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June 2004 Archives

June 1, 2004

screwed as always

I like my brain. I mean, it's been a pretty good brain thus far. It allows me to walk, talk, eat, sleep, put on my clothes, drive a car, type incessant crap, play the guitar, play the drums...it's quite nice. Of course, there have been times when it has let me down, like keeping me up all night and preventing me from sleeping or doing the opposite during classes that occur before 10 AM. And sometimes it just goes stupid. Stupid stupid. Like right now it's being stupid by ignoring whatever I learned in English class and spitting out lots of babbling junk. Blorp. Blorp? Huh? So what was I saying? I don't know.

I say "screwed as always" because that is life. Being screwed. Or being en route to the state of screwiness. When I say I'm screwed, it can only involve one of two things (or both, if I'm in an especially bad state): school or social life. Most of my problems from last year came from both of these things and as I'm not finished with school, you can guess what the problem is. I don't feel an inclination to be social, which might be my first problem. What's my motivation to hang out with other people when it usually just feels awkward and not fun? And why would I want to subject people to my company when my company is no better than a garden snail? I dunno, it beats the hell out of me. I have more fun being in my room, sitting on my bum as it grows to massive proportions, than being around other people, sitting on my bum as it grows to massive proportions.

I'm an awkward child/person, or to put it more nicely, I'm "unique." But of course, everyone is unique! In his/her own special way! Joy! Humans make me nervous, more so if I know the other person and am expected to social with the person. I'm fine around strangers, even better around people who are older than me, but peers my own age are something else. I'm not sure how I even got this far in life with my kind of personality. Shouldn't I have been eaten by a lion by now? Hm. Well. Too bad that didn't happen. I feel really bad for anyone here who has to talk to me for some reason. God knows what they think of me.

I want to go to sleep. Mmmrraaar.

Today I got especially annoyed when my room suddenly reeked of marijuana due to some people smoking it downstairs. If I were a pissy person, I would've gone down to ask them to stop, but I'm not pissy. I'm passive and pessimistic. Nice combination. Most people don't know what I'm like when I'm angry because I tend to not be angry, just depressed. I was a combination of the two and thought about how I'd just go home if I could, or sleep outside if it weren't cold and rainy. I don't want to smell like I just got out of a bar. But where the hell are the non smokers and drinkers around here? I'm not the only one. I think. I don't really understand what's appealing about smoking and drinking. It's not that pleasurable, is it? Anything that smells so disgusting can't be good. Don't people realize that their body is trying to tell them something? That's why we have SENSES, people. Tastes bad? Probably not all that good for you. The sad thing I find about most people is that their bodies are smart but their brains aren't. You get one human body; why damage it?

I'm trying to be more in tune with my body because lately I've been stuffing it with fruit and nuts against its will, resulting in a sickly Robyn. You know when nuts and fruit are too much for you, you're basically screwed. Tomorrow I might fast or just eat very light raw food while taking some cleansing herb junk. I have to wake up early to get all the herb junk in...which sucks. Hohum, I hope it'll be good for my intestines.

This weekend I went on a massive CD buying spree. Right now I'm listening to Ladytron...fun stuff. I met up with Cristen in NYC and we saw Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and...Spring. It was a good movie, although there was probably tons of symbolism in it that I didn't pick up. After that we went to Other Music and headed to Life Thyme to eat some YUMMY FOOD! Mm. Food. Their dessert portions are always too large, but that doesn't stop me from eating the entire thing...which results in me feeling nauseous. Doh. Anyhoo, as for CDs, I bought "Light and Magic" (Ladytron), "Chiff-Chaffs and Willow Warblers" (Minotaur Shock), "Tides" (Arovane) and "& Yet & Yet" (Do Make Say Think). I've listened to everything already and it's all pretty nice stuff. Yay for blowing $60+.

