOT like dumplings? It's unthinkable.

Anyhow, way back when (as in more than two years ago) my mum and I used to make our own dumplings together. Much fun was had. They probably wouldn't have garnered any attention in a restaurant but food tastes better mentally after putting all that work into making them. We usually used pre-made wrappers but once we made them from scratch. Didn't come out as great as we would have liked (hell-o malformed dumplings!) but those were good too.

I digressed a bit there. Anyhoo, haven't made dumplings or anything of any culinary expertise (not that chopping a bunch of ingredients, food processing them, and putting them in little wrappers is difficult) in ages. For the past five days I've been steaming veggies, which to me might be easier than using a microwave. When I used to use microwaves (two or more years ago) it was hard to get my food the right temperature. I'd usually end up with some ridiculously hot dish that would cool off too quickly (dude, microwaves aren't good). Steaming is so easy; five minutes starting from the point that I turn on the stove is all it takes to steam my broccoli and green beans.

So that's what I've been eating for the past five days. Broccoli. Had some bok choy as well. Also threw in some green beans because I love them. I have no seasoning besides oil, so I've been eating steamed veggies and oil. Oh, of course I've been eating copious amounts of fruit, way too much but it's better than overeating bread (which I would be prone to doing if I weren't afraid of eating bread now, as it seems to trigger my asthma). I had a pound of almonds that I bought on Sunday but finished it in 4 days. I overeat nuts very easily, which is much more dangerous than overeating fruit, so I'm cutting it out. For now, at least.

Here's what I've eaten today (so far):

• 9 plums
• 4 persimmons
• 2 heads of broccoli
• 1-2 cups of green string beans

Yup. It's a lot of fruit. I'd eat more than 9 plums but that's all I had. Persimmons are absolutely delicious. I like them most when they're not ripe yet...crunchy and easy to peel with a knife. If they're too mushy to be peeled with a knife, that's fine too. The worst is when they're halfway crunchy and mushy so peeling them with a knife gets your hands all covered with persimmon goo and...it's not as good. But that's a personal preference. I spent $5 today on persimmons and plums for the day's total food expense.

I'm getting more obsessed with restricting my diet (because so many foods seem to give me gas beyond what I think any human should have to endure and skin eruptions and ...well, it's not cool) while at the same time reading about restaurants and such filled with food I can't really eat. I'm not deathly allergic to anything but giving in to any small treat would seem pointless. It would be such a fleeting happiness. I almost equate food to illicit drugs; to me, a lot of it is addictive (I can give it up easily though, in a way) and bad for my health. While walking through Chinatown I wanted to die seeing all the people with their moon cakes and passing by dumpling houses and stalls selling rice flour buns.

I need the restriction because otherwise I'd give into all those temptations. It's true. There are a lot of things I may not know about myself but some things I DO know are that I can eat a ridiculous amount of food and without restruction I can give into desires for chocolate, cake, cookies, pudding, etc. I haven't eaten any of those foods in weeks but you should've seen me when I first started eating cooked food (oh, 15 pounds ago). Crazy bakery raiding, many cookies lost lives, that kind of thing.

I guess it would make sense to just change my habits and not eat so much but for some reason it's easier for me to completely cut out some than to just eat a little bit of it. I tell people any food in moderation is basically okay. I can't do moderation. People may find the idea of overeating fruit funny, but I've done it. I'm doing it today, at least. Something I know about myself is that I feel a lot better if i don't eat lots of food, but I do it anyway. I just have to control what foods I eat.

God, I hate this.

...um. So on a happier note, Magnet is going to play some dates in NYC! If I were in Vassar I'd have to get my bum on a train down here. So thank god I'm already here. Anyhoo, buy his album if you don't already have it, mm kay? Good. This is all I have to look forward to, but it's a lot better than...nothing.

Okay, I don't have NOTHING to look forward to. I'm going to the Creativity Now conference this weekend. Stag. Not that you need to go to something that only requires sitting with other people. I might meet up with an Internet friend though, which would be cool. Sunday night is the Franz Ferdinand concert at which the Delays are NOT playing, I am all sad. FF is nice and all (just got their album yesterday and am listening to it now) but I really like the Delays. I've never been to a bad concert though, should be fun!

I have school work, but I tend to ignore it. Doh.

And as for school, I've been thinking about what I'm doing. Or what I want to do with life, which is what everyone thinks about but eh. Is food studies right for me? Is COLLEGE right for me? I guess I have no choice about college but I don't know if there's something I have a great passion for. If there is, I should pursue that. Screw everything else. I enjoy learning about nutrition but I have all these ideas about it that seem to conflict with popular ideas. Having so many little health problems myself, I don't think I'd make a good nutritionist. And then I have all these food issues that plague me every day. Being a semi-cooked food eater is almost worse than being a raw foodist.

I don't know what I have a passion for. The things I like don't see like things I can do for a living. Or I can screw all my food hangups and open a pudding shop. Or write comics like I should. Or design more buttons. Or learn more about making websites so I can do that and actually feel competant.

I don't know. I'm not using my resources to my best advantage and I'm lazy. I could be worse, but...I don't know. Not being able to find one's place is irritating.