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July 3, 2004

Food Liberation

If you told me a week ago that I would eat cookies today, I would've said you were crazy. If you told me a week ago that I would be eating meat today, I would've said you were crazy. If you told me a week ago that I would jump off a 10-story building and live to tell the tale, I would've said you were crazy. ...okay, one of those didn't actually happen, but they're all pretty crazy. So what happened in the past week that caused the official Robyn Food Liberation Craziness? A book called Health Food Junkies plus a bit of beef in my broccoli.

On Thursday night, the last day of my month-long Ejuva clease and the day after my three-day honey "fast" (during which I ate more than two pounds of honey...if you're wondering, I felt find afterwards, which tells me that honey isn't all that bad, although I wouldn't recommend you eat a few pounds of it) some of my friends decided to get Chinese take out. I like food and after eating just honey for so long I asked for some steamed broccoli. One of my friends brought me the broccoli while I was in the WVKR studio and I noticed there was other stuff mixed in with the broccoli.

"Is that...meat?" I poked at it cautiously. A brave soul tried the mystery substance, which proved to be beef. Dammit.

After I was finished with the radio show and got back to my room with the broccoli and beef bowl, I finished the broccoli and ...stared at the beef. "Meat won't kill me. I'll try it." So I did. And it tasted just like it did before. I don't think I had eaten Chinese take out beef in more than two years. I've heard raw foodists say that cooked food doesn't taste as good if you try it again after a while on a raw food diet, but if you ask me it tastes just as good, if not better because you just end up appreciating it more or because your taste is somewhat heightened. After eating all the beef, I thought, "Good lord, what have I done? I ate the meat. I ate all the meat. And it's past midnight!" The next day I felt absolutely fine. Nothing happened.

I probably wouldn't have eaten the meat (or had ordered the take out in the first place) if I hadn't read that book. I read the book in about three days (which is fast for a person like me who doesn't read much) and I think it changed my view on raw food and obsessively healthy diets in general. First off, I didn't feel so crazy about my raw food diet after reading about other people who were hopelessly controlled by their diets. Secondly, there is much more to health than just what you eat. I was missing out on the psychological factor for the most part and I think I really screwed myself over during college, especially the first semester when I was in my room most of the time, eating practically ever meal alone in front of my computer. I knew I shouldn't have been doing that, and my mum told me not to, but at the time I truly didn't want to eat out with other people. I figured I would be uncomfortable eating with other people as they ate their cooked food and what not, or I would just stare at them as they ate. To avoid such situations, I stayed in my room. Joy.

Another thing is that while I wouldn't want to admit it, I had a sense of superiority about my diet, something I shouldn't have had. I didn't look at it that way at the time, but now I do and it's kind of disturbing. I would look at what other people ate and think about how unhealthy it was or how much better my fruits and veggies were. Now I think that as long as what people eat works out for them, it's fine with me. It only bothers me when people eat unhealthy food and they question their multitude of health problems or just don't give a damn. Those superior thoughts I had in the beginning were stupid and foolish. I don't want those anymore.

Today I went to Minado with my mum and my brother. I mainly ate salad but I also tried a little bit of beef that my mum said was delicious. It was, of course. Then I looked at the dessert table and ate an array of little cakes. I hadn't had any kind of regular cake in more than 1 and a half years. So what does cake taste like after that amount of time? Absolutely delicious. I tried just about everything, repeating, "Cake is yummy. Wow. This is really good," over and over again. I don't regret eating the cake and I just felt happy for not feeling so restricted. We also went to Wegmans where I got some cookies and once again...mass deliciousness. Cookies are little patties of joy.

Eating these foods that I would not imagine eating just a week ago have changed me in some way. They've made me realize what I've been doing over the past year and a half by refusing to eat so much food and spend time with others for the sake of my physical health. I don't regret what I did on my raw food diet at all, as I think I did become much healthier, and I'd like to stay int he 50%-75% raw diet range. But I don't want to go crazy trying to be nealy 100% because it's pretty much impossible and not worth giving up certain parts of my social life (I'm already introverted and anti-social enough!). I'm not saying that a raw food diet is bad, but I think I needed to loosen up. It almost feels like being a convict who's been let out of prison.