Cristen has been my friend since 8th grade. It's kind of amazing...okay, not really. There are other friends I've had since 8th grade. In many ways, we're nothing alike, but we do luv each other. She's about 3 feet taller than me so sometimes I would joke around and call her mommy ...okay that's a little weird. My real mum is slightly taller than I am. Anyhoo! Cristen = cool, although hanging out with her brough some questions to my mind. How often do people talk on their cell phones for a somewhat extended period of time while walking with another person?...it's not a big deal, but it's not something I can really relate to because just about no one calls my cell phone or would want to talk to me in general.

I used to have this other very good friend who was almost my complete opposite except that we both liked Beck. It was strange. I don't know why I was so drawn to someone who was nothing like me. If it were possible though, I'd still want to be friends with her (not that it's completely impossible, but I have no idea what she's up to).

If it were up to me, there are a lot of friendships that I wouldn't have destroyed. But I guess there's no use in thinking about that...

...thinking is such a bother. Time for bed.

[Okay, maybe not quite yet. This weekend I implemented some of my evenmagnet.net redesign. I also organized my poofy shirts, to some degree. All the styles in that photo are the only ones I have. If you're interested in anything, leave a comment or contact me...you know how, yes?]

June 7, 2004

stinky weather and such

It was pretty cold last week (considering it's June) and now it's gotten humid and muggy. Lovely. Especially when you live in a house that smells weird. I can't even pinpoint what the smell is, besides "TH smell". That's not really a good thing. A lot of things aren't good, actually. ...nah, I won't get into some stupid depressed mode, although last night I felt like dying and all that fun stuff. If I didn't like my mum I probably wouldn't mind killing myself, but I'd have to really hate my family to do that. And I don't. *phew* Lucky me. Of course, suicide is a bad idea, unless you know absolutely no one and have no contact with the outside world, in which case no one will notice that you're gone.

On that note...hello! Today I ate five bananas, one orange, and one fruit cup. And a lot of honey, but I don't think that does much to me. It's quite yummy. In a week I lost about four pounds, but I think a lot of it (maybe three pounds) was just water. It's all good. In the first week of my cleanse I was already getting rid of weird intestinal crap. [shudders]

I saw Harry Potter on Friday with my mum and my first impression was that I was a little disappointed. I was really excited to see it and I thought it would be better. It wasn't bad by any means, but my expectations were probably too high. I haven't read the book in a while but I feel like the movie left out a lot (of course, it always will but maybe some other stuff could've found it's way into the movie) or changed things. I don't really recall, I'll have to read the book again.

On Saturday I went to an old house a faculty member bought to repair in order to do some house work, ie, deconstruction. One of my housemates, Ryan, came too, which was good because he's actually done the kind of work before. We had to toss a bunch of spackle and wood with nails in em that were ripped out of walls out a window and in garbage bins and roll up this huge ass carpet and lug it down the stairs to bring outside (the faculty member's daughter and her boyfriend were helping too). I got to smash a wall with a hammer to get more spackle off...quite fun. Surprisingly, my arms don't even hurt (my legs are still aching though). Ryan and I also had to take down a drywall ceiling, which was about as pleasant as you could imagine having lots of dust and dirt falling on your head could feel like. We had to toss all that stuff out of a window as well. In another room we did more tossing and it was completely dust filled...by the end of the day, I thought my lungs were coated in dust. We went through a few dust masks and we all got super heavy gloves and protective eyewear. Ryan and I made $80, but I don't think I'd be willing to do it again. I'm glad I got the experience though...so now I will never go into the construction business.

I'm not sure what happened all of last week. Not much? Trying to eat less (which didn't work today cos I had a bunch of bananas in my room) and not doing very well with current website making stuff. I'm just LAZY! ERGH! Still haven't put the new poofy shirts on my site cos my laptop can't connect to the internet right now (I'm using the communal computer each media studies hose gets...it's a nice powerful mac, although I don't know which one).

