The title is self explanatory. I've decided the only way for me to stop eating is to either become an anorexic or have someone pay me to stop eating. It's more likely someone would pay me to stop eating than for me to become anorexic, so don't worry about that. It's just OUTTA CONTROL! ARRGH! I'm not hungry now but I'm thinking of eating dumplings. What kind of weird foodie disorder do I have? I knew I was in trouble when I tried on a pair of pants I haven't worn in months; I barely fit into it and it's too uncomfortable to wear. Last year it was loose. Yes...loose. That pair of pants used to be tight before I lost all that weight about 1.5-2 years ago. Did I just screw myself over? Probably. I hate how I can't stop thinking about food and how I'm blowing it all out of proportions compared to real problems in the world. Like hey, at least I'm not pregnant or a coke-head or afflicted with AIDs (some people probably have all three...good lord, that's scary) but I can't stop thinking: what's in mah INTESTINES? I should think about how my intestines are totally clogged with junk right now but it's not working...
So I'm trying to weigh the physical crapness against the mental crapness. I wasn't really depressed as a raw foodist but maybe I was able to bury all the stress deeeep down when I hung around people eating cooked food. Telling people it didn't bother me was a lie. It must've been. But I didn't notice it so much. At least I felt lighter because I was lighter. And now I've got physical and mental crapness, but I was really happy initially...before feeling preggers (I like the word "preggers" and shall use it whenever I can).
Sorry I am ranting so much about this stupid stuff. I'd have to be really sick to stop eating and I haven't hit that point yet. It just bothers me when friends say, "Robyn, food is good, don't be afraid of food, you should eat food," and then later go, "Robyn, stop...you're crazy." Today my mum said maybe I should just be afraid of food. I have to pick my poison. So yeah. I'm considering it.
Anyhoo, I am at home now! No more Vassar for me. It's kind of sad, but I had a great time this summer. I forgot to thank Ken...aah! Okay, I shall do that. He got me a job in the second semester and "made" me work during the summer. I'm forever grateful. I said goodbye to everyone and did a lot of hugging before heading back to Jersey. It's weird to think that I might never see Jeremy again, but I'm sure I'll see Anna and other MSSI people who don't have websites sometime. And my mum would like to go back to the Poughkeepsie area to stop by Babycakes and the Culinary Institute. Mm.
Yesterday I brought my mum to Babycakes and we ate yumyum stuff. I had a delicious waffle covered with whipped cream and something like vanilla pudding and my mum had a mozzerella and pesto sandwich. We also bought lots of pastries to bring home (which by now have all been eaten). I got an ice cream cone on the way out that was very good, but has reinstated the fact that ice cream is not so good for me. I think. Either that or being in Jersey isn't good for me. It seems like ice cream causes my body to go into mucus-production overdrive. Cheese never does that, so I guess it's not just a dairy thing. I have yet to drink a glass of milk though. Anyway, I suppose ice cream is really out for me now that this has happened twice. Last night I got some weird allergic reaction to something as well; itchy eyes and stuffy nose. Physical problems suck. This is why I did raw food in the first place...I should go back. Yes. Why is it so hard? Where's my brain? MY BRAIN!
Another weird physical problem I've found is that my blood doesn't want to stay in their tubes. Stay in your tubes, your tuuuubes! There's a bruies on my arm and another one behind my knee that look weird and blotchy. I'm sure they're not the result of banging into anything because they just appeared...maybe. Erghy.
On Thursday I was in this awful mood in the morning because of DAMN FOOD! A dinner was planned that night at the Beech Tree Girll for all the MSDP people (food that I don't have to pay for = good) but I wasn't sure if I should go. Let's see, eat a lot and get fat and spent time with friends or stay in the crapy TH and not spend time with friends but be less fat, maybe? I need to get my priorities straight. Jeremy thinks I've got major food issues and I agree. Hohum! So I did go to dinner with everyone and I had a great time. I seemed to be the only one who didn't feel like puking after dinner (because the food was yummy and people ate loads) which..frightened people because I ate everything. Jeremy was about to puke before dessert so I told him in all seriousness to order a dessert so I could eat two. Conveniently, his hunger came back so he could eat his dessert. Then he went back to feeling like death and wanting to lie down in bed and digest/die. HAR HAR!