So about the book...well I think it was great for me, a person who barely touched the surface of orthorexia nervosa. The only bad thing I can think about the book is that anyone who is a full blown orthorexic (if that's the right term) may not heed Bratman's words. I'm still skeptical about some of the things he said (of course I'm biased as a semi raw foodist) but then again, he is the doctor and he's tried all the different diets. He drove the point home that you don't have to worry about your unconventional eating habits as long as it works for you and doesn't interfere with your life to a dangerous extent, but also explained how these diets (such as macrobiotics, raw foodism, being obsessed with vitamins and supplements) can have a negative effect on your life without you really being aware of it. I was aware of what I was giving up for my diet but I didn't think it was a big deal at the time. I'm starting life anew in a way, transferring to NYU, and I don't want to miss out going to restaurants with other nutrition majors or friends or not getting to eat the stuff I make during my foods lab just cos of the raw food thing. I had to break free from the raw food mantra that "cooked food is poison" (if it were poison, wouldn't everyone be dead?), which was a bit hard to do. I really used to be afraid of eating cooked food or certain kinds of food because I thought they would make me sick or something bad would happen. "Bad" describing...something. I didn't want to find out. I didn't even want to touch grain products but they can't kill me. Not right away at least.

So I will savour the cookies. :)

July 7, 2004

Five pounds later

So I hesitantly weighed myself yesterday to see how much weight I gained in less than a week and it came to about five pounds. Normally this would freak me out, but I expected something like that. Actually, it should freak out any normal human being but I know it's my own fault. Also, I don't want to be obsessive about it...I used to weigh myself every morning and night and a gained of half a pound would freak me out. I would try to base what I would eat that day on how much I weighed, but I didn't have willpower so that usually didn't work (people think I must've had willpower to just eat raw food but I overate fruit and nuts, so I don't think I had much willpower). So. Five pounds. What do I do about that? Nothing? For now I'm not going to do anything. I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a fat, obses man in a few years (yup, for some reason I'll become a man) and then I'll have really screwed myself over...

It's not hard to eat delicious pastries and cooked food now, but it still feels a little weird. Like "Wasn't this poison just a while ago? How am I digesting this?" I'm glad to report that over about a week of eating cooked food and many, many pastries (my diet is something like 50% pastries now, no joke) I haven't had any weird health problems. I gotta say that I get a little asthmatic when I overeat, but that would happen with raw food too. I sleep the same amount of time and am not any more hyper than usual (which is usually ...not that hyper). Sugar really doesn't do anything for me, but I crave it all the time. Damn sugar.

I'll fill you in on my crazy diet over the past few days. On Sunday I went to Whole Foods and got some yummy blondie type thing and ate leftover fruit tart from Wegmans. And I'm sure I ate lots of fruit...hopefully. On Monday I went to the Country Pancake House in Ridgewood with my brother and had the most massive, delicious pancakes ever. I've never had pancakes there before and I haven't had pancakes in a very long time. They sell four gigantic pancakes (in over 100 varieties) for $6-$8. It's frightening. They automatically give you a carry-out container because no one ever finishes. After eating the free cornbread I could barely eat one pancake. I took it home and ate it as breakfast the next day while I was in the library at school.

There's an awesome bakery/cafe right next to the school called Babycakes and I plan to go there every day I can while I'm here. If I hadn't been a raw foodist all year, I would've gone there every day, if possible. So I'm pretty glad I was a raw foodist because their bakery items are heavenly. Today I had a mint tart and it had real mint in it. That shouldn't be mindblowing, but how many times do you eat something that's mint flavored and has real mind leaves in it? Real mint tastes totally different from artificial mint (eat a mint leaf to get the real picture). It tastes refreshing and ...plant-like. :) But that was just one of the things I ate from there today. I went there for the first time yesterday before dinner and got a small carrot cake and a scone. Both = deliciousness. I went to dinner with Nathalie, Tom, and one of Nathalie's friends to an Indian restaurant. I haven't had Indian food in a really long time, as they generally don't have anything raw. I stuck to the vegetarian entrees and my vegetable curry and rice was delicious. If I had my own choice though, I'd just eat fruit and pastries for dinner. Or for the rest of my life.