Today is Even's birthday! There's something to celebrate. Makes my day a little bit happier...but not by much. Not that today was a really BAD day, it just wasn't that exciting. Not that it ever is. What am I expecting, that a fairy will emerge in my room and start singing showtunes? That would be downright frightening.

It's frustrating to not really have anyone to talk to in real life. I know that's not really true, as everyone here is cool and would talk to me if I really wanted to, but I don't want to bother them. Last night a bunch of us were just sitting around and talking (I was half asleep on a comfy futon...not in this house, of course, which is kind of devoid of furniture) and it was kind of depressing because people were talking about things I had no experience with and am not sure if I want any experience with: alcohol, relationships, cooked food...okay, I have experiences with cooked food, but it's been a while you know? I haven't cooked anything myself in one and a half years.

God, something above my eyebrow is itchy. I hate it when that happens. I also started getting signs of my period today, which would be very alarming if I weren't on the cleanse. It has to be this cleanse since it's only been a few weeks since my last period. Arrgh...annoying. It supports the idea of menstruation that I believe in, in that it's a way to get rid of toxins and explains why so many people experience painful cramps and PMS and whatever other crap. THEY'RE FULL OF TOXINS! Get over it. That may not apply to everyone, but I believe it applies to the majority of people. And if you eat crap and have a crappy lifestyle and happen to have very painful periods, then...change something.

I could bitch some more. But it's too personal. Screw me. Lalala. I'm going to be up all night thinking about crap that doesn't matter.

I tried to teach myself some PHP today and it's fairly easy...some of it, at least. I could make a simple form. Check these out:

bad word
favorite fruit

Fun times. PHP reminds me of C++ except that now I'm not in school it doesn't scare me. C++ literally made me cry.

June 15, 2004

the not so cool disease

I'm not a very cool person. I can deal with that. I suppose. Anyway, what's the point of this entry? I have no idea. I guess this blog is my way of talking to myself without being as crazy as actually opening my mouth and speaking. I'm not sure if that's bad or good. Without a blog, would I just talk aloud to myself all the time? "Robyn, you suck." "Ohh...yeah, okay." Actually, things aren't that bad but right now I'm not in a great mood. I tend to update this blog when my head is in a less than joyful state. Sorry.

What has gone on in the past week? Well last Wednesday nearly all the media students went to Storm King for a little field trip. Last Wednesday was also one of the hottest and most humid days in existence on par with a level of hell (one of the upper levels). It was a fun day besides the buckets of sweating part. I'm surprised no one collapsed from dehydration. After leaving Storm King a bunch of us went to some malls to walk around. Because...that's what you do in the Poughkeepsie area. Go to malls or find a huge ass outdoor sculpture museum.

Wednesday night was especially odd as my brain did a 360 and made me walk around aimlessly (in a large circle) for an hour and cap off the night by sitting in a tree and taking strange photos of myself. Joy. Wednesday.

Not much else happened that week. I left early on Friday to come home for the weekend, during which I met up with Aliza and saw the Harry Potter movie again in an IMAX theater. I guess twice is enough, or once on a regular screen and once on a huge ass screen is enough. I'm currently reading the book...good stuff. I think I've read it at least three times before but I always forget stuff.

Now I am back in school. Yay. Monday. An unexciting Monday. As usual I was first in the cloisters, although I was one of the first to leave as well. Not much happened today besides me being kind of confused about my project, seeing as I don't know what to do. That's usually a problem. I ate too much honey today, if that's notable...perhaps. People don't usually eat honey out of jars by the spoonful but I was getting desperate. I ate too much today, although it was just fruit and honey. I'm glad my teeth are still intact.

I'm more comfortable here than before but I'm still rather unsocial. I feel so different, not that I'm actually all that different from everyone else, but what is it about me that makes me so...not-fitting-in? Argh. No one knows. I'll never know. And no one can give me answers so it's a bit frustrating. I guess I'm talking to myself again. Tralala. I have another question that no one can answer.

