roboppy.net

Man, I'm really tired right now. It's only a bit after 1 AM, so I don't know why I'd be so tired...but eh.

My emotions go from one extreme to the other too frequently and it annoys the hell out of me. Stop...doing...it...stoppit stop!

Oh well. What did I do yesterday? I don't quite remember. I woke up feeling a bit pooty, but I felt better after I got my first paycheck. I make $8.10 per hour. Whaaa-? I have no idea why. Initially I felt really happy and lucky, but now I just feel unqualified and somewhat wrong for being paid so much when I really shouldn't be. People asked me what I do in the cloisters and I can't think of much to say. "I sit there for hours doing random stuff and work on some projects, or at least attempt to because I don't know what I'm doing." Screw me.

That reminds me, I should work on this blog. It looks like complete crap now. Before it used the MT default template, but at least it didn't look like crap. I'm trying to make it look like the website design that Ian made, but...moo. That's all. My answer for everything is "moo".

I'm listening to "Pass In Time" by Beth Orton right now. I love this song, but it makes me feel incredibly sad. It's a strange kind of sadness though, which I can't explain, so you'll just have to trust me on this one. Deeply rooted psychological problems. HA HA. Wow, I'm not even making sense now (although that assumes I made sense before).

So the paycheck happiness was fleeting, especially since I already owe my mum $70-something. I might be able to afford a book with what's left, unless I go off and spend that too. What I really want are books, books, BOOKS! Design books, mainly. There's too much stuff that I want from You Work For Them. They could make my life a little easier by letting me save the items I want to buy and having a "search" function or something, but they've got good stuff. I've decided that Genevieve Gauckler is awesome.

A few days ago I was thinking how maybe (a very small maybe) I should consider going to art school to major in graphic design. Good/bad idea? Really random? Hell yeah. I can spend hours trying to design stuff though, so maybe I should try that. Or maybe I'll end up hating it. I'm under the impression that I'd die in art school because it's buttloads of work, at least from hearing what my friends have to do. Would any place even accept me? My not-very-feasible plan would be to quit from Vassar at the end of the year and take art classes for a few months while applying to some art schools and hoping some place accepts me. But right now I think it's not very realistic and I should just hope that I can get into NYU. I submitted that application last weekend but haven't gotten any notice that they received it. Oh...great.

[random note: something smells like Chinese food...noodles, to be precise. What the heck is going on with my brain? I think my nose is playing tricks on me.]

So if I don't get into NYU. Then. Then. I don't know. Can I stay here any longer? I KNOW I'm really lucky to be here since it's a good school and the people don't suck (I'm sure if I were plonked back into a high school environment I'd beg to come here) but something's missing. Like my affection towards it. Actually, after looking at loads of different websites of colleges and such, I realized that this is a really pretty campus and really beats ugly sharp, rectangular buildings. But I could live with that.

I'm not sure why I feel so unfit to be here. When I see other people being together and acting like the best friends in the world, I wonder why I can't have anything like that. That probably sounds selfish or...I don't know, but I wonder things like that a lot. It doesn't have to be directly, but it's a feeling that makes me feel sad and alone, even being surrounded by hundreds of people. I get that feeling a lot here. Although I have some friends who I'm probably lucky to have, I don't have a strong comraderie with anyone. I mean, I wouldn't regret leaving. If the friends here are worth keeping, we'll keep in touch, and if not...well. Mm. Maybe the reason I don't have many friends is because I'm so blase about friendships. ...am I? ...

Okay, it's already 2 AM because I've been working on the blog for a while. Not getting very far. I'm doing more CSS stuff than what I should be doing, which is the MT tags. I'm confused though because I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I never know what I'm doing.

There's a reason this entry is called "Rufusness" (or else that would be quite random). Last night was the Rufus Wainwright concert that caused me to actually stay on campus rather than run to home sweet home. It was very enjoyable despite my stupid, inexplicable emotions (which I will actually attempt to explain later). Rufus played for about two hours and I think I recorded most of the songs. I realized that my photos would suck, so I may as well record some audio, which also sucks but probably not as much. At the top of my head though, here's what I remember he played:

Harvester of Hearts
Dinner at Eight
14th Street
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk
Oh What a World
Vibrate
Natasha
Foolish Love
Matinee Idol
Liberty Cabbage
Go or Go Ahead
11:11
Greek Song
Want
Hallelujah
I Don't Know What It Is
Movies of Myself
Pretty Things
Beautiful Child
Millbrook
Gay Messiah
Art Teacher

...wait, that's a lot of songs. I may have added something. Well I remember that he definitely played Vibrate because two girls in the audience held up a big heart-shaped Valentine that said something along the lines of "My phone's on vibrate for you," which took a while for Rufus to see. In the meantime as they were standing on the bench, some of the other musicians saw it and thought it was funny, and the audience was laughing a bit. Rufus jokingly called out, "Security!" after seeing it. Art Teacher is a new song and very ...well, Rufus-y in content, about an art teacher he had a crush on. :) He introduced Liberty Cabbage as a song about his love/hate relationship with America (since he went to boarding school in the US, which you might know about if you've listened to "Millkbrook", after spending his childhood in Canada) and more specifically that we need to get rid of Bush. As always, he sang and played perfectly and beautifully, although he did make some random sounds and faces just...cos. Because he can!

Man, I'm really getting tired now. It's about 2:35...I've been refering to the recordings I made during this time. Mm, relive the magic! But anyway, back to me having psychological problems that aren't serious but suck anyway. I started waiting outside the chapel to get in at 6:25, at which point a small line had started to form. The doors didn't open until around 7:30 and during that time my toes nearly froze off. Or something. And I was standing alone. I realized that it was the first time I had ever gone to a concert alone, although there were a lot of people around that I knew. I'd rather be in a place with just one person I really liked than alone surrounded by people that I might know. Somewhat. So that sucked because I don't think anyone else in that line was alone. I could be wrong, but it seemed like everyone had some buddy or some other group of people to talk to. I was studying Japanese because I majorly need to study for my test on Monday. The problem with be being alone to think to myself is that...I think to myself. About things that I don't need to think about and don't matter and...just those annoying things. Like how I don't mind being alone, but being alone around other people sucks ass. Whatever that means. "Sucks ass"...yeah, I didn't make that one up.

I wasn't in the greatest mood by the time we all got to go in. I just couldn't stop thinking about those stupid things that don't matter. I just got the feeling even more that I need to get away from Vassar, or something. It's not pushing me away, I'm just not fit for it.

That's a small wrap-up of whatever may have been going on in my head. I'm in a better mood now. Crap, I'm tired. Oh yeah, I bought some stuff: a Rufus tour poster and a Rainer Maria CD. They were a nice opener. Not really related to Rufus's music, but quite fun, and the CD was only $10 so I figured, why not. A bunch of students got up during their set and danced in front of the stage.

Okay, time to sleep. Yes. ...holy crap, did I not talk about food? Well. I ate too much today and felt kind of bad about it, but I'm definitely having some problem because I just can't stop eating. It's like the thing that I KNOW will make me happy, at least for a while, and then later it comes back to haunt me (like pants getting ever so much tighter and digestion degrading). Cashews don't have crack in them, they're MADE of crack. And nothing else. Dammit. And this morning I had an extra banana because I was in the student center doing some bio homework with my lab parter, Jason, and studying psych since we're in the same class, and he found a banana that someone had left behind int he ACDC (the student center is on the second floor above the ACDC). Of course, it was very nice, and I probably would have eaten a banana later anyway. Free bananas....mm.

Someone's listening to Natasha right now. It's really faint, but I guess it's not that far away.