roboppy.net

I'm still reading FOTR...well, it's kind of long. The first time I saw the movie I remember thinking it was very long and a bit slow, but now I feel like it's the book on fast-forward with big chunks cut out. I don't mean the book is a poor interpretation of the book, but it's interesting to see what had to be changed and cut out. The book doesn't feel slow to me, or else I probably would have stopped reading it by now.

So I'm bad at home after my first week of classes (really just three days) and I am very happy in the sense that I'm here and not at school. In the other sense, I feel like crap, but I ought to count my blessings. First I'll try to remember what's happened since classes started...

Wednesday. I had Japanese and music theory. Japanese is okay since it's just a continuation of last year's class. Music theory looks like it'll be incredibly boring, but I can't really tell yet. One thing that I do know is that if I didn't already know how to read music semi-decently, I'd be totally screwed. My teacher seems nice, but incredibly boring. Aren't music teachers supposed to be strange and eccentric? Nearly all of mine have been, except for my piano teachers... ...oh wait, this guy is a pianist. Is that it? Obviously my regular band teachers and non-piano teachers knew how to play the piano also, but maybe people who primarily play piano just aren't that interesting. I'm talking to myself now, sorry.

Thursday. I had a 9 AM class for psychology, which I added to my schedule to replace anthropology (human origins) because it didn't fit into my schedule as well as I thought it did. I like my teacher, so that class seems all good except that the room is in the basement of an impossible-to-navigate building. I swear it was built as a joke. If there weren't signs everywhere saying where the classes were, I would have been completely lost. I also had Japanese, which was okay as usual. I went to the Media Cloisters to see what I had to do as my job, and I'm still totally clueless even after talking to some people who worked there (well, they were saying stuff to me and I just...listened). Now I'm thinking that I'm way over my head and I should have never applied for a job there. I should have never made a website on the school server because then none of this would have happened. Now I think that I really have no skills and I'm not qualified to be there. Someone asked me if I knew CSS and...well, I use it, but other than that I'd say I know very little. I usually let Dreamweaver do all the work for me. And I still don't understand what I'm doing there. Later I had a meeting with my Japanese teacher, who just wanted to catch up on things with all the students by asking us what we did over vacation and how we're doing so far. I basically screwed that up big time since I suck at Japanese. I got my final back and I didn't even do very well on it, so I have no idea how I got a good grade overall. Luck, I suppose. I just learned how to say luck in Japanese, but I forgot...

Friday. Another 9 AM class for biology. Boy, am I screwed. Now I have to rethink whether I can actually be a nutritionist or not, because if I can't even get through bio, there really isn't any point. My teacher seems nice, at least, and I do know someone in the class. Hopefully we can be lab partners. At the end of the class the teacher asked us to write down what we knew about meiosis and mitosis and I remembered absolutely nothing besides a few weird diagrams I drew in 9th grade (which was the last time I took bio). After that I had Japanese. And then....and then...I GOT TO COME HOME!

Since then I haven't done much besides decide that living is not my thing. It's not like I'm a suicidal depressive maniac, but maybe I'm just a composed suicidal something-or-other? I've been thinking about what I could possibly do with my life and nothing is coming to mind. Even my mum said that I'm strange (not really saying the word "strange", but...anyway) and that I remind her of someone she used to know from college who ended up killing her children. Okay, thanks! I love my mum, of course, but she can say pretty funny things. HAHA! She asked me why I don't think I can do anything...well, I honestly don't see much evidence that I can do much. I'm not really that good at anything.

My plan was to transfer (well, APPLY to transfer) to NYU so I can be in a nutritional program, but after spending a few hours reading my bio book for homework (and spending way too much time on the homework, which was just about allelle stuff...the stuff that everyone's done. I don't understand what "epistasis" is, and that's some kind of question I have to answer) because I read incredibly slowly, and it just made me sad. None of it makes sense to me. My mum, the bio major (and she did bio in grad school) doesn't understand how biology can be hard. "You just have to memorize lots of stuff." She says that she could never do very mathematical stuff though, which I find...well, not EASY, but not impossible. Except for physics. Anyway, I was a poor bio student in 9th grade and I guess not much has changed in four years except that it'll be even harder to understand now.