I went to Babycakes this morning for breakfast. For your information, I never ate breakfast even before I was a raw foodist. But...I couldn't resist. This place has awesome breakfast food. Tom came with me and I felt kind of bad because I told him to be up and ready to leave at 8:30 or I'd leave without him. My consciouness stirred up at 8:20 this morning because I forgot to turn on my alarm. That's the second time this whole summer I forgot to set my alarm. Dammit. I got ready in about 10-15 minutes and at 8:35, Tom was at the door...ah! Of course, no big deal but I felt bad for being the "puctuality is key!" person and then being late myself. I had counted on Tom being late because he never wakes up that early and I always do!

At Babycakes I had rocky mountain oatmeal, which is kind of like this oatmeal loaf. All the oatmeal goodness without the vomit-esque consistency. I don't like oatmeal mainly because of the texture; oatmeal cookies or dry granola type stuff is fine with me. The oatmeal was warm, soft, and deeeelicious. There was fresh fruit on it and a yogurt topping. After eating the whole thing, I felt...not overstuffed, which I guess is good. Tom had stuffed french toast and seemed to be really full after that. I want to try it tomorrow and see if I get stuffed, hehe. I bought a chocolate chip cookie to eat when I got back to my room (so, so good) and the mint tart. We bought a coffee and scone for Nathalie since she was still sleeping. I also made a Poofy for her last night, so she got a nice surprise in the morning...although Poofy ate some of her scone. *cough*

At around 11AM, a bunch of us media summer studies people went to Innisfree Garden for a little field trip brought together by Bert. He brought picnic food and I ate a lovely fruit salad...er, lots of fruit for lunch. I also tried...*gasp*, POTATO CHIPS. The ingredients didn't seem to know what kind of oil was in them, but I figured I should only be really worried if there was a question mark next to the ingredient. I've decided that potato chips are filled with crack because I'm not even a chip-snack person and I couldn't stop eating the damn things.

We walked around the garden for for about an hour, which ran along the perimeter of a huge lake. It was a really nice place that a lot of people probably don't know about. It's kind of weird because it's laid out but at the same time not laid out. ...yeah, that's not confusing, eh? There were water fountains misting water everywhere at some random points and lots of stepping stones. And of course, loads of plants. There were also lots of chairs although I couldn't imagine the place being crowded enough for them to get much use. I didn't see anyone sitting in them besides the people in my group.

Yay for sunshine and minimal exercise. When we got back to school, I went to the library to print more Poofy coloring books (20, which is 80 pieces of paper) and attempt to get some work done. I'm really screwed with my project cos...I need to do more of it. And yesterday I decided I didn't like the current design so much, so I worked on a new color scheme. ...

Oh yes, how could I forget? The big project this week was my Poofy book, which is now finished but not ready to sell. I'm not going to make it public on Lulu.com because I left the speech bubble blank on the cover so I could write different things. Here's the back cover. I filled out a form about buying in bulk because I'd like to get a discount on 150 copies, but I haven't heard back from them yet. That really worries me because I only have three weeks to get them before the convention. I'll probably have to use a lot of express shipping options. Hopefully it'll all even out since i'm buying 150 copies. So even if shipping costed $150, then that'd only be an extra dollar per book. ...hm. I wonder how much that would weigh.

I received an e-mail today about this raw food program. Uh huh...great. I don't think that would've helped me, but I just thought it was funny I got that today. :)

Oh, I'm not done talking about the foodie adventures! Uh...I went back to Babycakes for dinner. ;D I went alone time time and had a great black bean hummus wrap and an oatmeal cookie. Altogether I think it was about $6. Yay. And when I got back to my room I had the yummy mint tart. Food = so so good. I wish I could live in Babycakes.

...okay, now I'm done talking about my food adventures. By next entry I'll probably have gained five more pounds. HAHA...okay, that's frightening. It's nice that I can go to places with other people and eat with them now. It's such a difference from the isolation I experiences during school, not that I was necessarily locked in a cage, but life is much more fun this way. I honestly didn't realize how obsessed I was with the raw food diet and what raw foodist propaganda had filled my head beforehand. I used to look down at people for eating crap, and now look at me...I'm eating the crap! ;D I'm sorry if I ever made anyone uncomfortable about their diets, that wasn't my intention. If you think you may have orthorexia, figure out if your current diet is worth it. I honestly don't think I know anyone with orthorexia...does food cause you to not do certain activities or see certain people? Or do...stuff? That was me. I had nearly every symptom, except for number 10 (however, I still do number 2). Anyone who knows me well enough probably knows that I didn't hang out with people very much, except for my mum. And as for social activities, I hardly did those. I'm trying to care equally about the virtue and pleasure of what I eat (right now, it's more about the pleasure).