As "typical teenage girl"-ish this will make me sound, how come those of the male persuasion have never taken any interest in me? You know what I mean. I don't think I've ever publicly asked this before. There's pretty much only been one time someone liked me, but that was almost not real. For the record I'll say it's not. So what the hell is wrong with me/the rest of the world? I'm going to be 19 soon and it's not at all unbelievable that I went all throughout high school with minimal contact with the opposite sex, but I did go to a regular, co-ed public high school. It would make more sense if I had gone to an all-girls school. I should've just gone to an all-women's college, but they didn't like me. Ugh. Whatever. I'm not going to change anything now so that guys will like me so I'm wondering what's "wrong" with how I am just being me. I hope it's not too egotistical for me to say that I don't think I'm a very unappealing person. Last time I checked I was still human. Yup. And I still have all the appendages I was born with.

Damn, I'm really self-centered. Sorry.

I guess overall though my life is about 1000% easier than other people's lives involving relationships. So I'll count my blessings. I feel like all other people do is bitch about their exes and things like that. Just...SHUT UP! Honestly. Shut up. It's annoying. No one wants to hear you whine. I can sympathize if this happens for the first time to someone, but if it happens five times it's really hard to feel sorry for the person. Like "Damn, I touched that stove five times and I keep getting burned! I wonder WHY." Gee, I have no fucking clue. Now...leave me alone.

[I'm not really that bitter. It was kind of fun typing that last paragraph though. :)]

June 19, 2004

I hate being a dumbass

I had typed up a pretty long entry and then Firefox suddenly quit. By now I've learned to type everything in some external text editor, but since I'm using a mac I figured I didn't need to. Guess I was wrong. I've hardly every had program crash on me on a mac so you know...it's just my luck. Thanks. Today sucks a lot of ass. Now I wonder why I bother writing anything at all when most of the time I don't talk about the things I'm really thinking about. I don't even write about that stuff in my own paper journal. I think I'm too scared to even know what I'm thinking...

Uh. Anyway. On Thursday I went to NYU for a transfers orientation and to register for my classes. All six of em:

  1. New student seminar - required, non credit class
  2. Intro/food/food science - also has a lab, which is a cooking class...hehe. Nope, I don't have to cook.
  3. Intro to modern chem - has a lab
  4. Computers in nutrition - I might be exempt from this depending on how computer savvy I am...not very
  5. Writing the essay - I heard this class is awful and it's a crapshoot whether you get a good teacher or not. I chose a teacher with an Indian name that I recognized...let's hope that doesn't screw me over.
  6. Nutrition and health

I don't have classes on Monday and I only have one morning class on Friday. So I'm kind of afraid of the other three weekdays. I think I'll manage, but it'll be such a change from Vassar where I didn't have to commute anywhere (I'll practically be doing that since I'm certain I'll be living at the Water Street residence) and I only took four classes a semester. Also, nearly all my classes are in different buildings. I'm going to have to memorize how to get around Washington Square park and where all the buildings are. That shouldn't be very hard but still, it's just more stuff...to stress me out.

Besides registering for classes during the orientation, I also had to take a writing test. We had to write about the relationship between people and amusement parks, or something weird like that. I wrote an incredibly crappy essay, but I think it was semi-coherent. The school basically wants to know if we can hold a pen and if we know the English language. There were four other girls transferring into the nutrition major...woo, cool. The student who helped us get around campus was really nice and she's going to be a sophomore so I'll probably get to see her again.

I really hope that I don't get screwed over living in the city. I feel like I'm screwed all the time, or today in particular I feel screwed. Like I'll always be alone and such stuff like that. Swell. I just haven't really hung out with anyone today so I feel very much alone despite being surrounded by people. That happens a lot though...I could be in a crowd of people and feel like there isn't a person in sight. That doesn't happen much in the city though. Too many people? Hm.