Thursday night was my last show on WVKR and it was great. I played two requests and chatted with a buttload of people. Mainly friends, but yeah...it's all good. I dedicated a song to Diana and another to Cristen and I chatted with Ian and that was a run-on sentence. I got a phone call from a guy near the end of my show saying that he really liked it and that he was just hanging out with some friends listening to the radio. ...then he requested a Modest Mouse song, which is the second time someone did that. I have nothing against Modest Mouse but I've never listened to their music AND the first time someone requested them I couldn't find any of their CDs. Screw me. Oh well, fun show. I was getting kinda used to being on the radio too...boohoo.
Thursday night also marked some kind of dance for the SIG kids. It was bizarre because it's usually dead quiet in the college center during my radio show, not infiltrated with screaming teens and Britney Spears. It reminded me of middle school, which is...not cool.
I'm going to make a small list of cool things from the summer that won't make sense to anyone, but it's amazing that I have enough material to make a list out of. An....UNORDERED LIST! BWAHAHA! ...I dunno why I said that. I'm weird. Help:
- making friends
- Anna-cookies
- the Ken song
- sitting on a couch while watching Fahrenheit 9/11
- Babycakes
- teaching people CSS
- setting up blogs
- WVKR
- finishing the Poofy book
- Jeremy, DeVan, Tom, Nathalie, Anna
I'd say more but I don't want to complain about eating. Hm. Well. Pasta + pesto = mm. Actually, anything + pesto = mm.
:)
Comments (6)
Sounds like you're doing alright with the food issues so far. At least your'e not in denial that it's wrong. Don't know if that made sense! You sound pretty disciplined though, like that you can stop your brand of food abuse.
Anyway, glad you had a good time at Vassar for the 1/2 summer. It's a bummer coming back to glorious NJ isn't it?
Posted by Alex | July 17, 2004 11:14 PM
Posted on July 17, 2004 23:14
mmm.. dumplings. That sounds so good...
Welcome to overeaters anonymous. That's what my parents like to call their over-eating-food-disorder-club-type-thing. It's the eating too much disorder. I wonder what that would be called in technical terms... I'm sure theres a disorder like that. There has to be. A disorder where people eat and eat, not because they're hungry, but because the food is there (and it helps that food generally tastes good :D ).
Modest mouse... I don't like modest mouse. The singers voice is very... I dont know how to describe it. The word chicken springs to ming, but that's not entirely it. The popular song right now by them is "float on," which keeps getting a little play on MTV (although not on popular shows, obviously, but on their "buzzworthy" [is that it? I dont know] clip they have during television credits.).
..and mm pasta...
Okay, this comment is extremely... unorganized and rambling-ish-ness. Yeah.
Posted by Miranda | July 18, 2004 12:41 AM
Posted on July 18, 2004 00:41
man, I am so disappointed that I missed your last show! did you record it? I never actually heard you speaking on air. I'm glad that you enjoyed it and have pleasant memories to take away from your experience with the station, and with your time at vassar, anyway. :) don't feel bad about talking about the food stuff. at any rate, I am rooting for you and I know that you will get through it because you always do that so very well in the end! good luck! talk to you soon.
Posted by rebecca | July 18, 2004 3:24 AM
Posted on July 18, 2004 03:24
I wish I could eat like you do. See unlike yourself, I wanna get fatter. I am such a walkin, talkin, joke tellin twig. But enough about me, I missed your radio show! NOOOOO!!! and Modest Mouse is quite not so good. Are you still going to Mum? Cuz I am. It shall be cool. I love fragment sentences. They're so easy.
How did you get to see Fahrenheit 9/11 on a couch? Did you get a bootleg? Thief! Okay, I won't judge you, you just better not bootleg any of my movies, darnit.
It's really late (note the really dumb comments) so I bid you goodnight and stuff.
Peace and what in the hell is pesto?
Posted by cj | July 19, 2004 3:50 AM
Posted on July 19, 2004 03:50
I don't know what happened, but now I have the same problem as you, I eat and eat and I stay full for like 2 hours. Except I still get woken up earlier than I'd like to, cause I'm so damn hungry. Argh. I'm going to see the Dr. today and hopefully she'll have some insight. Either that, or I just have to eat all the time, which is rather inconvenient.
ANYWAY.
I am home, and home is pretty good, it's nice and relaxing. Laura is coming back tomorrow. Oh yay.
Posted by jeremy | July 19, 2004 8:28 AM
Posted on July 19, 2004 08:28
I think Modest Mouse is trying to copy Talking Heads. Plllbppphhht! I love food. Especially pastries. The French kind - the ones overloaded with butter, cream, and tons of fat - they're the best!
Posted by pauline | July 19, 2004 9:11 AM
Posted on July 19, 2004 09:11