I still think that just eating raw food makes the most sense. I know cooking food is a human thing and humans aren't like other animals in many ways, but biologically we're not totally different. We live in a strange world though. And cookies taste really good.

July 13, 2004

The Eating Saga Continues

Good lord, I need to update this thing more so you can feel my horror. Alright, I must admit that horror would be being locked in a small cage in the middle of the jungle while having your legs cut off by...something. Something you'd find in a jungle. A tiger. Wait, tigers can't cut off things. Well something in the jungle that can cut off things. ...okay, I have just been alarmed that there are cookies. The sugar is getting to my brain. What the HELL am I talking about? Can you see how i'm going crazy about things? I say this a lot but I mean it this time: my brain is made of mush. So very mushy. So much mush. In my head. Under my skull. Fraternizing with the gray matter, if any still exists.

Too much food. Please. I'm being serious and un-serious at the same time when I saw that I need my stomach pumped and a way to not eat when I am not hungry. I don't think I've been hungry for three days, yet I keep eating. I know, I'm not hungry because I AM eating, but I wasn't all that hungry before I started eating. What does this mean? It means I suck and I officially need my mouth to be sewn shut before I eat the entire cookie population. I think I'm getting a little better at this not-eating-buttloads-of-carbs thing but this morning I ate a lot of graham crackers and today I ate half a box of...graham crackers. And a granola bar. Basically stuff I never really ate when I was a cooked food eater, yet decided to pick up today at the health food store because the boxes were going "Buy usss...even though you will regret it...buyyyy" or maybe I was hallucinating, which is another possibility. Never rule out hallucinations. They're your friends. I mean...they suck. What? Yes.

So this food thing. I've been eating a lot in the past week and I'm sure by now my weight has gone up another five pounds, but I'm too scared to find out. You have to gouge out my organs (or do a less gruesome operation) to unearth them from my cookie-laden body and see how they're doing. How you doing, little buddies? My organ buddies? Yeah? Okay. Now I'm talking to my organs. Something must be done. Something involving a psychiatrist and a donkey.

I'm currently wearing pants I've had since 8th grade. They fit fine, but they're getting tighter. They shouldn't get tighter because I was fatter in 8th grade and I haven't grown much since then. I mean, I haven't grown at all. I don't think I could pass as an 8th grader but still, I'm a small person and should weigh at least 10 pounds less (less than...I won't say) considering I'm about 5 feet tall. I know I sound obsessed but I can't help it and you know what, I can't help it. I just said that, didn't I?

Honestly. What. The. Hell. Yesterday I bought a ridiculous amount of Chinese take out and ended up giving half of it to a friend. Today I got a lunch sized portion...much better. I also got a great hazelnut chocolate cake thing from Babycakes and all that junk from the health food store and now my stomach is huge. I took a nap for a few hours after dinner (brown rice and broccoli in garlic sauce, ooh mm mm mm). I'm turning into one of...them. THEM! Those people that need to sleep after they eat! And my sleep cycle is pretty much screwed...I tend to go to bed at 3 AM and wake up at 7:45 AM to take a shower and then I end up at the library kinda early because I have no life...

...except I need to finish this thingy. Yeah, you heard me...thingy. The thingy that I was supposed to work on all summer except things got a little backtracked when we couldn't actually do anything. The site looks a lot better on an apple than on my laptop. ARRGH IT'S SHITTY but...ARGH! I basically have two days left to make it suck less and then I'm going to be gone from Vassar forever, kind of. To frolick in the city and eat more crap, hell yeah.

I am serious. About. ...nevermind. I don't know. I need to stop eating. At once. Fasting is not such a bad thing. People cringe at the idea of not eating more than "Hey, I am gorging myself to death on food I didn't even really eat before...oh, and I want to fast." People GASP and go "NOOO NOO you will ruin your life you freeeak!" and I get confused because I have no idea what I just said. Something's wrong with the air here, methinks. It's in the 60s and it's JULY! CRAP.