I did other stuff in the city besides just go to the orientation since I had a lot of time to kill. I took a walk to the Visionaire gallery to see The Dunny Show. Those things look pretty cute online but in real life they're actually kinda scary. I also stopped by Zakka since it was close by. I got to buy the issue of Idea about Scandinavia that I've been wanting for a few months. There goes $45. While walking down West Broadway I went into a bunch of clothing stores for fun and I ended up buying two shirts from this one store.

I ate dinner at Life Thyme, consisting of a raw pizza and raw spirulina pie. Mm, now that is delicious. It was a big indulgence though, which is why I need to semi-fast now. Today and yesterday all I ate was my Ejuva cleanse herbs, water, and honey. I feel okay. So. It can't be that bad, eh? I guess it wouldn't be worth it to eat "real" food and screw up my cleanse for the moment. I can bear not eating for a few days.

Today I didn't do much besides go out for a few hours to lie by Sunset Lake and write letters and study Norwegian. Other than that I've been in my house ALL DAY LONG, and I haven't done much to show for it. I took a nap. I read. I listened to music. I'm listening to My Bloody Valentine right now. "Loveless" is a good album...dreamy and layer-ee. Another good thing (although unrelated) is Blankets by Craig Thompson. I practically read the whole book in a day (well, less than a day) but it's pretty easy. I was thinking that the story wouldn't have been that great if it were just prose, but with the drawings it was really beautiful. Or maybe I'm being too harsh because I'm not that into love type stories, but it was really good. READ IT!

So. ... ...today was kinda depressing. I went into my "Why the hell am I here and why was I born and why don't people like me?" mode. I semi hung out with some of my housemates, until they started smoking pot and the smell was unbearable. But it was nice of the dude to offer to hang out with me. I generally don't like hanging out with people though because I think I'll bother them. People almost never ask me to hang out with them, so I just get really self conscious...it doesn't help that I live in a house where nothing happens. I keep thinking about how my summer would be going if I lived in the house I was supposed to live in originally. I guess I'll never know.

I think there are a lot of things I'll never know.

Unconscious mutterings:

  1. Abundance::food
  2. Casino::gambling
  3. Shell::turtle
  4. Overpriced::money
  5. Cancellation::check
  6. Eternal::sunshine
  7. Lyrics::music
  8. Faith::religion
  9. Because::i said so
  10. Wimp::weak

June 27, 2004

MOCCA Art Festival

I went to the MOCCA Art Festival yesterday and went on a irrational buying spree (not that buying sprees are every rational). I left Poughkeepsie with four people and another person from Vassar met up with us when we got to the festival. I met up with Diana and Amy, a friend from my Japanese class. When I walked into the building my first impression was "HOLY CRAP, so much stuff SO MUCH STUFF!" This place was pretty huge, with three rooms bursting at the seems with indie comic goodness. I was just filled with happiness being in a place with other people who liked to draw fun stuff and and and...yeah. Cartoonists are very friendly, it seems. Maybe it's because they're a happy population? ;D I bought a lot of random stuff, mainly from Top Shelf. Cute indie comics provide a burst of happiness, for me at least. One of the coolest things about the festival was getting to see the artists behind the comics and getting people to sign their stuff. ;D Todd Webb and Jeffrey Brown drew some cool stuff in my books.

After going to the festival all I want to do is draw comics. ...stupidly I haven't really drawn any more today. I should make it my goal to draw every day though and maybe, just may, learn how to draw A HUMAN. I can't draw humans. I mean, I can hardly draw anything besides the characters in Poofyville, and even then they come out pretty bad. If I could do Poofy related stuff for the rest of my life, I would be oh-so happy.