So...I might not transfer to NYU after all. But then where does that leave me here? I don't think I would be very happy at ANY college. What makes college life enjoyable? Is it the freedom thing? Because I don't really care. I had freedom at home. The difference now is that I'm stuck inside a school campus all day because there isn't anyplace around school that I really want to go to, and there aren't any people I desperately want to hang out with. It's surprising at all that I have friends, but I think I could count them on one hand. But that's not the issue...the thing is, now that it's the second semester, I truly think that there aren't any people here I can relate to. There are few people in the world I can relate to, actually.

What is good about college life? I'm really asking, so give me some answers. I can tell you the things I don't like to do: go to parties, watch movies (I like some movies, but overall I'm not a big movie fan), "hang out" and talk (I don't know the last time I did this...middle school?), drink alcohol, watch TV, and I'm sure the list would go on if people gave me suggestions. I DO like discovering new places in NYC or visiting places that I like and going to concerts. If I didn't like music, I'd probably never go anywhere, so thank god for that. I probably sound really boring right now.

In the end, I'm sure it's all my fault. It's my personality to be boring; however, I'm not actually bored. There are loads of things I like to do, but they don't require the presence of another person. I was hoping to do something this weekend, but I stayed inside all day today (still in my pjs) as my mum is sick and I had lots of homework anyway. Actually, it just takes me a really long time to do homework that a normal person could probably do more quickly. Being lonely is kind of annoying, but not a big deal. If I really had problems with it, it would show.

I guess a strange thing (or not) is that my ...uh... strangeness doesn't show. I can stay in my dorm room all day, but I don't appear very strange (at least that's what I hope). People probably don't know how little I think of myself. I guess I don't have any drive to do anything. I don't have any real goals. The nutritionist thing would have been cool, except I don't have a science-mind, I guess. I don't have a literary mind either. I'm sure this entry has been written very poorly. ENGLISH IS MY FIRST LANGUAGE, if you can't tell. Actually, it's my only language. No, I don't know Chinese and I never will!

I'm glad I'm at home because I got my period yesterday, which is 3 - 4 days early. I haven't gotten my period early in a long time; it tends to come late. What does this mean? I have no idea. I've eaten way too much this weekend since I spent the four days before I came home just eating citrus. It was okay, but by the time I was able to buy some nuts and dried fruit, I was eating pretty much everything. I have no idea what's up with my body and hunger. I can easily NOT eat a lot, but only if there happens to be no food around, just because I'd be too lazy to buy more. And even though I know I'm much better off now eating mainly raw food (I cheat when I eat Govinda bars, which are partially raw and partially not...yeah, screw me) instead of cooked, but mentally, I don't feel that great. I know my period would entail more suffering if I ate cooked food and that I'd probably have worse allergies and get sick more, but I guess my personality just sucks.

Doodeedoo...I think I'd be better off just going to a business or vocational school than a four-year college. I know that may not be the most ... ... crap, I can't even think of the word. Something in the vein of "not that highly regarded." But I'd rather know something practical that stuff that will make me well-rounded, or whatever it is that college is supposed to do to me. On Friday I got a survey from Dover Business College and I really don't think I'd mind going into computer programming/web design and then just getting a job. The thing is, in a way only smart and not smart (I don't want to say "dumb" because...that's just not true) people can not go to a regular four-year college. Or something. Ish. Okay, that's not conclusive, but you know what I mean, hopefully. And I'm not really either. At least I don't think my parents would be happy with that, especially my mum who comes from a scholarly family. I keep forgetting that her dad was a language professor. She must be really used to...intellectual things. She wouldn't be happy living a carefree life in a little tropical place with a farm or something like that, but I wouldn't mind.

The main question in my head that no one can answer is what could I possibly do with my life. I've been led to believe that it'd be easier if I just died, because then I wouldn't have to think about it. Honestly, what better thing is there to do? For the most part, I've been feeling tired all the time since school has started. And now I'm hungry...stupid digestive system. And I still have to take notes for psychology on a chapter that will never end at the rate that I'm going. I'm not necessaril sad or depressed or happy, but I can't think of the right word... ... ...oh well, nevermind that. My Weatherbug says that it's 6 degrees outside.

I didn't get any fresh air today.

Actually, I change my mind from that other paragraph; I am sad.

Actually, I can control that by reading TheOneRing.net, which sets me back in neutral mode.

...oo, the Elijah Wood episode of SNL is on tonight? Maybe that'll make me feel a bit better, even though I don't like SNL. Or television. ... ...or maybe it won't. Hm.

... ... alright, I'm done now.