This weekend I went home and hung out with my brother and his friend Everlyn and her brother Edward, whom we went to school with in Taiwan. I don't remember Edward but he remembered me. Odd? I haven't changed much in the 6 year time period that we hadn't seen each other though and apparently he grew a foot. Or two. Anyway, that was much fun. I just finished the leftover pancakes that we got on Saturday. No more pancakes. I can't handle them. Or any food. Or...I don't know, I'm freaking out here. Someone someone someone please tell me how to stop eating so much because I need to know.

I've been reading this book about how regular food makes your kids idiotic and fidgety and such, so I started wondering why I was never a dumbass in grade school despite not eating breakfast and not eating so great overall. I did eat better than most people though. Didn't eat lots of...sandwiches and weird meat or pastries in boxes. I ate lots of rice. Rice. I guess rice isn't that bad for you after all. But I never ate breakfast and I don't think kids should eat breakfast unless they're hungry. I must've had a better grip on hunger when I was little. I don't think I even ate a whole lot, but I was FAT, trust me. God knows what's happening...I spent the past two years trying to lose 25 pounds, which I had done after one year and now I think I've gained back half of it. Two years is like a 10th of my life! Did I waste that? AARGH!

I've been watching buttloads of Gilmore Girls lately because my brother lent me the DVD set (yes, my brother) and I need to do something while I make poofies. Is it just me or does that show revolve around food and relationships? The Gilmores eat complete crap (of course, they look healthy...!) and they eat a lot, or else you wouldn't get to see Luke so much, and they have that dinner every Friday night. And there's Sookie cooking the food and such. And. Wow, there is so much food in that show. And relationships. But not the kind that make me feel like puking, at least not all the time. Sometimes it might be puke inducing but you know...whatever. It's a funny show. Me like. And I've only seen the first season, not even all of it! Is Rory in college already? What the hell! The other DVDs better come out sometime soonish.

I've been thinking about relationship related things this weekend and it's crazy-go-nuts. ...but I can't say much else about it. It's PERSONAL! Of course, this is my blog where I talk about such things as...exploding stomachs. But there are some things that I can't talk to anyone about, and it absolutely kills me. KILL! DEATH! Deathie.

I want a cookie.

July 17, 2004

The Girth Expands Ever Further

The title is self explanatory. I've decided the only way for me to stop eating is to either become an anorexic or have someone pay me to stop eating. It's more likely someone would pay me to stop eating than for me to become anorexic, so don't worry about that. It's just OUTTA CONTROL! ARRGH! I'm not hungry now but I'm thinking of eating dumplings. What kind of weird foodie disorder do I have? I knew I was in trouble when I tried on a pair of pants I haven't worn in months; I barely fit into it and it's too uncomfortable to wear. Last year it was loose. Yes...loose. That pair of pants used to be tight before I lost all that weight about 1.5-2 years ago. Did I just screw myself over? Probably. I hate how I can't stop thinking about food and how I'm blowing it all out of proportions compared to real problems in the world. Like hey, at least I'm not pregnant or a coke-head or afflicted with AIDs (some people probably have all three...good lord, that's scary) but I can't stop thinking: what's in mah INTESTINES? I should think about how my intestines are totally clogged with junk right now but it's not working...

So I'm trying to weigh the physical crapness against the mental crapness. I wasn't really depressed as a raw foodist but maybe I was able to bury all the stress deeeep down when I hung around people eating cooked food. Telling people it didn't bother me was a lie. It must've been. But I didn't notice it so much. At least I felt lighter because I was lighter. And now I've got physical and mental crapness, but I was really happy initially...before feeling preggers (I like the word "preggers" and shall use it whenever I can).

Sorry I am ranting so much about this stupid stuff. I'd have to be really sick to stop eating and I haven't hit that point yet. It just bothers me when friends say, "Robyn, food is good, don't be afraid of food, you should eat food," and then later go, "Robyn, stop...you're crazy." Today my mum said maybe I should just be afraid of food. I have to pick my poison. So yeah. I'm considering it.

Anyhoo, I am at home now! No more Vassar for me. It's kind of sad, but I had a great time this summer. I forgot to thank Ken...aah! Okay, I shall do that. He got me a job in the second semester and "made" me work during the summer. I'm forever grateful. I said goodbye to everyone and did a lot of hugging before heading back to Jersey. It's weird to think that I might never see Jeremy again, but I'm sure I'll see Anna and other MSSI people who don't have websites sometime. And my mum would like to go back to the Poughkeepsie area to stop by Babycakes and the Culinary Institute. Mm.