My Vassar friends and I went to Rice to Riches, a glorious shop that only sells rice pudding. I'm not a big rice pudding person but I haven't had it in ages and for some reason I really craved it, enough so that I would screw my raw food diet for a bit. I've done that before but never to eat a grain product or any kind of conventional dessert. Anyhoo, all the websites I went to said that the pudding was in the $4-$5 range when it's really $6 for a single serving that is really a double serving. So! I shared a pudding with Jeremy, opting for cinnamon and rocky road. The price of the pudding reflects what are hopefully good ingredients, clean facilities, and a really nicely designed interior, along with the utensils (cool shaped bowl and spoons). The idea of a rice pudding show sounds so funny, but it's like any ice cream shop...but with pudding instead of ice cream. Why didn't anyone think of it before? I like pudding more than ice cream. Pudding is always pudding when you are eating it. Ice cream turns into super sweet ice cream puddle while you are eating it.

We went back to the festival to pick up Diana, who was waiting in line to have Craig Thompson sign her new hardcover version fo Blankets. Oooh! Check out some photos she took here. Blankets made me feel nice n fuzzy inside. Kinda. Actually I just like the word "blanket" a lot. Soft, warm security. Mmm.

I wanted to stop by Toy Tokyo so the whole lot of us, seven people, headed to one of my favorite places...the East Village! Wee. I see it as a foodie haven. The store felt like it came straight out of Japan, with toys neatly lined up on the walls and glass cases with more toys inside. I would have liked to get something just as a souvenir but I figured any little plastic toy I bought would break pretty easily. Doh. Jeremy bought a cute little Yoshi wind-up toy. :) There was a section of robots and some Kubricks (nothing I really liked though) and just...lots of random stuff. A candy store of cute little Japanese toys. It reminded me of Akihabara.

Diana and I split from the rest of the group at this point to eat dinner at Quintessence. I ordered a raw hawaiian pizza (toppings: pine nuts, pineapple, and avocado) and Diana had burritos (with huge lettuce leaves replacing the bread). It was really good, but as I ate the ENTIRE THING, I felt like expoding/puking afterwards. Oops. Despite Diana and I feeling sufficiently blimpy, we also got desserts. ;D Humans are silly like that.

We went to Etherea after that with the intention of getting a little exercise and instead I ended up buying some stuff (Syrofoam album and a Markant record) along with picking up some free promo posters from their pile of stuff (Sondre Lerche and Mum).

By this time I realized...crap, I don't have much time to get to the station. I called Jeremy and found out they were quite a distance away from a subway, like me. I semi panicked when I couldn't find the uptown 6 train when I got to Lafayette, and then again when I got on the 6 train and it was being pokey. Then when I got to Grand Central and didn't see any of my friends, I figured they all got on the train. Lovely...but where is the train? AHH DAMMIT! I couldn't find gate 30 and ran around like a chicken without a head. My backpack's zipper started opening at some point and all my stuff fell out of my bag. When I say "all" I mean...lots of stuff. Jeremy's Yoshi toy fell out and I hadn't noticed, but while i was running around a lady picked it up and gave it back to me! Damn, lucky for Jeremy. I would've felt horrible if I lost it. By the time I ran down to the train, legs turning into jello-like substance, I dropped my crap AGAIN and literally tossed it onto the train, feeling very bad for the conductor in the front. But I made it to the 7:04 train with all my body parts intact, except for my stomach which felt like it was gonna blow at any second (keep in mind that I was doing a lot of running and I'm not fit to do so!).

I found a three seater and laid down on it, reeking of sweat and feeling pukey. But. I made it! Commence frantic calling to friends.

...they didn't make the train. Crap! No biggie, I'd just wait for them when I got to the station. They had trouble finding the right subway station too. I really wish I had known because then I wouldn't have gone so goddamn crazy trying to get on the train! I think my lungs were going to explode. And that I'd die. DIE. Death. But I'm glad they all made it at least. Maybe I shouldn't have left them in the city without a map. :\

Good day. Fun times. Stuffed myself with food. Tomorrow starts the 5 day fast and herbal cleanse. The last part! Ah!

Oh yes, you gotta see the photos. I actually put them all up for once!

About June 2004

This page contains all entries posted to roboppy.net in June 2004. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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