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Good lord, I need to update this thing more so you can feel my horror. Alright, I must admit that horror would be being locked in a small cage in the middle of the jungle while having your legs cut off by...something. Something you'd find in a jungle. A tiger. Wait, tigers can't cut off things. Well something in the jungle that can cut off things. ...okay, I have just been alarmed that there are cookies. The sugar is getting to my brain. What the HELL am I talking about? Can you see how i'm going crazy about things? I say this a lot but I mean it this time: my brain is made of mush. So very mushy. So much mush. In my head. Under my skull. Fraternizing with the gray matter, if any still exists.

Too much food. Please. I'm being serious and un-serious at the same time when I saw that I need my stomach pumped and a way to not eat when I am not hungry. I don't think I've been hungry for three days, yet I keep eating. I know, I'm not hungry because I AM eating, but I wasn't all that hungry before I started eating. What does this mean? It means I suck and I officially need my mouth to be sewn shut before I eat the entire cookie population. I think I'm getting a little better at this not-eating-buttloads-of-carbs thing but this morning I ate a lot of graham crackers and today I ate half a box of...graham crackers. And a granola bar. Basically stuff I never really ate when I was a cooked food eater, yet decided to pick up today at the health food store because the boxes were going "Buy usss...even though you will regret it...buyyyy" or maybe I was hallucinating, which is another possibility. Never rule out hallucinations. They're your friends. I mean...they suck. What? Yes.

So this food thing. I've been eating a lot in the past week and I'm sure by now my weight has gone up another five pounds, but I'm too scared to find out. You have to gouge out my organs (or do a less gruesome operation) to unearth them from my cookie-laden body and see how they're doing. How you doing, little buddies? My organ buddies? Yeah? Okay. Now I'm talking to my organs. Something must be done. Something involving a psychiatrist and a donkey.

I'm currently wearing pants I've had since 8th grade. They fit fine, but they're getting tighter. They shouldn't get tighter because I was fatter in 8th grade and I haven't grown much since then. I mean, I haven't grown at all. I don't think I could pass as an 8th grader but still, I'm a small person and should weigh at least 10 pounds less (less than...I won't say) considering I'm about 5 feet tall. I know I sound obsessed but I can't help it and you know what, I can't help it. I just said that, didn't I?

Honestly. What. The. Hell. Yesterday I bought a ridiculous amount of Chinese take out and ended up giving half of it to a friend. Today I got a lunch sized portion...much better. I also got a great hazelnut chocolate cake thing from Babycakes and all that junk from the health food store and now my stomach is huge. I took a nap for a few hours after dinner (brown rice and broccoli in garlic sauce, ooh mm mm mm). I'm turning into one of...them. THEM! Those people that need to sleep after they eat! And my sleep cycle is pretty much screwed...I tend to go to bed at 3 AM and wake up at 7:45 AM to take a shower and then I end up at the library kinda early because I have no life...

...except I need to finish this thingy. Yeah, you heard me...thingy. The thingy that I was supposed to work on all summer except things got a little backtracked when we couldn't actually do anything. The site looks a lot better on an apple than on my laptop. ARRGH IT'S SHITTY but...ARGH! I basically have two days left to make it suck less and then I'm going to be gone from Vassar forever, kind of. To frolick in the city and eat more crap, hell yeah.

I am serious. About. ...nevermind. I don't know. I need to stop eating. At once. Fasting is not such a bad thing. People cringe at the idea of not eating more than "Hey, I am gorging myself to death on food I didn't even really eat before...oh, and I want to fast." People GASP and go "NOOO NOO you will ruin your life you freeeak!" and I get confused because I have no idea what I just said. Something's wrong with the air here, methinks. It's in the 60s and it's JULY! CRAP.

This weekend I went home and hung out with my brother and his friend Everlyn and her brother Edward, whom we went to school with in Taiwan. I don't remember Edward but he remembered me. Odd? I haven't changed much in the 6 year time period that we hadn't seen each other though and apparently he grew a foot. Or two. Anyway, that was much fun. I just finished the leftover pancakes that we got on Saturday. No more pancakes. I can't handle them. Or any food. Or...I don't know, I'm freaking out here. Someone someone someone please tell me how to stop eating so much because I need to know.

I've been reading this book about how regular food makes your kids idiotic and fidgety and such, so I started wondering why I was never a dumbass in grade school despite not eating breakfast and not eating so great overall. I did eat better than most people though. Didn't eat lots of...sandwiches and weird meat or pastries in boxes. I ate lots of rice. Rice. I guess rice isn't that bad for you after all. But I never ate breakfast and I don't think kids should eat breakfast unless they're hungry. I must've had a better grip on hunger when I was little. I don't think I even ate a whole lot, but I was FAT, trust me. God knows what's happening...I spent the past two years trying to lose 25 pounds, which I had done after one year and now I think I've gained back half of it. Two years is like a 10th of my life! Did I waste that? AARGH!

I've been watching buttloads of Gilmore Girls lately because my brother lent me the DVD set (yes, my brother) and I need to do something while I make poofies. Is it just me or does that show revolve around food and relationships? The Gilmores eat complete crap (of course, they look healthy...!) and they eat a lot, or else you wouldn't get to see Luke so much, and they have that dinner every Friday night. And there's Sookie cooking the food and such. And. Wow, there is so much food in that show. And relationships. But not the kind that make me feel like puking, at least not all the time. Sometimes it might be puke inducing but you know...whatever. It's a funny show. Me like. And I've only seen the first season, not even all of it! Is Rory in college already? What the hell! The other DVDs better come out sometime soonish.

I've been thinking about relationship related things this weekend and it's crazy-go-nuts. ...but I can't say much else about it. It's PERSONAL! Of course, this is my blog where I talk about such things as...exploding stomachs. But there are some things that I can't talk to anyone about, and it absolutely kills me. KILL! DEATH! Deathie.

I want a cookie.