Yesterday I brought my mum to Babycakes and we ate yumyum stuff. I had a delicious waffle covered with whipped cream and something like vanilla pudding and my mum had a mozzerella and pesto sandwich. We also bought lots of pastries to bring home (which by now have all been eaten). I got an ice cream cone on the way out that was very good, but has reinstated the fact that ice cream is not so good for me. I think. Either that or being in Jersey isn't good for me. It seems like ice cream causes my body to go into mucus-production overdrive. Cheese never does that, so I guess it's not just a dairy thing. I have yet to drink a glass of milk though. Anyway, I suppose ice cream is really out for me now that this has happened twice. Last night I got some weird allergic reaction to something as well; itchy eyes and stuffy nose. Physical problems suck. This is why I did raw food in the first place...I should go back. Yes. Why is it so hard? Where's my brain? MY BRAIN!

Another weird physical problem I've found is that my blood doesn't want to stay in their tubes. Stay in your tubes, your tuuuubes! There's a bruies on my arm and another one behind my knee that look weird and blotchy. I'm sure they're not the result of banging into anything because they just appeared...maybe. Erghy.

On Thursday I was in this awful mood in the morning because of DAMN FOOD! A dinner was planned that night at the Beech Tree Girll for all the MSDP people (food that I don't have to pay for = good) but I wasn't sure if I should go. Let's see, eat a lot and get fat and spent time with friends or stay in the crapy TH and not spend time with friends but be less fat, maybe? I need to get my priorities straight. Jeremy thinks I've got major food issues and I agree. Hohum! So I did go to dinner with everyone and I had a great time. I seemed to be the only one who didn't feel like puking after dinner (because the food was yummy and people ate loads) which..frightened people because I ate everything. Jeremy was about to puke before dessert so I told him in all seriousness to order a dessert so I could eat two. Conveniently, his hunger came back so he could eat his dessert. Then he went back to feeling like death and wanting to lie down in bed and digest/die. HAR HAR!

Thursday night was my last show on WVKR and it was great. I played two requests and chatted with a buttload of people. Mainly friends, but yeah...it's all good. I dedicated a song to Diana and another to Cristen and I chatted with Ian and that was a run-on sentence. I got a phone call from a guy near the end of my show saying that he really liked it and that he was just hanging out with some friends listening to the radio. ...then he requested a Modest Mouse song, which is the second time someone did that. I have nothing against Modest Mouse but I've never listened to their music AND the first time someone requested them I couldn't find any of their CDs. Screw me. Oh well, fun show. I was getting kinda used to being on the radio too...boohoo.

Thursday night also marked some kind of dance for the SIG kids. It was bizarre because it's usually dead quiet in the college center during my radio show, not infiltrated with screaming teens and Britney Spears. It reminded me of middle school, which is...not cool.

I'm going to make a small list of cool things from the summer that won't make sense to anyone, but it's amazing that I have enough material to make a list out of. An....UNORDERED LIST! BWAHAHA! ...I dunno why I said that. I'm weird. Help:

  • making friends
  • Anna-cookies
  • the Ken song
  • sitting on a couch while watching Fahrenheit 9/11
  • Babycakes
  • teaching people CSS
  • setting up blogs
  • WVKR
  • finishing the Poofy book
  • Jeremy, DeVan, Tom, Nathalie, Anna

I'd say more but I don't want to complain about eating. Hm. Well. Pasta + pesto = mm. Actually, anything + pesto = mm.

:)

July 21, 2004

Finally Coming to an Agreement

...and when I say "agreement", I mean something food related. This week has been hell, food-wise. To backtrack, yesterday I ate so much food I thought I was going to puke while the day before I stuffed myself with so much fruit that I thought I was going to explode in a shower of peach goo (ate something like 11 peaches, among other things). The day before I probably overate...something. If you've been reading my Livejournal (probably friends-protected entries, sorry) then you've read the never ending documentation of my whining and bitching. Wee!

I was planning to go to Minado on Friday as a treat for making it thoughout the week without killing myself, but I went yesterday instead. I weighed myself and found that I had indeed gained 10 pounds since starting to eat cooked food, but I thought it'd be worse so my family went out. I ate a lot. I don't really regret it...I think it was something I just had to get over with to decide was a bad idea. I went to Minado the first or second day on cooked food and it was fun. Now it's not so fun. I'm not even ...morbidly obese or sickly (well, I'll get to the sickly part soon) but I feel like I was a human being a few weeks ago and now I am a giant human-shaped waste-bin of crap. I don't mean to offend any fat people, but...my god, how do you feel? I mean, yesterday was the turning point for me. Ish. Not a full 360 and not because of the fat thing or else I would've stopped earlier, but because I realized why I did raw food in the first place.

My health apparently sucks compared to the average person. I am not the average person and I have to face that. The average person drinks soda, drinks coffee, eats ice cream, pizza, fries...I know not EVERYONE does that but you can't disagree with me here, eh? I eat fruit, veggies, pastries, and bread for a while, not bad quality, not really bad food, but I was hit with some scary-bad asthma and mucus-filled nose probablems last night. Now for those of you who have never had asthma (and I forgot I had it for the past two years or so), it sucks. That thing you like to do refered to as "breathing" becomes a bit of a chore and you wish you could stop, but if you stopped that would mean loss of bodily function and possibly a trip to the funeral home in the near future. As I would like to live for a little longer, perhaps until I get my first kiss by a member of the opposite sex that I'm not related to, I'm not willing to die anytime soon. My asthma has never been bad enough to kill me but I'm horrified and relieved at the same time that it came back so quickly.

My body sucks. But it's telling me to stop eating crap, or at least eat less of it. I ate less today than yesterday, but a horse could have accomplished the same feat (I wouldn't bet good money on it though). Now all I need to do is listen to what my body said and deal with it. What did I eat today? Unfortunately, not an optimum meal plan:

  • 7 slices of bread (it's official: I cannot eat bread anymore. I finished the loaf I bought yesterday from the Korean supermarket (from a Japanese bakery). I must be eating it just cos I never ate it in the past. Even when I ate cooked food my family was never accustomed to keeping loaves of bread around; I was an English Muffin kind of gal. No bagels, muffins, donuts, or bread...just English Muffins for some reason.)
  • a lot of cherries (and when I say a lot, I mean a lot.)
  • 3 nectarines
  • 2 mini red bean paste buns
  • It could've been worse. I mean, it's not even that bad, besides the 7 slices of bread, which didn't have very bad ingredients and was from an actual bakery (in addition to the mini red bean paste buns). At least it didn't have "WONDERBREAD" stamped on the bag, mmkay? Well! Anyway. I'm totally stuffed and got more of the asthma-ee feelings, so I think I need to cut out the bread at the very least. I still want to cling onto the desserts, unless I find out that my lungs have completely shut off, in which case I'd be willing to give them up. Am I allowed to have a vice? It's not like I do drugs or drink...I want my cakies! :(

    Hey, I haven't had cookies since...well, it hasn't been that long I guess. But still! It's been a few days. Wee.

    Something I want to get off my chest...I'm not talking to anyone in particular here (actually, this doesn't apply to most of you) but while I know my friends have the best intentions telling me that food is good and that it's not something to be afraid of (I agree with that), I personally cannot just eat anything I want. Because then I get that barrage of health problems I was blisfully unaware of during my raw food stint. Which was great. The social isolation was not so great, but the lungs and nose actually working bit was nice. So I know you're not trying to kill me when you say, "Robyn, you can eat that," because maybe I can't. Maybe my lungs will collapse. Not cool. Most people can eat whatever they want and not get weird health conditions but I'm not one of them and I have to face that. It sucks. And really, no one ever joke about getting me to smoke or drink because I think that would actually kill me. ;)

    This morning I went to NYC with Cristen in the hopes of seeing The Boy From Oz or Avenue Q but they wree both sold out. Doooh! We entered a lottery for Avenue Q they hold for every show in which they give away 12 tickets for a discounted price, but we obviously didn't get that. Man, it's cutthroat getting Broadway tickets now. I haven't been to a show in a few years and it seems like they're a lot more expensive than before. I went to see Riverdance once, getting really cheap seats because I figured...why not (I've seen the show three times and sat in three different areas, hehe). I think the tickets were around $20 and while we sat in the back, we had a great view of everything. Money well spent, I think. Anyway, even Avenue Q, which as far as I could tell consists of lots of puppets (and their puppeteers and the orchestra) costs in the $90 range for nearly every seat. You can also get $40-something for the rear mezzaning, but who wants that? Makes going to concert seems less of an expense now.

    I've been making lots of buttons with my button maker. WOO BUTTONS!

July 30, 2004

Otakon: Day 1

I woke up nice and early today to go to Otakon with Diana. I did a test drive to Baltimore this past Monday with my mum to make sure I wouldn't die driving there today and guess what: I'm alive! Miracles of miracles. We left at about 6:30 this morning and got to Baltimore at around 10 AM, which is perfect timing. I didn't pass any exploding cars and I wasn't close to dying at any point! I did drive pretty fast some times, but so was everyone else...I don't feel that comfortable driving at 70-80mph around so many other cars though. While I was driving I was thinking, "What if that car in front of me dies and then stops and then I smash into it and then I KILL US BOTH OH GOD!"

Er, I don't really like driving. But I thought it was time for me to drive somewhere long distance by myself..."by myself" being the main thing. Actually, it wasn't really by myself cos I was with Diana but it was in the absense of my mother, which is the main thing. Right. I think she was surprised that I managed to not kill anything but also happy that I was safe. I'm nervous about the ride home though.

So...Otakon. Anime convention. Loooots of people in costumes. When I walked in to get my badge I felt like I was surrounded by the NSO (non-human student organization) x 1000. The costumes kinda freaked me out but then it must be fun to get to wear a costume. Some of them were really good too. I can't imagine having to make my own costume. I'd dress up as something really easy, like Kiki in Kiki's Delivery Service. A black dress and a broom...all done!

I didn't get to go to any of the activities, but then I wouldn't be that interested in them. I'm not really an anime fan...my love of anime encompasses Sailor Moon and anything by Studio Ghibli. The only mangas I've read are Nausicaa: Valley of the Wind and Parasyte. I'd rather not become an otaku...seems too time and money consuming. I shared a table with Diana in the Artists Alley to peddle my Poofy wares and I did pretty well. I would have liked to do better but I may have sold to 30-40 different people. A lot of those sales consisted of my $1 coloring book + 2 stickers deal, but I sold 8 books (thank god, cos I ordered 150 of them), some poofies, 5 shirts, a bunch of button sets, blah blah blah...I may have sold $200 of stuff, but I'm not sure. Between $150 and $200, at least. I should add up my stuff.

I walked around a little bit to take a break and went to the game room and the dealers room. The game room was a little scary...okay, a lot of this convention scares me. Anyhoo! The game room was absolutely huge, with rows of TVs and REALLY huge screens on the wall with video projected onto them. The dealers room was also mega-huge with buttloads of books and dvds. And cute Japanese stuff, of course. I bought two shirts made by j-list.com; a domokun face shirt and a beer/tobacco japanese warning shirt. Silly and not necessary, considering I have way too many t-shirts, but there wasn't anything else that I wanted and I wanted some kind of souvenir. There were "anime grab bags" sold by some vendors but I didn't want complete random crap.

I actually met a girl who has read my comic! I was surprised, of course. She was very nice and said she liked the "I have nubs for arms!" drawing. Another girl bought some buttons from me and she later came back with all the buttons on her bag. Another dude bought a shirt from me and later came back wearing the shirt...people can't wait to use their stuff, haha. And a lot of people picked up my book, although I only sold 8...and four of them were sold nearly all at the same time. It must be the mob mentality, or something. Anyway, it was fun cos I got to write different stuff on every book. I wrote "I LOVE [person's name]" for some of them and some random stuff I thought up was "I EAT SNAILS!" and "I EAT GREASE!" One girl asked me to write "I LOVE PANCAKES AND HENTAI!" and a guy asked me to write "HAPPY MENOPAUSE STEF!" for a friend's birthday gift. Aw. ;D

I'm verrry tired since I've been up since 6 AM. I didn't eat any food today...I managed to do a 24+ hour fast! And it's for the best because my health has been really bad. Yeah, I ate cooked food. I didn't want to be really strict with Diana around, although now that i'm not eating anything, I guess that's even worse. I figure the money I save on food can go towards the ethernet access I'm using in the hotel now ($10 for 24hrs). I found that the more I eat, the hungrier I get (unless it's a ridiculous amount of food) and now that I haven't eaten, I actually feel un-hungry. But the idea of eating food looks very good...grr.

About July 2004

This page contains all entries posted to roboppy.net in July 2004. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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